Tag: relationships

Blogpost, self-reliance

You Have to Earn My Keys!

Pete Huryk

The example is simple and I’ve been using it for years. Think for a moment. Who would you trust with your keys? The list is pretty easy to come up with quickly. Close friends, family members and a few others are the usual suspects. They’ve earned the right to have your keys because you trust them. Most likely there are friends and family members that you wouldn’t trust with them. You’re going to be discerning because of the possible negative impact.

The keys question is so extremely simple because it is tangible. For some reason, we have a much more difficult time with deciding on the people that we’ll allow to influence our thoughts. Especially our thoughts about ourselves. These days there is a constant stream of information coming from the outside world. Much of it is aimed at influencing our thoughts and decisions. From the marketers who are trying to sell us something to the trolls who leave a random comments to make us feel badly, these people have most likely not earned the right but often they get let in anyway. So it’s important to stand guard at the gate of your mind.

This isn’t an easy task. We are bombarded constantly and therefore must be at the ready to deflect or accept. So here are a few things that you might want to consider doing in a quiet moment when you’re not overwhelmed by stimuli.

  • Decide on who and about what: have a list or an idea inside of your head of who you trust and on what topics. I trust my best friend with my secrets but not particularly my diet.
  • Decide on non-negotiables: there are some things about you that aren’t up for debate, regardless of who is talking to you.
  • Consider the intent of the source: people will sometimes act altruistically but often people are self-serving. If their self-serving desires also serve you, WIN-WIN. If not, then beware.

It’s not the easiest thing in the world to choose who you’ll trust with your “keys” but it’s necessary to lead a life on your terms. Although the keys analogy is not a perfect one, it’s a helpful starting spot. If you wouldn’t let this person drive your car, why are you going to let them drive your thoughts?

Buckle up! It’s a bumpy ride!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Whatever It Takes

Pete Huryk

That was the message on the back of a t-shirt that I saw recently. Obviously that’s not meant to be taken 100% literally. There are plenty of things that the t-shirt wearer wouldn’t do to achieve their goals. Most likely murder, theft and a variety of other caveats could be made to the very blanket statement. There are plenty of people who would rather quibble about the exceptions than buy into the spirit of the message. Why? The reason is that it’s easier! Criticizing and picking apart something is a much more comfortable task than getting something done. Much like my favorite quote from Teddy Roosevelt’s speech at the Sorbonne, “it is not the critic that counts!”

So let’s ignore the fine print for the moment and only deal in big bold letters that you put on the back of a t-shirt. What are the things that warrant that level of dedication in your life? What goals do you have that could incite that commitment? It’s easier not to ask that question! By far it’s much more simple to not try to discover those limits of your capability! Not because you’re going to get anywhere near to the fine print items that the nit pickers would worry about. Quite the contrary! It’s the comfortable situations that we’ve grown accustomed to. Risking the known for an unknown that comes with some doubt. It’s not about the fine print or sacrificing our code of ethics. More than likely it’s a risk analysis that spikes our fear response.

So figure out what it is that you would put that level of commitment into and then do it! Regardless of the critics! Regardless of the fear that you feel inside! It’s necessary to avoid becoming a “cold and timid soul”. The one fact that you cannot avoid. No matter what your particular goal is. Whatever else it might take, IT’S GOING TO TAKE YOU!

Whatever it takes!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

I’m Not Completely Certain….

Pete Huryk

About so much!

  • If we’re living in a simulation.
  • If jobs will still be a thing when AI becomes pervasive.
  • If I can maintain a weight of 175 lbs for more than a few weeks without it negatively affecting my mood.
  • If cats are really spies for aliens.
  • If the president really has anywhere near the influence that people think.
  • If beer before liquor will make me sicker (although I’m pretty sure).
  • If the sun will rise tomorrow.

There are so many things out there that I’m not 100% certain about. It could be daunting. So knowing what you’re certain about becomes more important. It is the foundation on which those wobbly bricks can be laid. That stability is priceless.

  • I love my children.
  • Gravity is pretty consistent on this planet.
  • Tough times are going to show up but I can figure them out.
  • Good times don’t last forever but they don’t stay away forever either.
  • I’m not the best at anything except for being me.
  • Soccer is the best sport on the planet.
  • There are people out there who love me and generally I know who they are.
  • Han Solo was right, knowing your odds almost never helps.
  • I can handle more than I realize.
  • Most people are mostly good but mostly act in their own interest the most, MOSTLY.
  • Mike Birbiglia is a great comedian.

