Talent is coveted, scouted, poached and revered in this country. It often comes with an extremely high price tag. That price is monetary in the professional ranks. However at the lower levels, the price of talent is far too often the possibility of teamwork. At times this comes from jealousy of teammates. Unfortunately it is more frequently a result of trading team ethos for star power. It may get results but are they the right ones and for how long?
I’ve often told my teams that “I’d bench Pele if his play didn’t make us a better team.” Now I’ve never had the pleasure of coaching the Brazilian star (nor would he need me) but that statement has usually followed the benching of a talented player for putting him/herself above the team. The unfortunate thought that is going through several people’s heads at the moment is that “a great player always makes a team better.” How I wish that were true but I know that it is not.
Talent does not exist in a vacuum. It comes attached to a person who has a narrative inside of his/her head about what their talent means. For some it makes them a large gear in the machine of the team. While others tell themselves a story that the team is “nothing” without them. In my preferred sport of soccer, I’ve never seen this to be true but I know it has been thought.
The key to a coach extinguishing this narrative is to swallow the hard pills at the right times. Recognizing when a talented player has forgotten they are part of a whole and have them sit to consider that point. Knowing when a player has “outgrown” a team and let their talent go. These are the types of decisions that are good for the long term of the team and the player but difficult in the moment.
The stories that we tell ourselves are important. They frame the world into a model that makes sense out of our personal experience of the world. There are billions of stories going on around the world. My personal belief is that the accuracy of the story is not as important as the helpfulness of the story. I started off by saying that I’d bench Pele… I’m never going to be put in that position but it frames a belief system in a way that leaves no doubt to my conviction. So as you go into your day, what’s your story? Is the world out to get you? Are your best days behind you? Are you the world’s best student? Is this your breakout year? It’s only a story and you can keep it if you want to but put it to my test, does it help?
Many sports teams are in the middle of their preseason sessions at the moment. I’m sure that many players are working hard. It is almost a prerequisite for any level of success in the sports world. The reason that I hedge is that there is a higher level of effort that is more in line with the actual effort. That level of effort is called labor.
Work is a scientific or mathematical equation: force x distance = work. It also has particular connotations in our culture. Common words that are associated with work are: hard, job, difficult, employment and pain. While these may be common, I don’t know that I would describe them as positive. Although we recognize the value of hard work. Many people would look to avoid it.
The reason that I would change to labor is not because work and labor are synonyms. It is actually in labor’s secondary meaning that all of the magic happens. Although many people may make work and labor the same inside of their heads. Labor is the process of giving birth. In particular the final part before delivery. Taken as a whole, the process leading up to and including labor is no picnic. Talk to almost any mother and there will be stories of morning sickness, discomfort and pain leading to a crescendo of “ultimate pain”. At this point, work is sounding pretty good! The difference between the two is that at the end of labor, there’s a miracle to behold. Almost any mother will tell you that it is the worst pain but all is forgotten in the end.
So as you start any endeavor, go in with the idea that you are going to labor toward your goal. The pain and discomfort are part of the process toward the eventual miracle that you are looking for. In the end, the pain will be forgotten and you’ll be able to rejoice in the two things that you’ve created: your goal and the new version of you!
If you’re here, that means one or more of a few things:
you have a problem with people telling you what not to do
you have a selective reading issue where you miss certain words
you clicked on it by mistake
you sensed that there was more to this than the title
I’m going to assume the final one because it will get us farther faster!
The ability to see past the obvious and simple solution is not one that everyone possesses. Judging books by their covers or even first chapters is not always the best strategy. Not everything in the world is completely formulaic. Even some chemical formulas require a catalyst to increase the rate of their reaction. Despite these facts, there is a solid majority of people that believe the obvious answer is the only possible answer. One of the main reasons is that it is comfortable. Comfort is probably the ethos of our age. So the reason that I asked you not to read this blog is that I want you act on it.
I’m asking you to be uncomfortable, see past the past and act in spite of any past failures that you might have. We’ve all got something: talking to that special someone, losing weight, making the team, starting a business, writing a book or whatever. At this point it has been written off. You’ve either failed sever times or not tried because you believe that you can’t. Either way make me (or anything else that you choose) your excuse. You need to give that thing another go. Not because you’re guaranteed success this time but because it’s still inside of you somewhere. I don’t really care if you give up on a goal. I just don’t want you to ever give up on yourself.
Every moment is a new opportunity. Pile up the dead carcasses of your past selves and make a staircase to take you to the place where you know that you can get. If you believe that you’re who you’ve always been, that’s exactly who you’ll continue to be. But if you believe, even for a second, that you can be different. You can be stronger, more determine, resourceful, patient, caring, aggressive or anything else that you’ve failed to be in the past. That’s not who you are! That’s who you were! Today, right now before you finish reading. Take a step! No! Take a leap and move yourself forward. The you from six months in the future is BEGGING for you to do it! Because he/she doesn’t want to be where you are now. They want to be five miles down the road or ten thousand dollars richer or in a relationship. So now I’m BEGGING! Don’t read this blogpost! Live it! Step up and out into the world that you deserve and not the one that you’ve grown accustomed to. DON’T READ! DO!
It is one of my favorite exchanges from the classic movie, Tombstone.
