Category: self-reliance

Blogpost, self-reliance

Who Has Your Nuke Codes?

Pete Huryk

Next month we are going to go through a presidential transition. Whether you’re happy about the results of the election or not is irrelevant to this post. As the commander in chief, the sitting president has a variety of weapons at his disposal including nuclear weapons. The destructive capabilities of these weapons are so devastating that only the president can order their use. This authority is not given out to everyone in the armed forces.

Usually when I talk about this concept, I use the example of keys. I’ll ask an audience who I would trust with my keys. Answers like wife, friends, siblings, parents are all common. Eventually after we’ve established that I would not trust my keys to just anyone, I relate the keys back to the mind. Who do you trust with the way that you think about yourself? Are you as discerning when choosing the people who can impact your self image? Most of the time, this brings to light some judgment issues. People often given power of influence to strangers, acquaintances or even “enemies.” Although this discussion is one that I think is worthwhile, I wanted to take it to that next level. Who has your “nuke codes”?

The difference here is that nukes have the ability to destroy everything. This goes far beyond the ability to influence. Perhaps the best strategy is never to give these codes to anyone. Keep the pushbuttons that could destroy you hidden away. Never let anyone know that they exist. Pretend like you’re invulnerable. Some people seem to go to the other extreme, giving the power of destruction to everyone and everything.

The best strategy that I’ve been able to come up with is to give them to the people who would never use them. An exchange of codes that allows each side to feel a level of safety but also trust. In real relationships (not nuclear standoffs) the key is vulnerability. It is only when we show our weak underbelly that people can feel that. they really know us. Acting like that weakness doesn’t exist guarantees that no one can get close enough to our reality. On the one hand, that might seem safe because then no one else can hurt us. While that might be true, it also means that the only possible destruction is self-destruction. The gamble comes down to vetting people that you trust with the real you or propping up the walls around you while trying not to hit the button. It’s not as hard of a choice or a task as it seems. Most people aren’t interested in pushing your button, they’re just trying not to push their own.

Go be vulnerable!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Toaster and the Smartphone

Pete Huryk

A toaster is a useful piece of machinery at breakfast time. Its identity is so certain that it bears the name of what it does. A smartphone on the other hand has many functions. It can take calls, search for information, teach you another language and thousands of other things. It’s just horrible at making toast.

My toaster!

There is no shame in being a toaster if you place yourself in the right spot. In fact you can be the most valuable item in the right kitchen. There is also no value to being a smartphone in the wrong environment. A place with no cell towers and no electricity renders this ubiquitous tool inert. It becomes a paperweight or a good skipping stone.

In the end it is not what you can do or what you cannot. The skills that you have need to match the life that you lead or want to lead. So it is up to you to decide. Is your identity the perfect size for your life? If you’re a toaster, then be the best damn toaster ever and find the right kitchen for your output. Don’t envy the smartphone, it can’t do what you can!

Heat things up!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Conviction of Santa Claus

Pete Huryk

Childhood should be a magical time where kids have the ability to believe in certain things. They should be able to believe in their ability to be an astronaut or a cowboy or an astronaut cowboy. Blind faith dwindles as we gain experience. As a child, there was a time where Santa Claus was something that I believed in without any doubt. He was a real person who had semi-magical powers and brought gifts for me and my brothers on Christmas. Now I believe in the concept of Santa Claus but not the man. The man no longer delivers on the promise of my childhood. He does not show up with presents. However the feeling and belief in what is represented is still there. It has morphed into something much more general and less strong. The certainty has been replaced by a version of realism/skepticism.

If a man in a red suit shows up in my house early Christmas morning, he’s more likely to get the business end of a baseball bat than cookies. This reaction is based on thirty five years of non-belief. The question is not whether that momentary reaction is right or not. The true dilemma is how long do I hold onto my “realistic” belief if the evidence is in his favor. Would I bear witness to convict Santa if his story held up? My hope would be no, that I am able to change my beliefs about what is possible based on new information. We should all have this ability. However most of the time, we are not dealing with a court case. We are living moment to moment making gut reactions on beliefs.

