Author: Pete Huryk

I'm an author and public speaker from New Jersey. My topics are usually aimed toward teenagers and range from self-esteem/self-reliance to peak performance in sports.
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Don’t Lose Your Virginity

Pete Huryk

LetstalkaboutsexLanguages are amazing to me on so many levels. Words and phrases can evoke emotions of all kinds and intensities. They can be both the weapons to hurt and the bandages to heal. Certain languages carry with them differing perspectives that color the way that we go through life. Despite this fact, we seem to be less inclined to use the magic that resides within language. The flourish of Shakespeare has been replaced by the convenience of the text message. While I don’t believe that we need to embellish the daily and mundane with flowery language, it may be helpful to say something more meaningful. Or say the things that have a meaning that will propel us toward a better future rather than maintain our status quo.
Along those lines, I’d like to suggest that no one “lose” their virginity. Depending on your particular background the phrase probably means one of a variety of things.  If you’ve been raised in some religious background, there may be twinges of guilt or sin involved with this idea.  If that is not an issue, the word “lose” can even create a feeling.  Loss is generally seen as a negative and therefore it evokes feelings of that kind.  Either because it was something that was supposed to be held onto until it was lost.  Or because it was something that was undesired in the first place.  In that case the losing is not the negative but rather the having has the negative connotation.  With all of this convoluted word talk, it should be evident that the phrase does not actually serve the action well.

Rather than “losing their virginity”, people should be “earning their sexuality”.  In the long past, the idea of losing virginity probably worked because of the pervasive religious beliefs about marriage and sin.  In a modern context the phrase no longer serves.  In fact it probably harms, more than it helps.  So rather than an instantaneous change from virgin to not, why not embrace the idea that this is a process.  Sex has been sold, contorted and embellished in so many ways that it’s perception barely resembles what it is.  Perpetuating this will only lead to disaster for young people.  So why not, “earn sexuality”?

The reason for “earn” is that it should not be viewed as a right.  Also the process of earning something does not usually happen in an instant.  Therefore it requires a more involved set of steps.  In my opinion, the initial steps should be small, subtle and unrushed.  At all times, it should be the individual and not the force of society that decides on the most comfortable pace to progress.  Again the reason for the use of the word “earn” is extremely deliberate because it suggests a transaction of other actions to eventually received the privilege of the next step.  Perhaps these actions will come from self-reflection or partner discussion.  Regardless it puts the idea of process to the forefront rather than bravado or shame.  So whether you’ve lost it already or not, perhaps consider the idea of changing the language around first sexual encounters.  Maybe the shift in wording will change the way that we think and that might be enough.

SoccerLifeBalance

Keeping Up With the Soccer Joneses

Pete Huryk

Family family tiesTies was one of my favorite sitcoms from the 1980’s.  It wasn’t the funniest show in the world but I related with it.  Parents who cared but were a little weird and eccentric.  The kids had some problems but nothing overly earth-shattering.  Despite any issues that arose, there was a general sense that the family cared for one another and wanted the best for each other.  The morals to the episodes were pretty straight forward and dealt with things that I was about to go through as a kid.  Although there were major differences between myself and the character, I always identified with Alex P.  Keaton.

His character was focused intently on money, success and economics.  Those topics never really hit my radar.  However intertwined within his “young republican” ideals was a character that had struggles and found a balance for his aspirations and human relations.  His desire for success got pushed to the side at times when more pressing matters were at hand.  Now I recognize that the show is fake and the character does not really exist but it paints a picture.  Alex P. Keaton was a “keep up with Joneses” kind of guy.  Success was written into his character but so was a human element.  I’ve not asked Michael J. Fox for an interpretation on the following but I feel confident in my assertion.

Most of us need to focus more on the soccer Keatons and let the soccer Joneses go!  Believe me!  I want the USMNT to win a World Cup.  It’s a dream that I would love to see come to fruition.  BUT my desire for that success cannot override my desire for a fruitful sports culture for a majority of our young players.  Academies SHOULD exist.  Trainers SHOULD be training young soccer players.  However the idea that all players and parents should be aspiring to that level is lunacy.  The soccer culture over the past few years has tilted heavily toward the professionalism of the youth game.  As I said above, these things are important for the improvement the sport at a certain level.  The pervasiveness of the shift is the concern.  There seems to be a cultural ratchet that should exist for some but not others.  The top level players need that cultural ratchet to improve the national team player pool.  The general youth player does not.

  • They need their parents to cheer for them embarrassingly no matter how mediocre they are.
  • They need to have economic burden of youth sports taken off of their parents, thus inflated expectations taken off of them.
  • They need their instruction in the sport to come from a caring adult who is invested in them as a person rather than an outsourced “expert”.
  • They need to be a kid first.

