George Costanza would not accept it! Upon being dumped by a significant other, she tried to employ the most common of breakup cushioning. “It’s not you! It’s me!” This is an age old ploy to deflect a super direct hit to the ego of the person being dumped. Rather than telling the person the real reasons that they no longer want to be with you, the softener is used. While it may cushion the short term blow, it does nothing for the long term development of the person as a viable mate. Costanza, as usual, is an outlier in his stance on “It’s not you! It’s me!” He doesn’t want to hear it. He wants to know that it is his fault that the relationship is falling apart. While a little aggressive in his approach, maybe it’s time to learn from George.
The finger of blame is wielded around like an oscillating sprinkler head. It blankets the surrounding area effectively enough but the source never becomes a target. It creates a two-fold problem that compounds over time. People, who are unable to hear the truth of their shortcomings, never get beyond them. Despite being adept at avoiding the mirror’s reflection, they usually become better at noticing the faults of others. From a perch of perfection, the mere mortals that surround you seem almost foolish in their daily mistakes. So the cycle of delusion and dispersion continues. Until there is that extremely uncomfortable face to face meeting with the reality of imperfection.
The way to combat this is to cut it off at the beginning. Assume that it’s you! At least partially, if not wholly. You’re to blame. You didn’t do enough or did too much. Put it onto yourself first because at least then you’re in control of it. You can change something: an action, a habit, a relationship or even just your outlook. When you take total responsibility for yourself and the things you can control, you’ll find yourself on much more stable ground to influence the people around you to do the same. You’re not a victim! You’re a contributor! If all you have to contribute is blame and excuses, then you’re going to end up alone on your perch of perfection. Waiting for it to fall!
During my sophomore year of college, my two younger brothers were in high school together. One was a senior and the other was a freshman. At one point during the school year, there were “Drug sniffing” dogs brought in to do a search of the school. Students stayed in their classes while the school was swept. If your locker was tagged, you were supposed to report to the office in order to have your locker searched. My freshman brother’s locker had a tag on it. Completely panicked, he went and found his senior brother. One question from the senior brother, “Do you have any drugs in your locker?” The response was “no”. The senior brother went straight to the office and reported that his locker had been tagged. He brought the officials to the locker for it to be searched. The school officials questioned whether this was really his locker or not because it was in a freshman hallway. My brother was adamant! This is my locker! Upon being opened and searched, the locker did not contain any drugs. There was however a half eaten box of crackers at the bottom which the dog must have smelled. I wasn’t there and no one has discussed that incident for years but I still get choked up when thinking about it.
As I am going through preseason as a coach, I am always trying to instill in my players through my words and my actions, the exact sentiment that my younger brother displayed that day. I’LL GO FOR YOU! The idea that I’ll put myself in harm’s way for the good of others. It’s one of the main reasons why I’m still involved in sports after all of these years. It’s not the championships, trophies or victories. It’s those moments when you can truly see that people throughout the team have that simple idea tattooed on their brains “I’ll go for you!” I’ll give you everything that I’ve got and then some because I know that you’d do the same for me.
The ironic thing is that this has become so very rare in our society but the teams that I’ve seen do the best had this. People are usually worried about what’s in it for them and when will they get their due. In my experience, it seems to be that when you are willing to give everything and expect nothing, is exactly the time when you get more than your due. This can be a difficult concept for a large group of people to buy into but when they do, it can be magical.
The best example of this idea that I’ve ever heard of was when Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers had his father pass away. There was some doubt whether or not he’d play the next game. It’s not his decision to play that I find extraordinary but rather his teammates commitment to him. In this video clip about the game at 2:19 Donald Driver (Wide Receiver) describes exactly what I’ve been talking about. “Whatever he throws, we catch.” In a time of pain for their teammate, they were not going to let him fail. That’s what being a teammate and a family member is about.
Now don’t misread my words! Not everyone deserves everything you’ve got but if no one is willing to go first then we all lose. So be the one who is willing to give into the unknown. Tell the people who truly matter with both your words and your actions; “I’LL GO FOR YOU!” Most of the time you’ll find, they’ll go for you too!
“You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m loner Dottie, A REBEL!” -Pee Wee Herman (Pee Wee’s Big Adventure)
This line is from the quite ridiculous but still entertaining Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. And it was co-opted by the band The Get Up Kids as a song title in the 90’s. The song outlines one perspective of a short term love affair where the singer refuses to give the relationship a chance. In his own words, “because I’m afraid to try.” It’s an old story that probably precedes Danny Zuko in Grease. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girls. Boy wants to leave while things are still fun and casual because a relationship is just too much work.
It’s applicable to so many things but relationships are possibly the easiest target. In a world where Tinder and OkCupid are facilitators of the present dating scene, this mindset will probably get more widespread. The fast and easy wins out over the slow build (which is perceived as a grind). Of course this is only perception. Reality holds millions of possibilities. For many, a life with one person is a much more joyous existence than the shallowness of singles life. Regardless of which way you lean, it’s not really the point. The point is the actual words. “I’m afraid to try!” It’s not, “I’m afraid to commit!” or “I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt!” It’s “I’m afraid to try!”