The best version of “A Christmas Carol” is the one with George C. Scott in my opinion.

In all likelihood, you’ll not be face to face with Santa in a few days. However you are going to be face to face with yourself often. Although your chances of becoming an astronaut cowboy are pretty slim (see if Elon Musk has a need), there are probably pieces of yourself that were discarded in the past. An optimism and self-belief that you could use in that new endeavor. The child inside of you believed that you could be anything and while some childish things need to be left behind, there is no reason that you can’t mix that sense of possibility with a dash of common sense. Most of the time that youthful spirit inside of you is trying to leave presents under your tree, not rob you of everything that you have. So put down the bat for a moment and see who it is that’s coming down the chimney in your head. Perhaps the ghost of your childish past is going to fill your stocking with something that you desperately need.

Singfish! Wouldn’t that be the opposite of humbug?

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance, SoccerLifeBalance

The Lasso Way: Being You First

Pete Huryk

I am a Ted Lasso super fan. Anyone who has had a conversation longer than ten minutes with me over the past two months has been told to watch the show. Somehow Jason Sudeikis, Brendan Hunt and Bill Lawrence created the perfect TV show for me. At this point, I’ve watched each episode at least five times and I’m probably lowballing that number. Despite my love for the content, I’m not going to just sing the praises of the show. I’m focused on the biggest takeaway from the show.

The outside of my laptop. I’m a little obsessed.

Although it is in essence a sitcom, Ted Lasso works on a variety of levels. Laughs are intermingled with possible tears and new vocabulary. While the origins of the Ted Lasso character come from a commercial where he leads with stupidity, the show’s main character leads with caring and empathy. Despite being out of his depth in his job, he is (usually) unapologetically himself. This is a refreshing characteristic to find. In a world where so many people are in a constant state of posturing for their audience, being yourself seems to be a lost art in many ways. Accepting others seems to almost be easier.

The oddities, faults and curiosities that other people carry can be easily overlooked because “it’s not me.” Unfortunately being ourselves is often difficult because the court of public opinion is open 24/7/365 these days. It can be exhausting to maintain a public persona that is different from who you truly are. This tactic also erodes self-esteem over time because it’s hard to “esteem” someone that you’re hiding from the world.

Now this is not an excuse to have an Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club moment and dump your metaphorical purse into the world’s lap. It is however a call to feel comfortable in your own skin. Live in at least a mental existence where who you are is OK. Then share that person that you most want to be with your world first. Your world is not the world. It’s the people that you love and trust. By doing those experiments at home first, you’ll get a sense of how you come across to other people. Again this is not a call for no filters but rather a bit more honesty. One of my favorite public figures, Tom Bilyeu, admits quite openly that he wants to be a Jedi. Not a lightsaber wielding spaceman but an influencer of people’s minds. That idea or dream of being something outside of the norm is uncomfortable for most of us. However admitting who we are, what we want and how important things are to us is a crucial piece of our development as people. Otherwise we’re a dancer in a Gap commercial. Not dancing for joy but because it’s a job. Not wearing khakis because we love them because that’s the costume.

So here is my public admission. I want to be the team psychologist for Peterborough United. The ridiculousness of this aspiration is not lost upon me. At the moment, I don’t have any of the credentials that a team might require. I’m an American who has mainly coached at the high school and college level. Much like Ted Lasso, I may be in over my head for that job. That doesn’t mean that I need to give up or apologize or lie about my desire to other people or especially myself. Perhaps I’m a fool to believe in this dream but I’d rather be the star in my own sitcom where I’m the butt of many jokes rather than a background character in a Gap commercial where I’m indistinguishable from anyone else.

So start inside your own head. Get comfortable in that skin of yours. It’s not going anywhere and neither are the basics of who you are. You’re not a background dancer. You’re a star! Shine for the people around you!