Perhaps this is nothing more than a bit of nostalgia for a simpler soccer time.  Or maybe we should truly be worried.  Worried that a sport whose name in this country is even derived from its community roots but seems to be more focused on individualism and exceptionalism.  If our hearts and minds are truly for sale, we should look to get more than a few years with the label of “Elite”.  Those years are not coming back.  When they are gone, will you revel in how close you were to the top level?  Or how close you are with the people who matter to you in your family/community?  Perhaps you can have the former without sacrificing the latter but is that a gamble that so many should be making?

What would we do (baby) without us?

Pete

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Instead…

Pete Huryk

CoachingI’d like to blame Google because it would be so extremely easy to do.  However blame doesn’t really solve anything and this was a problem long before Google even existed.

When searching for something in the modern world though, Google is “the” place to go.  After the search is done, the results come in and there are usually thousands or even millions of them.  The problem is that most of us only look at the top result (after bypassing the ads made to look like results).  Finding a satisfactory result is “quick and easy”.  Isn’t that the way that we want all things to be?  Not hardly.  I don’t want my surgeon’s training to be quick and easy.  Every situation is different and we should want different parameters for what we’re looking for from each.  Unfortunately “quick and easy” seems to have become an almost societal norm.  In my usual arena of soccer, the desire for a quick and easy result is desired by many but rarely does that garner best results.

Let’s take some of the usual situations from the soccer world and break them loose from the quick and easy solution.  Possibly if we dig a little deeper, we’ll find that a slower and more difficult solution will have result that we should really want.

Game Time!  Your child is not getting the amount of playing time that you believe that they deserve.  If you decide to go the quick and easy route, you’ve got some options open.  Move them to another team.  Spend an hour crafting the perfectly worded email to the coach that will both highlight your child’s strengths and not question the coach’s past decisions.  Hire a trainer to sharpen your child’s skills to the point where they will not be denied.  These are all employed with regularity.  So much so that they are viewed as common practice.

Perhaps the uncommon practice would actually have a better result.  Use the hours that you would have used to email, search for a new team or working a second job to pay the trainer and do something different.  Go with your child to an open space and kick the ball with them.  You don’t need to do it well.  You don’t even need to do it right.  Actually it is probably better if you don’t know what you’re doing!  It will give your child the opportunity to be an “expert” on something that you aren’t.  Regardless of whether this activity results in any additional playing time on the weekend doesn’t matter.  The game that you are playing when you are a parent, isn’t the quick and easy variety.  It is the long and fulfilling type.  Recognizing the game that you actually want to win rather than the game that is being noticed by most.

Red card!  Every referee that you encounter is horrible.  The quick and easy path has several options attached to it.  Berate the referee at every perceived wrong call.  If there is an evaluation process available to you, employ it with fervor.  Or when you are really upset, confront them personally.  These are also common place and therefore accepted.

The uncommon practice is going to be far more difficult.  Saving your breath from the derisive comments and use it to power a whistle.  Take the courses and raise the level of refereeing because obviously with your extensive sideline knowledge, you’d be very good at that job.  This type of action could save the game because unless a change like this happens, who will be the referees of the future?  The constant abuse that referees receive will continue to result in an exodus from the profession.  In the end this is not the only area where people are willing to complain from the sidelines but less likely to step into the fray.  Our world has an almost infinite supply of spectators.  People willing to act are in much shorter supply.

As you live your daily life, you’re going to be confronted with all kinds of decisions.  Sometimes the quick and easy or common paths are just fine.  It may be time to decide if “just fine” is good enough or looking for better results is in our best interest.  There are many levels beyond just fine that we can reach.  The key is that we must be willing to search.  They are rarely going to be the decisions that everyone else is making.   You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.  You can do something else INSTEAD!

Make it a better day!

Pete

 

Blogpost

Steam Is Contagious

Pete Huryk

Huryk-LukeIt was many years ago but I’ve still not encountered a better example.  I was the field marshal at a youth tournament in Pennsylvania.  The players were under twelve years old and engaged in a very back and forth game.  One team was extremely adept at the offside trap.  Late in the game, there was a corner kick.  The cross was cleared out of the penalty box and the defense pushed up.  The ball fell to the foot of a offensive player about 30 yards from goal.  He shot.  The ball rocketed toward the goal and hit the post.  The rebound fell to a forward who was slow getting back onside and he scored.  The referee instantly called offside and awarded a free kick to the defense.  The coach of the team that had the goal disallowed went ballistic.  He screamed about how “ridiculous” the call was and asked about the referees sight, etc.  As the field marshal I felt that it was my job to diffuse the situation in order to avoid it interfering with the game.  I said, “Coach, if you’d like, I can explain to you why that was the right call.”  He responded, “I know it was the right call!  I’m just blowing off some steam.”