This is probably the most dangerous thing that I see from not just young people but people in general. There is a fear of trying. Putting yourself out there has the perception of being difficult. And in the younger generation, it is chastised because for some reason “try hard” is now an insult. Much like nerd or geek of the past, this is a completely idiotic strategy as a culture. Demean those who excel in order to make the average feel better about themselves. (But I digress) The thing is that people have become so accustomed to guarantees that effort toward an unknown is just too scary. There’s no point in following a rainbow because a pot of gold is not waiting for us.
It’s time to buck the trend. TRYING (no offense to Yoda!) is often the point. Finding our limits. Pressing up against what is possible. Discovering new territory is exactly the point! Imagine where we would be if through history, we were this risk averse. We’d be dead! Hunters wouldn’t have had any assurances of catching any prey, so why go out to hunt?
Your survival and progress as human being depends on THE TRY! So go out there today with the intention and determination to try. It doesn’t need to be something monumental. It just needs to be outside of your comfort zone. An experiment, an attempt, a risk, a small gamble. That’s the only way to move forward. One little try at a time. And I’ll suggest that you deny the teenage ridicule by TRYING HARD!
It’s so common to us that we are almost blind to it at this point. The release of the latest version of something. Whether it’s a car, an app for the phone or a video game; the old version is eventually replaced by the latest version. Sometimes this comes with huge upgrades that revolutionize the way that we think about the product. Other times it messes up something that was working to our liking. The thing is that even if we don’t see the changes, they’re happening all the time.
It’s so much easier to understand with technology especially. The cellphone does not change shape or size when you add a new app or update it. It simply acquires the new programming and moves on. Often bugs need to be fixed but I’m pretty certain that Bill Gates does not lament the fact that Windows 7.1 was not as good as Windows 10.2. There is an understanding that each new version is intended to build upon the past.
In a very similar way, here you are. Version 2018.193 of yourself. You may look at yourself as the same person that you’ve always been but that’s most definitely not true. You’ve learned new things since version 2015.125 (after the decimal is the number of days past in that year). The question becomes whether or not you want to just maintain what is working or truly upgrade. Unlike Windows, you’re not going to be rereleased. Your bug fixes and big upgrades have to all happen at the same time. AND YOU ARE THE LEAD DEVELOPER! Only you can make changes to the system.
So what is the latest version of you going to look like? Is it just like today’s you but with a few more miles worn off the treads? I hope not. I hope that you believe that you are capable of a big jump. A leap from the version that you are today to the version that you’ve always wanted to be. My hope is that you’re making the plans and putting in the code to launch yourself to a whole new level. So that people who haven’t seen you in a while will take notice to the fact that the latest version of you is a huge upgrade!
This story comes directly from a dream that I just had. I was brought in to help a javelin thrower with some issues that he was having. Despite his great potential that everyone could see, he was underachieving and plagued by injuries. As we started to talk about his issues, we walking near a lake. He was confused and upset by all of the issues that he was having. As he talked, he picked up a stone and hurled it into the lake. His words became more heated as he described his disappointment in his lack of progress. Another stone farther into the lake. Then his disappointment turned to anger as he focused in on how many opportunities he’d wasted. Stone lake farther. In a crescendo of shouts and rage, he picked up a rock larger than all of the stones that he’d hurled so far. With three steps forward and a shout of “why?”, he threw the rock as far as he could but it did not reach the water. He winced slightly in pain and stared at his failed effort. I woke up.
Everything was a javelin. He had taken his own existence and reduced it down to one thing. Nothing else mattered. Farther, stronger, better. These were the ways that he was judging himself. It was not that he was on a path of progress that would get him to: farther, stronger, better but rather that those were metrics.
Measuring yourself by metrics is not always a negative thing. There are all kinds of things that we can use to quantify aspects of our lives: grades, weight, time, distance and many others. The issue comes from using those measurements as a punishment device rather than a measuring stick. Dissatisfaction with where you are because it is not where you’ll be is a recipe for disaster. The process of living is just that, a process. Each step has inherent value as it leads you toward your destination or destiny. To devalue the step because it is not the destination is devaluing the destination. Because in the end you have sacrificed all of those steps for a moment. The joy of accomplishment is compounded when the process is enjoyed.
So go out there today and pursue something that you love. But pursue it with the joy of a child chasing a butterfly, not the angst of a man paying his taxes. Most of life is the process, so enjoy it!
Marvel and DC have had a long term duopoly on the Super Hero. They’ve got teenagers bitten by radioactive spiders all the way to a billionaire orphan vigilante. These characters have been cultural mainstays for decades with their popularity reaching a crescendo at the moment with big budget movies. These heroes capture the imagination because of their exceptional abilities. Each has their personal foibles but in the end the world depends on them to put things right in extreme situations.
There are two problems with the Super Hero though. First, the world is very rarely in the kind of peril that requires Super Heroes. Second, they’re not real! Even the Super Heroes, with no super powers whatsoever, bend all kinds of rules of reality. So if we don’t have those big problems and these individuals don’t exist, why are we so obsessed?