Be you!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

A Bundle of Twigs

Pete Huryk

Winter has mostly descended on Virginia. So our fireplace has gotten a fair amount of use recently. Although the TV will try to sell us all on the idea that a single log can burn for hours on end with the perfect flame, it’s just not true. This type of false fire advertising leads to people buying fake logs from the store because the shame of not being able to build the perfect fire is too much too bear. Obviously I’m being ridiculous now but there is a disconnect between an effective fire and starting a fire. Big logs are not the start of a quality fire. They come later. The beginnings of any great (non cheating) fire is a bunch of twigs. Once they catch, it is relatively easy to add slightly larger pieces until the log is ablaze. The fact that we rarely have to build a fire anymore creates a disconnect with natural order of the world.

Twigs, sticks and logs were all harmed in the taking of this photo!

In our own lives with American Idol and get rich quick schemes, it is easy to forget that most things that we want to build only require twigs at first. The idea of making a million dollars should be preceded by making a dollar then another. Twigs are everywhere and we overlook them in our lives because we want the blazing fire now. Each of us needs to realize that the big logs or dreams are never going to self-combust. They each need those little twigs or actions to get things started. There is a certain amount of pride that needs to be taken in finding the twigs and small branches to add to the fire. Being smart about not adding the big log too early because the pressure will only snuff out the small flame.

Although it’s possible for a person to become obsessed with their small fire based on twigs, I’ve found that more people are sitting in the dark with their big log and magnifying glass hoping. These pieces could all work at some point but their combination just doesn’t. Knowing where you are in the process and what you need to get the next stage of the fire going is crucial. Your blaze is coming if you build it up right!

Find those twigs!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance, SoccerLifeBalance

Formation Isn’t Everything

Pete Huryk

Having grown up in the relative infancy of soccer in the US, the information that I had about the game came directly from my coaches. Soccer was not readily available on TV like it is today. Therefore the switch from a 2-3-5 to a 4-4-2 seemed less like a change in tactics and more like a change in coaches or seasons. As the game has progressed over the past few decades, there are more formations available than ever. Players and coaches have their preferences on how to organize their teams. The function of a formation is not to directly solve problems. It is to provide a structure of standard operating procedures for a team. Therefore players can recognize patterns and hopefully create openings within their opponents defense. While this is a completely necessary portion of a team’s strategy, it does not solve all problems nor does it always represent the best use of talent.

While none of us is running a “4-4-2 life,” it is important to have some form of organization to the way that you attack your day. Leaving things up to chance is a great way to end up getting nothing meaningful done. Coaches will generally have two or possibly three formations that they will use in order to attack a particular opponent’s weaknesses. This is probably a helpful guiding principle for organizing your days. In general you want to have in mind whether you are attacking the day or defending in order to counter. If you look at each activity that you do as a player, then how have you aligned yourself. Are you completely defensive? Only doing the things that protect the status quo that you’ve set up for yourself. Or are you mainly offensive? Using all of your time to move yourself forward in some way: financially, socially, mentally, spiritually or in your career. The way that you allot your time is going to tell you something about intentions. Are you actually playing the game that you want to be? Are you trying to win it or hoping not to lose? Is your formation completely dependent upon your “opponent”?

Just like in the game, formations are necessary for organization and strategy but what happens in transition is usually the difference between winning and losing. The way that a team deals with things when their plans fall apart is crucial to their overall success. Those moments in between all of the planned activities. How are they spent? If you’ve invested time and effort into working out but then undercut that forward motion by snacking in transition, your formation becomes almost meaningless. While some people might use this as an excuse for more organization and formation, my preference is toward principles and defining goals.

In a game of soccer, the goal is always the same. However in life, our goals can cover a wide range of possibilities. At any given moment, I would try to limit yourself to three unless you have more that can truly coexist without interfering with one another. Build your principles around the goals that you have for yourself. If your major goal revolves around health and fitness, then set up principles that align with your desired outcome. Decide what you are going to do in chaotic situations before they come up. By developing principles ahead of time, it is less likely that a chaotic moment will devolve into negative consequences. Life is a game that you can win with the right formation and principles about how to deal with transition. Set yourself up and then ATTACK! Or defend, it’s really up to you!

Make a great day!

Pete

Many people refer to soccer as a “religion” and while I see where they are coming from, I use it as a metaphor for life. It can be used in a variety of ways to bring clarity to a world that can be difficult to traverse. My co-author and I are working on a book that uses soccer to explain person finance. If you’re interested in getting details as the project develops, sign up below.