In most cases, soccer is not a life or death situation.  It’s a passion, diversion, recreation, fun or even a teacher.  The game has the possibility to do so many things because it garners the emotions of the people around it.  There is nothing inherently wrong with emotion.  We need them to live and color our lives.  However emotion without any sense of reason is problematic.  The word was chosen very deliberately.  REASON!  The reason why we’re there in the first place gets lost when we cannot control our emotions.  Referees become demons.  Opponents become enemies and sense of our self-interest overrides the judgment that we use elsewhere.  This is not so much of a problem when it is a single person.  However it seems to have become a societal norm.

The steam that so many people are letting off is clouding our vision.  The ability to see what is right in front of our faces.  Children.  Children who are looking at us for how to act.  Not just on a soccer field on Saturdays or Sundays but in their daily lives.  When something doesn’t go their way, they’re supposed to have an emotion freak out session because that’s what you do.  You don’t take a breath and refocus on the task at hand.  You don’t see the bigger picture.  You don’t recognize that human error is part of life and needs to be coped with.  Those things aren’t done because they’re hard.  They require effort, judgement and self-control.  These skills are difficult to develop, especially when you’re a child, watching the adults act like children.

So don’t breathe in the steam, just breathe!  Recognize that the children on the field have spent hours this week trying to improve their skills in order to perform for you.  Put your focus on that.  Double, triple or quadruple your focus on the fact that these are kids, trying to do something that is difficult.  AND DIFFICULT THINGS ARE THE ONLY ONES WORTH PURSUING!  So don’t produce steam, produce esteem for what everyone on that field is trying to do.

See you on the field!

Pete

 

Blogpost

Medals, Trophies and Tombstones

Pete Huryk

IMG_3917I’ve been extremely fortunate through the years to have won some medals and trophies, either individually or as part of a collective.  Most of them are in a box in my basement or in a display case that I don’t have direct access to.  Medals and trophies are all pretty similar.  They usually have a name of an individual or group, a year and the indication of some accomplishment.  As I was thinking about the trophies that teams and individuals are going to reach for this season, I realized that trophies are the tombstones of our past accomplishments.

They do not actually say anything about who we are in this very moment.  Instead they are a reminder of our former self.  Usually that persona is embellished by a form of nostalgia or selective memory.  This is actually not the worst thing in the world if it is employed correctly.  The idea is not to intoxicate ourselves with the image of our past self.  Deluding ourselves into believing that we are better than the flesh and blood that presently exists.  It needs to be used as a stepping stone toward something else.  If we worship our past achievements, they become ghosts.  If we use them as an indicator of our capabilities, then they become fuel for a fire within and path to possibility.

So don’t let your past self die without leaving an inheritance.  Make sure that your trophies are not tombstones but rather mile markers on a path that takes you to higher and higher heights.  You are always the product!  And there is no quicker way to the grave than to believe that all of your best days are behind you.

Keep climbing!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

You’re Prehistoric!

Pete Huryk

cavemanWe live in a modern world but humans are prehistoric creatures.  Obviously we have acquired skills and knowledge that our ancestors did not have.  So I am not suggesting that we are on their level in that respect but I do want to point out that we are using the same hardware.  The same brain structure that caused us to run from saber-toothed tigers is now tasked with managing a world that moves faster than we were intended to go.  We’re overwhelmed and stressed because we created an environment that stresses and overwhelms our prehistoric brains.  This is not a blog to suggest that we go back to living in caves.  Rather it is intended to point out the fact that there are limits on our bandwidth, therefore we must manage ourselves so the prehistoric brain does not go into overload.

The odd irony to our situation is actually that in a modern world, very few things are trying to kill you.  This is an important thing to realize.  Our prehistoric brain’s major functions were centered around keeping the self and the species alive.  So things like fear and sex were major priorities, while general happiness was farther down the list.  The world that we live in requires very little self/species preservation.  Despite this fact, the “wiring” for the old world is still intact.  So a modern “threat” feels very much like a situation of life or death without any of the true peril.  The signals will continue to be sent in this fashion, until we are willing to “re-wire” ourselves.

