Blogpost, self-reliance

If School is Prison, Be Andy Dufresne…

ShawshankThe thought of school being like prison is not a new one.  I’m sure that most students have thought it or said it at one point.  It’s an easy enough correlation to make: brick walls, questionable food, time to be served and other ne’er do wells in the same boat.  Although I’ve visited a prison before, most of my frame of reference comes from books and movies.  The most prevalent being The Shawshank Redemption.  While this book/movie is completely fictitious, conceived in the mind of Stephen King, there is value in the exercise of comparing the fiction to the reality.

Most prisoners in the story are simply waiting out the term of their sentence.  Like the character Brooks in the movie, they wait for many years and then are utterly lost when they are released.  This is not unlike many high school students.  Their years in captivity are spent waiting for their time to be up but not fully conceiving what they might do with their freedom.

Bill_Gates_June_2015The one outlier in Shawshank Prison is Andy Dufresne.  A former banker that does not endure his time in the prison but uses it.  Although his sentence is life, he always has an idea of what he’ll do with his life when he gets out.  Slowly and methodically he uses time as his ally to dig his way out of prison and to his desired future.  While this makes for a good movie, it is just fiction, isn’t it?  A quick read of the story of a young Bill Gates shows a great example of art imitating life imitating art.

Prison is a place where a person is confined.  It is possible to be in physical prison and be free mentally.  The much more common situation seems to be people that are physically free but mentally imprisoned.  They are shackled to self-limiting thoughts and habitual attitudes that keep them from living freely.  If you feel like you’re in prison, take a look around and try to find the warden.  There really isn’t one.  Just systems that can be endured or used to improve your station when you’re done with your time.  Don’t let a situation that you don’t like turn your life into one that you don’t like.  The only one who can give permission for your mind to be a prison is you.

Be free today!

Pete

 

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I See France in the Mirror

Eiffel towerI have often wondered what history lessons are like in Germany about the period between 1900-1950.  From an outside perspective it is easy to characterize Germany as the villain of that epoch.  Is it viewed as a period of shame?  Or glossed over as unfortunate past events?  Often people and nations have a hard time seeing themselves as others would see them.  When looking at others, it is easier to make judgment that we believe is right.  We can see their faults, shortcomings, idiosyncrasies and failures.  Or we laud their beauty, strength, courage or “perfection”.  Self-reflection is usually skewed in either a positive or negative direction.  People, just like nations, have a history that they must reconcile in order to move forward.  Recently upon thinking of Germany’s past and looking in the mirror, I reflected on what nation I represent.

At first I thought Switzerland, a neutral state that is willing to keep the currency of others in secrecy.  It had some possibility but fell short.  Then I considered my ancestral homeland of Poland.  It has been overrun by many others and despite almost disappearing at certain points, it keeps coming back with resilience.  This would be nice and comfortable for me but unfortunately it’s not true.

Unfortunately I’m France.  Man, it pisses me off to write that!  There are many things to love about me but I give off an air of aloofness that puts people off.  At times, I’ve let my enemies take parts of me without much of a fight and needed the support of close friends to make me whole again.  I can be characterized as lazy but generally I work to live, not the other way around.  My reputation for being standoffish is justifiable but also location based.  If you truly want to get to know me, don’t do it where the crowds are.  I’m much better off the beaten path and rich in areas that you didn’t know were there.

What country are you?  Please don’t search Facebook for a quiz that tells!  Figure out that story for yourself.  If you don’t like what you’ve found (as I don’t), then make the necessary adjustment.  Despite being France, I can change my actions and therefore my story about who I am.  You can too.  Just because you were beaten, trampled, torn apart and considered unworthy in the past, does not mean that your history needs to continue on that path.  Your history cannot predict your future, unless you let it!