This is not an exhaustive list and some of them are mainly there for comic relief. This world is filled with both certainty and uncertainty and we need both. A life of full certainty is boring but total uncertainty would be maddening. Mostly they are choices though. People doubt things all the time that are “self-evident” to others. My metric for this level of belief is whether or not it serves me.

Since my general message is self-empowerment, I implore you to believe in yourself. Not that you can handle anything but that you can handle most things that life brings to you. It’s going to serve you much better than the opposite.

I’m pretty certain about that!

Pete

Blogpost, posh, self-reliance

The Deep Dive and I Might Be an Alien

Pete Huryk

For some reason that I cannot fully explain, when something catches my interest, I tend to go to extreme lengths to understand and appreciate it. I’ve done a “deep dive” on a lot of things through my life based on passing experiences that could have amounted to almost nothing. But I decided to go far beyond the call of the moment and explore that thing to its depths. Below are a few examples:

  • In first grade, I received a flyer with a picture of Snoopy heading a soccer ball. Forty years later, I have been playing, coaching, watching and studying the game consistently.
  • In seventh grade, I went to a concert where the opening act was the band, Tesla. I’ve not seen them again in concert. However I know quite a bit about their namesake, Nikola Tesla. His feud with Edison and his work with electricity are just the tip of the iceberg on a fascinating man that I know a bit too much about.
  • After playing the FIFA video game for many years and finding it too easy to win the Premier League with teams like Liverpool, I decided to bring a lower league team up to the Premiership. Almost two decades later, I’ve made two trips to England, subscribe to the team’s streaming service to watch games, write blogs about them and have their crest on more of my clothing than I’d like to admit. No tattoos yet!

These are just a few simple examples of deep dives that I’ve made through the years. Teddy Roosevelt, the band Knapsack and so many other could be added to the list. Everyone has their own areas of interest. Often it is based on the influence of peers. Sometimes it is a societal thing that makes someone go “cuckoo for cocoa puffs” (never liked them). The reason that I bring all of this up is that I’m slightly worried that I’m an alien. There are so many cool things in this world! And it seems like we’re skimming the Cliff Notes!

In no way am I telling anyone what they should like. If the Dolly Parton, ornithology or the A-Team are your thing, then go for it! We have so much access and information at our finger tips but the lowest common denominator is where we often end up. It’s not about the deep dive! It’s the new trend of the moment that will be replaced tomorrow by another. Jumping from one puddle to the next, we have less bandwidth or desire to do a “deep dive” into anything. This isn’t bothersome to me because people are not studying the ins and outs of turtles as much as I’d like. My fear is that it’s going to become pervasive.

Perhaps if we’re not willing to take a deep dive into something, we’ll all become shallow copies of similar puddles. Therefore we’ll stop wanting to do deep dives on each other because we’ll know there isn’t much there. It will be easy to dismiss others after cursory interaction because we’ve met people like them before. We all have the potential of depth and maybe even a predisposition toward it. However it takes time, effort and focus. All three of these seem to be in short supply because we’re trying to get to the next thing faster. What if the thing that’s in front of us right now deserves a deep dive? Would ever realize that we missed it?

Dive deep today people!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Opposite Day and Chinese Finger Traps

Pete Huryk

Since I’ve not taught at the elementary level for a long time, I’m not sure what grade “opposite day” becomes a thing. Not even 100% sure if it still happens where good becomes bad. Hot becomes cold and a multitude of other variations. More than anything, it seems to be a tactic to frustrate someone or create an insider and outsider grouping. It doesn’t usually make it an entire day because the additional thought gets exhausting for those playing the “prank” and they move on. Or as the prank persists, the pranksters realize that they are in the minority in larger world. Either way this tends to be short-lived because the payoff isn’t worth the effort. Contradicting the tried and true is not the best strategy. Unless you’re in a Chinese Finger Trap!

If you’ve never experienced one, a Chinese Finger Trap is a novelty item that holds your fingers tighter the harder that you pull away. The trick is that only by pushing your fingers together can you free yourself from the “trap”. It’s a gag to be sure and not a difficult one to solve. Enough people have seen them to know the trick. Unfortunately in life, we run into Finger Traps from time to time. They are not always so easy to decipher or free ourselves from. Often we persist in the “normal” action that is actually getting the opposite result than we desire. For example: normally to build a connection with a person, you need to spend time together. In theory, more time should equate to more connection. However there comes a saturation point where even a good thing becomes a negative. It’s a finger trap!