This process is not like the re-wiring of house.  It doesn’t require a professional or a lot of money but it does require time.  Humans generally don’t change without time and/or major incentives.  A methodical approach to managing your mind can go a long way to creating a better life for you.  Regular practice at calming your prehistoric brain will go a long way.  Taking the time to recognize that your response to situations is not based on what will help but rather things that are pre-programmed will help you to re-program those responses.  Remember that you don’t have to act like a caveman even if you have the same operating system as one.

Go make history by reprogramming your prehistoric systems!

Pete

Blogpost

It’s Not You! It’s Me! (But It’s Really You)

Pete Huryk

CostanzaGeorge Costanza would not accept it! Upon being dumped by a significant other, she tried to employ the most common of breakup cushioning. “It’s not you! It’s me!” This is an age old ploy to deflect a super direct hit to the ego of the person being dumped. Rather than telling the person the real reasons that they no longer want to be with you, the softener is used.  While it may cushion the short term blow, it does nothing for the long term development of the person as a viable mate.  Costanza, as usual, is an outlier in his stance on “It’s not you!  It’s me!”  He doesn’t want to hear it.  He wants to know that it is his fault that the relationship is falling apart.  While a little aggressive in his approach, maybe it’s time to learn from George.

The finger of blame is wielded around like an oscillating sprinkler head.  It blankets the surrounding area effectively enough but the source never becomes a target.  It creates a two-fold problem that compounds over time.  People, who are unable to hear the truth of their shortcomings, never get beyond them.  Despite being adept at avoiding the mirror’s reflection, they usually become better at noticing the faults of others.  From a perch of perfection, the mere mortals that surround you seem almost foolish in their daily mistakes.  So the cycle of delusion and dispersion continues.  Until there is that extremely uncomfortable face to face meeting with the reality of imperfection.

The way to combat this is to cut it off at the beginning.  Assume that it’s you!  At least partially, if not wholly.  You’re to blame.  You didn’t do enough or did too much.  Put it onto yourself first because at least then you’re in control of it.  You can change something: an action, a habit, a relationship or even just your outlook.  When you take total responsibility for yourself and the things you can control, you’ll find yourself on much more stable ground to influence the people around you to do the same.  You’re not a victim!  You’re a contributor!  If all you have to contribute is blame and excuses, then you’re going to end up alone on your perch of perfection.  Waiting for it to fall!

Pete

 

Blogpost

I’ll Go For You!

Pete Huryk

L-Photo9-dog-sniffing-locker-1During my sophomore year of college, my two younger brothers were in high school together.  One was a senior and the other was a freshman.  At one point during the school year, there were “Drug sniffing” dogs brought in to do a search of the school.  Students stayed in their classes while the school was swept.  If your locker was tagged, you were supposed to report to the office in order to have your locker searched.  My freshman brother’s locker had a tag on it.  Completely panicked, he went and found his senior brother.  One question from the senior brother, “Do you have any drugs in your locker?”  The response was “no”.  The senior brother went straight to the office and reported that his locker had been tagged.  He brought the officials to the locker for it to be searched.  The school officials questioned whether this was really his locker or not because it was in a freshman hallway.  My brother was adamant!  This is my locker!  Upon being opened and searched, the locker did not contain any drugs.  There was however a half eaten box of crackers at the bottom which the dog must have smelled.  I wasn’t there and no one has discussed that incident for years but I still get choked up when thinking about it.

As I am going through preseason as a coach, I am always trying to instill in my players through my words and my actions, the exact sentiment that my younger brother displayed that day.  I’LL GO FOR YOU!  The idea that I’ll put myself in harm’s way for the good of others.  It’s one of the main reasons why I’m still involved in sports after all of these years.  It’s not the championships, trophies or victories.  It’s those moments when you can truly see that people throughout the team have that simple idea tattooed on their brains “I’ll go for you!”  I’ll give you everything that I’ve got and then some because I know that you’d do the same for me.

The ironic thing is that this has become so very rare in our society but the teams that I’ve seen do the best had this.  People are usually worried about what’s in it for them and when will they get their due.  In my experience, it seems to be that when you are willing to give everything and expect nothing, is exactly the time when you get more than your due.  This can be a difficult concept for a large group of people to buy into but when they do, it can be magical.

The best example of this idea that I’ve ever heard of was when Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers had his father pass away.  There was some doubt whether or not he’d play the next game.  It’s not his decision to play that I find extraordinary but rather his teammates commitment to him.  In this video clip about the game at 2:19 Donald Driver (Wide Receiver) describes exactly what I’ve been talking about.  “Whatever he throws, we catch.”  In a time of pain for their teammate, they were not going to let him fail.  That’s what being a teammate and a family member is about.