Have a great day!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Fatherhood Entrance Exam

FatherhoodI have a very clear recollection of the day that I passed the test that told me that I was ready to be a father.  I was on the bottom floor of my in-laws’ house on a lake in Virginia.  A strange sound came from outside that I didn’t recognize.  A few seconds later my wife (now ex) screamed my name.  It was the kind of scream that I knew something was wrong.  I jumped up and sprinted out the door.  When I reached her on the deck outside, I quickly found out the source of the sound and why she screamed.  Our dog, Kelme, was pinned down by another dog that was attacking him.  The two dogs were about ten feet below the deck on the rocks that sloped down toward the lake.  Without a moment’s hesitation, I jumped over the deck’s railing and dropped the ten feet landing next to the two dogs.  Luckily my sudden appearance and loud shouts were enough to scare the dog off without my having to fight him.  I picked up Kelme and raced him to the vet.  His wounds were very minor and he made a full and energetic recovery.  It was after that incident that I knew for sure that I could be a father.

KelmeNot everyone gets that type of real life test that tells them something important about themselves.  Generally people have to take a leap of faith that they can handle the situation.  The phrase there is not unimportant, “leap”.  I can’t say for certain whether I would have gotten the same type of self-assurance from that situation had I run down the stairs to Kelme’s aid.  The jump was important because it separated me completely from safety and put me directly into harm’s way: both from the rocks and the dog.  The willingness to take the risk of the leap was key.  Lives don’t need to be at stake.  Broken limbs and dog attacks don’t need to be risked.

The keys to any endeavor of creation: child, book, movie, relationship, song, poem, etc. are the leap and the foregoing of self.  Neither is particularly easy to do.  Leaping requires a detachment from the stability of the known world for something much more uncertain.  Putting something else before ourselves is also an exercise in chance.  With both, fear is a major opposing force.  While fear is an emotion that is intended to protect us from pain, it is often the force that keeps us from living fully.  A full life is one that requires creation and therefore risk.  There are no diplomas, courses or tests that can prepare you to live fully.  It is something that needs to be done on the fly everyday with consistent action.  The act of leaping may never become completely comfortable but it may just become completely worth it.

Leap today!

Pete

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I Was TeamSnap

Youth SoccerIt was around 1988 when I started making the phone calls.  On Friday nights, it was my job to call all of the players/parents from my soccer team. The information that I had to tell them was where the game was and what time the “caravan” was leaving A&P’s parking lot.  It wasn’t a fun job but it was a necessary one to make sure that everyone got to the game.  Today we have TeamSnap and other services to take care of this job.  While I’m sure that my fourteen year old self would have jumped at the chance to have this service available.  I’m glad that I suffered through that weekly chore.

There are so many little inconveniences that have been taken off of our plates.  At a quick glance, it may seem that we’ve gained in time by their removal.  The question that I’m asking at the moment is what was lost at the same time?  If you take that job away from my young self, he loses a sense of responsibility, ownership in the team concept, ability to talk to adults on the phone, a knowledge of our surrounding area and other things that are worth a half hour per week.

I’m definitely not anti-technology.  The thing that I’m trying to maintain in my own life is a sense of being human while utilizing technology.  We can become more human by using technology as a tool to enhance our lives.  Connect with people that are far away.  Learn and grow at times that are more convenient.  Save time in order to spend it with friends and family.  Some of the best things in life are inconvenient.  I would never replace my brother with an app just because it is more reliable and remembers my birthday.

Blogpost, self-reliance

Trauma or Possibility

MarathonI had blood all over me.  I didn’t know where I was.  It was the coldest that I’d ever been in my life.  I couldn’t see a thing.  All that I could do was scream.  Luckily help was nearby and I was able to calm down.  It had been a difficult trial but I was alive and in the hospital.  Just when things seemed as if they would be OK, a complete stranger came along and chopped off a quarter of my penis.  All of that trauma happened in the first twenty four hours of my life.  Despite that very rough beginning, I’ve done quite well for myself.