So as you go into your day, pay attention to the efforts that you’re putting in and the results that you’re getting back. It’s possible that you’re wasting effort in a finger trap. Freeing yourself from that situation may give you more energy, time or focus to put elsewhere. Or perhaps a smarter application of your efforts might get you exactly what you’re looking for rather than frustration. If life were simple, it would get boring pretty quickly. And isn’t that possible the biggest finger trap of them all? We want things to be easy, so we won’t be stressed. But then when things get too easy, we get bored!

Enjoy the push and the pull of life today!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Your Life Directive – FCO

Pete Huryk

This may be an extremely short post because it is reminiscent of Neil Gaiman’s “Make Good Art” speech. I am nowhere near as eloquent as Neil nor is my message as lofty. However its repetitious nature puts them in a similar category. Your life directive is simple. Figure crap out! That’s what you’re supposed to do every day from your birth until your death!

All of these large humans are making noises with their mouths that seem to mean something – Figure that crap out!

Laying on the floor and want to get from here to there – Figure crap out!

There’s all of these symbols in these books that other people are able to decipher. – Figure crap out!

Started getting unsettling feelings when this particular person is near. – Figure crap out!

Just got punched in the face figuratively or literally. – Figure crap out!

The plan for the next 20 years just got ruined. – Figure crap out!

The crap is not going to stop coming! Sorry if that word is offensive to someone reading this but that’s another thing for you to figure out. Problems, challenges, opportunities, moments, obstacles, etc. Whatever label works for you does not matter! The thing that does matter is your disposition toward the things that come your way. If you constantly lament everything that comes down the pike, then you are bound to dislike this journey. Plenty of people with all of the reasons in the world to enjoy life have checked out of their existence because they could not see the positives of their directive.

It’s not always going to be easy but now you know what to do every day!

FCO!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

What You Need To Hear… Why Best Friends Matter

Pete Huryk

What you need to hear is usually not the same as what you want to hear. Generally we want to hear about how well we’re doing, how special we are or how we cannot be replaced. All of these are true to a degree. When all variables are considered, there’s a certain amount of truth to almost anything that someone tells you. There are, of course, some truths that have the power to change everything in an instant. The problem is that a force of that magnitude is overwhelming. It can destroy just as easily as it can create change. So the truth needs to come from a source that is trusted to a degree that malice is not even a consideration. That is the space of a best friend. They cannot do it often but it’s possible for a best friend to tell you exactly what you need to hear, right when you need to hear it.

Best of friends ready to travel together.
Older now but still have each other’s back!

I was lucky enough to have that experience this weekend. A truth bomb was dropped from a person that I trust with anything that I have, including my perception of myself. For a moment, he held up a picture of how he sees me. At first I discounted it because the message sounded a lot like things that I’ve said to myself before. But he stuck with it and it hit me. He was right in all of the best ways. Not because it was easy to hear but rather the exact opposite. It was hard to hear and the only reason that he was telling me is because he cares for me so much.

So now it’s on me! I’ve been told the hard thing and I know the magnitude of truth that comes with it. I could choose to discount it but that doesn’t serve me. So I need to lean into it. Learn from it and change. Many people in our lives don’t want us to change because they’ve become accustomed to a version of us that makes them feel comfortable. My friend wants the best version of me to show up! Shouldn’t I want the same thing for myself?

Thanks!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Notes from an ice bath

Pete Huryk

This will largely be a stream of consciousness as I am cold and have no time to self edit. Why do I do this? Largely for the health benefits and my knee which swells from time to time after years of soccer and running.

Yes! My toenails are green! I go for pedicures with my daughter once per month. I decided that getting a color was ok. Are you judging me? That’s ok. I love you anyway!

Normally I watch a video of David Goggins talking or something like that. It keeps me distracted from the cold. I decided to go in the opposite direction today and focus on the thoughts running through my head and put them out there into the world. So here it is! I’m cold but calm. I feel myself shivering but then breath and it goes away. My body can handle the cold. I know this because I’ve done this before. We are amazing creatures, humans, we can endure so much but often give into our own weakness because of its convenience or our disbelief.