Now don’t misread my words!  Not everyone deserves everything you’ve got but if no one is willing to go first then we all lose.  So be the one who is willing to give into the unknown.  Tell the people who truly matter with both your words and your actions; “I’LL GO FOR YOU!”  Most of the time you’ll find, they’ll go for you too!

Go team!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

I’m Afraid to Try

Pete Huryk

“You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me.  I’m loner Dottie, A REBEL!” -Pee Wee Herman (Pee Wee’s Big Adventure)

DannyZukoThis line is from the quite ridiculous but still entertaining Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.  And it was co-opted by the band The Get Up Kids as a song title in the 90’s.  The song outlines one perspective of a short term love affair where the singer refuses to give the relationship a chance.  In his own words, “because I’m afraid to try.”  It’s an old story that probably precedes Danny Zuko in Grease.  Boy meets girl.  Boy likes girls.  Boy wants to leave while things are still fun and casual because a relationship is just too much work.

It’s applicable to so many things but relationships are possibly the easiest target.  In a world where Tinder and OkCupid are facilitators of the present dating scene, this mindset will probably get more widespread.  The fast and easy wins out over the slow build (which is perceived as a grind).  Of course this is only perception.  Reality holds millions of possibilities.  For many, a life with one person is a much more joyous existence than the shallowness of singles life.  Regardless of which way you lean, it’s not really the point.  The point is the actual words.  “I’m afraid to try!”  It’s not, “I’m afraid to commit!” or “I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt!”  It’s “I’m afraid to try!”

This is probably the most dangerous thing that I see from not just young people but people in general.  There is a fear of trying.  Putting yourself out there has the perception of being difficult.  And in the younger generation, it is chastised because for some reason “try hard” is now an insult.  Much like nerd or geek of the past, this is a completely idiotic strategy as a culture.  Demean those who excel in order to make the average feel better about themselves.  (But I digress)  The thing is that people have become so accustomed to guarantees that effort toward an unknown is just too scary.  There’s no point in following a rainbow because a pot of gold is not waiting for us.

It’s time to buck the trend.  TRYING (no offense to Yoda!) is often the point.  Finding our limits.  Pressing up against what is possible.  Discovering new territory is exactly the point!  Imagine where we would be if through history, we were this risk averse.  We’d be dead!  Hunters wouldn’t have had any assurances of catching any prey, so why go out to hunt?

Your survival and progress as human being depends on THE TRY!  So go out there today with the intention and determination to try.  It doesn’t need to be something monumental.  It just needs to be outside of your comfort zone.  An experiment, an attempt, a risk, a small gamble.  That’s the only way to move forward.  One little try at a time.  And I’ll suggest that you deny the teenage ridicule by TRYING HARD!

Have a great day people!

Pete

 

 

Blogpost, self-reliance

I Refuse to Lose Your Race

Pete Huryk

In high school, I ran track and field. High jump and long jump were my specialties but I also won points for the team in some of the sprints. Track is a completely different animal than most other sports. Although it’s a team competition, most of the events are competed as individuals. Much of a track meet is spent waiting around for your event to take place. So they end up being long affairs because all of the races are run on the same surface.

The longest race that was run in my area was the two mile. It could get time consuming if there were slow runners. So the officials would have the slow 2 milers move to the outside lanes and start the next race. It was pretty easy to tell the difference between someone running a slow 2 mile and the 400 meter relay, so it was an effective way to use the common space. Imagine though that the officials ran every single race at the same time. It would be chaos! Tracking who was leading which event would be difficult if not impossible. Despite this fact, it begins to paint a picture of the challenge that many people have internally and society may have externally.

The metaphor of a track and field competition is a useful one. Although time and distance are the two major measurements used, there are other factors that play heavily into certain events. A javelin thrower cares very little about the time of his run up but very much about his arm mechanics. The fact that all of the athletes are focusing on different components in order to get different results mirrors much of our perception of success in life.

People are gauging their success in different ways and for different reasons. Much like the simultaneous track events, it’s easy to get confused about whether you’re leading or trailing when comparing yourself with others. If you’re focus is on having a spectacular family life, you may feel like a failure when comparing your wealth to someone who is judging themselves only on the monetary metric. It’s a fool’s errand to try to beat someone at a game that you’re not even playing.

So the thing to do is Decide! Decide on the games that you’re playing. For sure you can play the family and monetary game simultaneously but recognizing that your attention is split between the two will keep you from caring about the 30 other games that are going on. Win on your own terms in the things that are important to you. You’re much more likely to enjoy the game when you set up the rules and keep score!

Ready?  Set!  Go!

Pete