This story is at least partially true for almost all of us.  We were all thrust into this world naked, afraid and unable to speak, read or write.  It is not something that we give much thought to because it happens to everyone.  However birth (or creation) is a messy and traumatic business by all accounts.  Not just the human producing ones but also the birth of companies, relationships, art or anything else.   There is always that starting point of conception that is magical and exhilarating.  Eventually that moment is replaced by some form of hard labor in order to get the creation out into the world.  Just because it’s painful, doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it.  The narrative of the present day is about safety and comfort.  Our world has had most of its sharp edges taken off.  While I’m all for vaccinating against the next Bubonic Plague, there are some struggles that are important for people to go through.  Not all pain is trauma.

As you conceive the next dream of where you’re going or what you’re doing, do a little pre-trauma planning.  Like a person that is preparing for a marathon, it is important to understand your “quit points”.  Quitting is not shameful if it is done for the right reasons.  A broken leg is a justifiable quit inducing occurrence.  Cramps are a nuisance to be fought through.  The difference between trauma and possibility is perspective and the next few steps that are taken.  Expectation that everything will be easy is a sure fire way to turn every problem into trauma.  Traumatizing yourself with things that should be expected is recipe for disaster.  Imagine freaking out because your newborn child couldn’t walk.  It’s a process not a fully completed miracle.  Take the possibility and run with it.

You can make it!

Pete

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Kryptonite As Fuel

supermanThe story of Superman becomes very boring without Kryptonite.  A man who is super strong, fast, invulnerable, can fly and shoots lasers from his eyes is not a compelling story.  His abilities make him unbeatable.  So defeating evil-doers is not a matter of ability, it’s a matter of time.  Without Kryptonite, Superman’s story becomes one of an interplanetary janitor who is here to clean up our biggest societal messes.  A completely infallible hero is difficult to sell but exposing his Achilles heel makes him a star.

The recognition of Kryptonite as the fuel that drives the story of Superman is not just comic book pontificating.  It is the realization of exactly what makes our own lives worth living.  Our Kryptonite is death.  It may seem like the enemy but it is the thing that makes the moments of our lives matter.  Without death, time is an inexhaustible currency that has no value to us personally.  Frittering away minutes, hours or even years would be meaningless to the person who will live forever.  The intrigue is gone because there is nothing at stake.  This is great news!

The time that you do have is a gift.  It has value to both you and the people that you touch throughout your life.  Don’t become crippled by the fact that you will die some day.  Be empowered by the fuel that it can give you to live with purpose and passion.  Your existence is only a drop in the ocean of eternity.  Make that drop count!  The fact that your Kryptonite is out there somewhere in the future makes you both: powerful and meaningful.  You’ve got one shot at this .  Go for it!

Have a SUPER day!  (Yes!  That was cheesy!  But what the hell!)

Pete

SoccerLifeBalance

Youth Soccer’s Jekyll & Hyde Dilemma

JekyllHydeIt’s one of my favorite lines from a song by one of my favorite bands “Your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear a word your saying!”  The song is called “I want to conquer the world” and it juxtaposes the idealism and the reality of people.  It’s a punk rock song and due to soccer’s historical underground following in the US, I usually equate the two on a few levels.  At the moment, the youth soccer world is caught in an almost Jekyll and Hyde scenario.  Many of the positives of the sport that is loved by millions are regularly mangled and deranged in the pursuit of momentary glory.  In each paragraph, I will start with the ideal and follow it with the real.

Soccer is fun!  – That’s absolutely right.  The game is or can be fun.  It is played worldwide in streets and fields by kids who truly love to express themselves with a ball.  More than ever though in the United States, we are heaping pressure on younger and younger players to perform.  Not for the joy of the game but for the reward of the result.  The players being indoctrinated into a system where they’re sent a very direct message, “perform well or else!”  The consequences are being benched or being cut.  As young as 8 years old, players are treated like performing fleas.  The actions send a clear message that fun is at best secondary and probably tertiary behind results and development.

Sportsmanship is important! – Of course, treating other people with respect is an important lesson to learn in sports.  Unless it’s the referee that’s missed five hand balls already!  He or she deserves to be told exactly how horrible they are.  It is hilarious to think that kids practice for hours each week but a comment about their actual skills from the sidelines is rare.  A majority of comments are directed at the one person who no one is there to see perform.  Our children are learning a dangerous lesson about their place in society.  Do your best and if anything doesn’t go your way, blame the authority because they are supposed to be perfect.  Those people in charge are not human and deserve to be treated horribly.  Could this be why we have a referee shortage?