It is really quite simple. Super Heroes are a distraction. A way for us to be let off of the hook. Since I’m not able to do anything EXTRAordinary, I only need to do the ordinary. Being a hero is just too far out of reach because I don’t have a magical hammer, futuristic body armor or a utility belt. It’s just me! What can I do?
You can be a small time hero! You just need to do a little more than the ordinary person and that by definition makes you EXTRAordinary. Be a little kinder. Be a little more resilient. Be a little more intelligent. Love your family a little more. BUT what difference will that make? Almost none.
UNTIL a few people around you catch on. Then it has the possibility of developing super power. Because small time heroes stacking up their little powers together becomes a force multiplier. It’s not particularly easy! Nor is it blockbuster movie worthy but it really is the only way. Super Heroes are not coming! The people in “power” generally worry about two things: keeping the power they have and leveraging it to their own ends. So it is up to us, the small time heroes to save the world from………us! Go suit up!
It’s such a common conversation that in each instance, I really need to work to not get fired up. A player (or a parent) will complain to me about the fact that their coach is not playing them for __insert reason here____. Usually it is some combination of “playing favorites” or “doesn’t know what he/she is doing”. The reason why these conversations are so difficult is that the player almost invariably refuses to see that they are choosing the bench. That sentence and the title of this post must sound ridiculous but I’ll do my best to make my argument for its accuracy.
The player who is complaining about playing time is almost always ignoring the fact that they have control over the key component to their PT, themselves. When people don’t get what they want, the easiest thing to do is blame someone else or circumstances. While this is the easiest thing to do, it rarely has positive results. In these situations of complaint, I usually direct the player’s attention to how much extra time they’re putting into their skills, fitness, tactical awareness, relationship with key players, etc. Upon asking about these things, I usually get a blank stare or a halfhearted explanation of their “extra” work.
In all of my years of playing and coaching, I’ve never met a coach who kept talent on the bench without a reason. Therefore the equation of playing time becomes quite a simple one. GET SO GOOD THAT YOU CAN’T BE IGNORED! The truth of most of these situations is that the player only wants to do enough to get what they want. They do not truly want the playing time because if they did, they’d be doing all of the work to get it and a ton extra. The obstacle of the coach is just an excuse for them not to do the work.
“Thumbs before fingers!” has been a mantra of mine for years. It simply states that you need to acknowledge your contribution to any challenge before you blame someone else. By seeing your faults first, you have the power to change them. If you ignore the fact that you have any fault, you become powerless. You are completely at the mercy of the person or situation. So I implore you! Don’t put yourself on the bench! Become so good that you can’t be ignored! Give so much effort that the coach has to feel guilty about taking you off the field! Then other people can talk about you being “the coach’s favorite” but you’ll know the truth of how hard you worked to get there.
Some people get very offended by particular four letter words. Others use them so much that they cease to have any power whatsoever. Despite their semi-taboo nature, the things that they represent are quite common place. The teeth of the matter can be taken out by substituting a word. It’s the word that makes it vulgar and repellent.
By contrast, the word “DO” has almost no connotation whatsoever. It shows up in so many contexts that its meaning is somewhat of an afterthought. When it’s not holding up space at the beginning of a question, do implies some form of action. Therein lies the problem with this seemingly insignificant word. People are not afraid of the word, they’re afraid of what it represents. ACTION that will take them out of their comfort zone or cause them to face their inadequacies. Do may only have half the characters of the four letter words but it has ten times the bite. People are paralyzed by their do’s.
So just like the foul mouthed people who drop the F bomb way too much, the key to reducing the potency of something is to increase the frequency. DO until you’re not afraid to do anymore. Give it a shot! Try! (That’s right Yoda, I said TRY! Go F#%$ yourself.) Succeeding/Failing do not matter anywhere near as much as the feeling that you have about who you are when you unshackle yourself from fear.
Life can often feel a lot like walking a dog. You’re getting pulled forward by a force that you only partially control. All the while, you’re carrying bag of crap that you’ve picked up along the way. If you don’t ever look up and enjoy the scenery, this can feel like a huge chore. However if you’re able keep what you’re doing in perspective, it can be a truly enjoyable way to pass the time.
It’s an odd thing to write for someone like me. I’m hellbent on helping people. My writing and speaking are all about tools, tricks and techniques for getting you farther forward than you are now. Despite all that desire, I have to realize that, I GIVE YOU NOTHING! It’s not just me though. Books, movies, podcasts, lectures, schools, universities, coaches and so many other media are stillborn UNTIL… you breathe life into them.
It seems as though there is an overarching belief in the power of the other. “This book is going to change my life.” “This coach is making me a better player.” In the end the truth is that no one can change you without you. You are the key ingredient! In the case of many people, the missing ingredient. There is so much out there but nothing until you do your part.
So today I give you nothing because it’s exactly what you need. You need to know that no one is coming to save you. Ed McMahon is not showing up with a check! Superman is not coming to carry you away to a beach vacation! And you aren’t getting rock hard abs by watching commercials, you get them by doing the sit-ups. You probably don’t need more information, you need more action. Take a bunch of the tidbits that you’ve let die on your dreams list and make them happen because only YOU CAN!