“Doc, you should be in bed. What the hell are you doing this for anyway?” -Creek Johnson
“Wyatt Earp is my friend.” -Doc Holliday
“Hell I’ve got lots of friends.” – Creek Johnson
“I don’t.” – Doc Holliday
Our technology filled world has changed the way that we use certain words and their meaning. If you do a Google search for the word “cloud”, the only reference to the white things in the sky is the dictionary definition. Otherwise it’s advertisements and references to gigabytes of storage space that is elsewhere. This is not the first time that this has happened in the history of language. It actually happens all the time. The technological cloud doesn’t make the sky cloud any less of a cloud. Both have meaning in their own right. I do fear for the word “friend” though.
My fear is not that the word will only mean “people that you relate with mainly online” but rather that the word is becoming devalued. It is common for people to have hundreds of “friends” online and this is great. Keeping relations with people from great distance and from other life periods is an amazing advancement. The concern is that all of these tiny and relatively “easy” relationships will make true, closer and more “difficult” relationships seem like too much work. It’s easy to become intoxicated in the numbers game of friends. Having more of something, does not particularly make life richer. Perhaps even, the collection of a maximum number of “friends” might just mean that the collector doesn’t truly have any. The word starts to lose all meaning when it is applied to basically everyone.
For me, I’d rather go the route of Doc Holliday. Going all in on the people who truly matter. Having those few but special people in life that you’re willing to go into war with (figuratively or literally). Those types of bonds make us stronger people and better humans. So have a social network by all means! But never lose sight of the difference between your FRIENDS and your “friends”. No matter how far the internet has the ability to reach, it is a worthless tool if it’s use means that no one ever touches your soul. If the connection that you feel to the important people in your life is as weak as the Wifi at the local coffee shop, it might be time to double down.
Have you ever woken up from a night of intense dreaming and not been able to remember much of anything about the dream? Well that’s not what I’m talking about at all! I’m talking about your dreams forgetting you! Those things that you want to have in your life: a goal, a person, an item or anything else you can imagine. It started as an image in your head. Then you took some form of action to make it a reality. You might have even got close. But then it was gone. Sorry to say, your dreams have amnesia!
Your dreams don’t know who you are and don’t care about you in the beginning. Like the most popular girl in high school, your dreams could not pick you out of a line up. What’s worse is that your dreams have a form of amnesia. You can walk up and introduce yourself but the next day you’ll be forgotten. Just like Adam Sandler in the movie “50 First Dates”. You need to recognize this condition and not take it personally. DO THE WORK! The only way for your dreams to remember you and begin to accept you is through constant contact. Don’t let a day go by that you’re not courting, coaxing and down right harassing your dreams (the last one doesn’t work well with people). It won’t happen overnight!
I can’t even tell you how long it will take but if you’re consistent daily, hourly and minutely (is that a word?). You’ll find yourself getting closer to your dreams. Maybe one day they’ll welcome you with open arms. Unfortunately that’s going to take a lot of work first.
Despite being a 41 year old man, I really like the Harry Potter movies and watch them regularly. My wife would say that it’s because of Emma Watson but that’s not quite the truth. The story itself is what draws me in. It’s a pretty classic story of good vs. evil with enough twists and turns to make it unique. I’m also very interested in young people and how they learn to find their way through the world. Obviously completely fictitious but in parallel to the real world, one major failing of Hogwarts is to maintain a consistent Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. In that world, the imminent danger of Voldemort made that post important. In our much less magical world, the danger does not come from a completely evil dark lord but rather other young people trying to find their way in the world.
Just prior to sitting down to write, I was watching the Today Show and their guests were the parents of the twelve year old girl who killed herself in Rockaway, NJ. With an eleven year old son and many young people in my life, I truly feel for these parents as they’ve gone through the worst pain that a parent can bear. That story is not fiction and no matter the result of the lawsuit, it will not end completely happily.
I do not believe that social media is inherently bad or evil. It does create a loosely guarded gateway for evils to be perpetrated. While most of the focus is on stopping cyber-bulling and the perpetrators, I’d suggest that young (and older) people need to learn how to defend themselves against the dark arts of bullying. Let me say here, I am not condoning bullying in any way shape or form. Schools and organizations need to respond to these types of actions. Unfortunately the adults in a child’s life can only protect them so much. At a certain point, a child (or adult) is going to need to know how to protect themselves; not just from bullies but from friends, strangers, rejection, failure and loss. Knowing how to cope with and defeat these “dark arts” is crucial but rarely taught or even discussed. The two best Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers were Remus Lupin and Harry himself. Both were effective because they were practical in their approach. They did not deny that their students might face dark times like Dolores Umbridge. The beauty of the Order of the Phoenix is that students organize in order to protect themselves because they know that danger is out there.
In the real world, young people are increasingly living their lives in a virtual world where the perceived becomes as important or more important than the real. So they are fighting in a world of perception when they are still learning how to perceive themselves. If you know of someone who is struggling to manage the world, here are some starting points:
Keep your phone/iPad/etc. in another room while you sleep.
Do not log onto your device of choice for the first 30 minutes of your day.
During that 30 minutes, take about 15 to do the following:
Write down or think of people, things, experiences that you’re grateful for.
Write down or think of the positive things that you’d like to have happen today (things that depend more on you than other people)
Write down or think of the person you want to be in the future. Don’t get caught up in the space between where you are and where you want to be. Allow yourself to be in the future.
After you’ve made these first 3 a habit, add in some form of body movement. Enough to get your blood pumping above a resting rate.
The point behind all of these items is to focus your mind on the things that matter most to you before it gets distracted by the desires of others. Decide what it is that you want out of your life/day before anyone else gets to add their input. If you need a helping hand, my email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.