We support you! – Youth soccer is a multi million (probably billion) dollar business because parents care enough to give their kids the very best!  The best trainers, the best camps and the best tournaments are all purchased for a premium price.  That financial investment shows exactly how much parents care for their kids.  Or perhaps the lack of their personal time investment says something else as practice becomes a convenient babysitter.  I can hear the justification now, “But the trainer is better than me at coaching.”  That might be true but can you line fields, be a club board member or practice with your child.  If a child truly loves to play, then they would probably enjoy playing with their parent from time to time.  Relegating your involvement in your child’s athletics to spectator is a low level of involvement.  Children need their parents.  Outsourcing may be a sign of the times but there are some jobs that are too important to be left to hired hands.

Perhaps it is time to reign in the beast and start walking the talk.  The ideas are all out there in the world.  Generally speaking people know the answers but lack the fortitude to follow through.  Whether it is a “keeping up with the Joneses mentality” or a lack of emotional control in the moment.  People need to realize that the macro is made up of the micro.  The small decisions, that we make about how relating to our children through sport, will inform the larger decisions that they make about their lives.  Are we setting our kids up to be the best versions of themselves?  Or are the mixed messages going to create a noticeable disconnect between the sent and received?  “It is what it is” may be a popular statement but it’s not a plan.  Let’s make it what it should be.

Pete

 

 

Blogpost

What You Wanted Is Here

SearsBefore Amazon, there was (at least in my world) the Sears Catalog.  It was a huge “magazine” that had just about every product in the Sears store.  It was a place that my brothers and I would peruse some time before Christmas to find things we wanted.  I remember that I always focused in on the guitars.  They weren’t overly expensive at the time and I fancied myself as a future guitarist.  Despite my desire, I never told my parents nor did I save up money to purchase one.  In hindsight, I really didn’t want the guitar.  I liked the idea of the guitar but if I had truly wanted it, I’d have found a way.

That’s the way that life really works.  Look down and look around.  For the most part, the things that you have are the things that you really want.  They are your musts, non-negotiables, have to haves.  People often think that they have wants but most of the time they have dreams or fantasies.  I have a fantasy of weighing 170 lbs again.  Unfortunately I don’t really want it.  If I did, I’d be there.  My weight is a direct reflection of my true wants: taste, dietary freedom, comfort food and convenience.  When I truly start wanting that ideal weight, I’ll take the actions that will get me there.  Until then, it’s not true.  I don’t want it unless it’s easy.

The things worth having are never easy.  Value is usually associated to scarcity or uniqueness.  This is a tough thing to remember in a life of convenience.  There are so many good things that are easily accessible that we bury ourselves in the good, foregoing the truly valuable because it’s inconvenient.  What you wanted is all around you.  If you truly want for more, you’ll find a way.  In five years will you be surrounded by more mediocre trinkets?  Or will you have something better?  In the end you’re going to find the ultimate thing that you’re looking for is that best version of you.  It won’t come easy and it’s not in a catalog or on Amazon.  So get what you want by being who you want to be.

Have a great day!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Fair’s NOT Coming to Town

CottonCandyWith summer almost here, it almost time cotton candy, hot dogs, games and fun.  Unfortunately fair’s not coming to town.  The trucks, the rides and treats might all show up for a few days but there will be kids and adults alike expecting fair.  Johnny whose cotton candy is smaller than his sister’s cries about fair.  The father who remembers when the ticket for a ride was a quarter, not a dollar will complain about fair.  The Scrambler operator will hear about the pay that his friends get at their jobs and wish for fair.  Fair is not coming to town because it’s usually a one sided proposition.