This year has been hard. It might be the hardest of my life. Given into my own weakness? Yep, at times. Disbelieved my own resilience? Yep, at times. I’ve doubted a lot but I’m still here. Doing what I can to make the best of the now that I have. Trying to be a good example for my children and others. I shiver and shake for sure. Sometimes I cry! Mostly I look for the ways that this is a good thing. I don’t always see them. Overwhelm is part of it! But I breathe! Try not to let moments of weakness stretch out into minutes or hours, it doesn’t serve!

I care and I want to help. I’ve seen through my dating experience how easily things can get misconstrued. We tend to forget other people when emotions are high or we’re worried about being judged. Be resilient! Like all moments, this one will pass and you’ll be faced with the next thing. Time is up! This was fun? I don’t know but I enjoyed it.

Stay cool!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Reading The Signs

Pete Huryk

By no means am I a baseball fan but I attend our local minor league team’s games regularly. It’s an enjoyable activity with a low investment of time, money or attention. The players are not top level professionals. They are a few levels below and hoping to make it there. One of the more interesting things for me about baseball is the signs. Players and managers sending subtle or not so subtle signals to each other in order to be on the same page. Catchers probably send the most signals to the pitcher and do their best to hide them, so the opponents don’t crack the code. Due to the fact that everyone is competing, trying to get that subtle advantage is crucial. Teams need to be in sync and opponents want to take information if they can.

Most of us are not professional athletes nor even aspiring ones. We live relatively independent lives not particularly on teams but in different groups as we make it through our days. Despite the fact that we’re not usually competing, there are still signals all around us. The question is whether or not we see them and use them. Since I’ve recently gone back into the dating world, reading the signals has become even more important. I’ll fully admit that at times, I’m bad at it. Just like in baseball, pitchers and catchers develop a working knowledge of each other and the signals become second nature. In longstanding relationships, the signs can be so subtle that no one else would even notice. However as we meet new people and develop new relationships, “cracking the code” is something that must be done because people do not always say what they’re thinking. A hand over a mouth, folded arms, a slight shift of weight forward or backward can all tell a little something, if you’re looking.

Therein lies the most important factor: the receiver! The messages are out there, being sent. It’s whether or not the information is being received and acted upon. Or are we all just too engrossed in our own stuff or worse the computer in our hand to notice? Your signals won’t always match other people’s. So decoding becomes your job if you care enough to do it. As a species built on community, we need to communicate. Notice how those two words are similar. Do you want to pay attention enough to get the message?

Knock it out of the park today!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Can You Dig It?

Pete Huryk

It definitely didn’t win an Oscar! The Warriors is not that type of movie. It’s a cult classic that was banned for a while. The premise is that all of the gangs in New York City are going to unite in order to take control. This plan is hatched by the leader of the biggest gang, Cyrus. His speech outlining the plan is ended with several repetitions of the question, “Can you dig it?” It’s very late 70’s! Almost everyone in attendance seems like they’re along for the ride except the leader of the Rogues who shoots Cyrus and blames the Warriors. Cyrus had a vision but never got to see it through because he was shot down by a coward with personal agenda. It happens all the time!

Each of us has our own causes to move forward. It’s not usually a gang insurrection of a city. More than likely it’s a smaller scale mission but that doesn’t make it unimportant. Regardless, most of have people taking shots at us anyway. It’s usually not about us or our plans, they just “like doing things like that” as Luther puts it near the end of the film. Killing Cyrus, undermining others and poking holes in plans are much easier than doing something of note. Standing up and putting yourself in the crosshairs of others is not a comfortable place to be but if you believe in what you’re doing, that’s where you need to stand. On a scaffold, yelling “Can you dig it?” Maybe no one else will at first. Perhaps it’s all going to rest on your shoulders because nobody “digs it.” That’s alright! Can you dig it? Enough to be shot at, laughed at, rejected and humiliated because often that’s what it takes. Can you dig it?

If you can, then today is the day to start executing your plan. You don’t need every gang in the city to buy in at first. It needs to start with you! Can you dig it? Don’t try to do it all at once, even Cyrus was going one borough at a time. Can you dig it? Think of a plan that might work and then work that plan! CAN YOU DIG IT? If the answer is no, then no one else will either. So you’d better believe enough for a dozen people or more. Otherwise, no one is showing up to the conclave!

Come out to play-ay!

Pete