When dealing in many of life’s currencies, it is smart and possibly necessary to pay attention to equity.  At times this should be pedestrian and others miserly.  Regardless the perception of fair comes from the perceived value exchange.  Time, money, love, gold, loyalty and a slew of other currencies trade at different values for each individual.  There is no standard exchange rate.  Even in monetary terms, there is constant fluctuation in the value of the dollar vs. the yen vs. the pound.  Fair is not coming, it needs to be created.

The world is operating on a deficit in many currencies.  The problem is that many people are miserly with currencies that are infinite.  The ones that we individually create.  So therefore we cannot run out of them.  Love, empathy, friendship, etc. are worth giving away in the hopes of creating more.  Determining a level of fair exchange is individual but why hoard these currencies?  We (the world) benefit from their free exchange.  Hatred, malice, jealousy, etc. are also infinite but should be wielded with great caution.  They tend to injure and despite our great civilizations, we are still animals.  Wounded animals tend to cower or lash out.  Both perpetuate a black market exchange that corrupts the soul.

Fair is not coming to town.  Your exchanges are bound to be imperfect and unbalanced.  The question is; do you feel proud of your balance sheet?  The sum total of your life cannot be measured in dollars and cents.  It can be estimated whether or not your life made sense.  Philanthropist, miser or tyrant is your choice to make and it will be decided by your actions.  Is that fair?

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Buying Life Condoms

LifeCondomIn high school in the 90’s, it was difficult not to be bombarded with the safe sex talk of that era.  The positive test of Magic Johnson with HIV gave a famous face to a disease that had not fully hit mainstream awareness.  Many actions were taken to help protect young people from their hormones.  Not least of all the education system’s attempt to prepare us with lessons about condoms.  I remember very plainly Mr. Vellucci, my bio teacher, asking us if we understood how condoms worked.  Or did we need him to demonstrate using a banana as he had been instructed to do.  It was all very well intentioned and I’m sure that it worked to some degree.  Unfortunately with the widespread use of the internet and mass media, our children need to be protected again from a disease that threatens to kill every last one of them: LIFE.

Luckily major efforts have been made around the country and the globe to protect young people from this abomination.  Teachers, parents and coaches have been instructed to protect all children from failure, disappointment and reality at all costs.  Falls, cuts, scrapes, risks, chances, expectations and a slew of LIFE’s other cohorts must be eradicated with extreme prejudice.  Keeping our kids safe is JOB #1.  Allowing them to live and learn fall near the bottom of the list behind getting into a good college, winning many trophies, being perfect and so many other things that are put on their schedules.  What we need now are some Life Condoms!  A protective covering that will keep out all negatives.  Just need to find a new substance because someone is bound to be allergic to latex and sheepskin doesn’t protect anyone from anything.  At this point, I feel the need to stop because I’m afraid that there is a mother someplace who is reading thinking “This sounds like a GREAT idea!”

Life is a messy business.  We come into this world screaming, covered in blood, unable to speak, read, write or walk.  Despite this introduction through chaos, there is an expectation that life is supposed to get cleaner, neater and follow specific guidelines.  The truth is that the human animal was made for the rugged battles of the natural world.  We seem to be more susceptible to the trappings of comfort and fortune rather than hard circumstances.  Adopting a Spartan lifestyle is probably not necessary but a healthy dose of reality is probably in order.  Letting a young person tie their own shoe laces, make their own dinner, fight their own battles is not particularly a bad thing.

The life condom doesn’t exist but based on the complaints I hear regularly, some wish it did.  They want their parents, the government, the president, their teacher or any other official power figure to step up and fix their life for them.  Eventually these desires are going to come up empty.  No one is going to take care of you indefinitely.

So since it will be on you at some point, why not cut the complaining?  Take over the parts of your life that should absolutely belong to you and run with them.  Nothing is going to start out perfect and it never will be if you don’t do your part.  Complaining problems away seems like a bad strategy and a poor way to live.  Life was meant to be messy.  Get over it!  Dust yourself off, clean up your wounds and move on.  Otherwise go looking for a life condom but that truly is like taking a shower with a raincoat on.  Most of the joy in life is found in the things that we never expected to happen.

Don’t protect yourself out of the best parts of life.

Pete