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Blogpost, self-reliance

You’re a Mistake and That’s OK

Pete Huryk

My original major in college was mathematics. The intention was that I would be a high school Algebra teacher. This plan was going along fine until I hit a class called Discreet Math. If you didn’t study math intensively, the idea behind Discreet Math is to take any mathematical belief that we have and check to make sure that it works in all cases. Sexy right? I was doing horribly in Discreet Math by the time of the final. On the day of the final, our professor gave us a print out of our grades thus far. Despite my poor performance in this class, my basic math skills were still pretty good. I figured out that I needed to get a 101% on the final exam in order to pass the class. So I walked out of the final. In the end, the professor curved the final grades and I was only person who failed the class. Not my proudest moment but also a necessary part of the evolution of the version of me that exists today.

We all make them at one point or another: mistakes, mess ups, goofs, f%$# ups, etc. No matter what you call them, they are a mismatch between intention and result. While school and game shows may have taught us that mistakes should be avoided at all costs, we are all a product of more mistakes than can be counted. Even you, no matter who you are, represent a plethora of mistakes but still you persist. In fact, you probably even like the outcome of many of the errors that have formed who you are. Whether your parents intended to make you feel loved, so they showered you with praise. That in turn made you feel like a loser when the world didn’t see how great you are. No matter if the mistakes were yours or the repercussions just landed upon you, mistakes are the strings that weave us together into people. Almost nothing ever goes exactly to plan.

Since perfection is most likely off the table, maybe it’s time to go for that thing that you’ve been putting off. That project or adventure that you’ve had inside of your head for a long time. It’s never been the perfect time to start. Well maybe that’s exactly when you need to start because no matter what, it will never be perfect. Mistakes are going to line your path the entire way, so let it go. Or better yet, let yourself go and recognize that the pillow of perfection is not where you’re going to land. Even if you do end up in heap, you can pick yourself back up and go again. It. was just a mistake!

Go make some!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Only Story That Matters

Pete Huryk

My elementary school gym teacher used to refer to me as “Pistol Pete.” “Pistol” Pete Maravich was a professional basketball player in the 1970’s. Since I only attended that school from 1980-1986, there is no way for my teacher to know the negative connotation to the moniker. Despite being one of the best ball handlers in the NBA during his career, Pistol Pete’s career only lasted ten years. In addition to having a short career, he also lived a short life. He passed away at the age of 40 from a sudden heart attack. While those two facts are disheartening enough, the most shocking thing is that he wrote that script in 1974. During an interview, he told the reporter “I don’t want to play 10 years in the NBA and die of a heart attack at age 40.” Unfortunately that’s exactly what happened.

Am I suggesting that his fears ended his career and eventually killed him? Not particularly. The comment could have been made without much thought and he didn’t ever think of it again. I don’t know the inner workings of that Pistol Pete’s mind. However I do know without a doubt the power of our brains and the importance of the stories that we tell ourselves.

Every day is another page in the script of your life. You’re writing the script and acting out the story at the same time. Often the action and the writing happen almost simultaneously. However the big decisions are truly up to you. Who is your character? How does she/he react to times of trouble, drama or adventure? What are the big story arcs? Are you the star of your own story or have you relegated yourself to a background character in someone else’s story?

No matter the answers to these questions. You are now aware that you are telling the only story that matters. The one that you have about yourself inside of your own head. That is the starting place for everything that you do in your life. Tell yourself the story of the life that you want to live and do it every day inside of your head. Then slowly but surely blur the lines between the story in your head and the story in your life. If you want a better life, give your character better lines and better actions. Eventually you’ll be the star of your own story. Don’t write the ending right now though. That will eventually take care of itself. Put some major action into the script today!

ACTION!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Right Kind of Fight

Pete Huryk

When my grandfather was a young man, he got into a fight at a softball game. It wasn’t a league or anything, just a friendly game where the two teams agreed that the losers would pay for the keg of beer. The odd thing about the situation was that he didn’t get into a fight with someone from the other team. He got into a fight with someone on his own team, for not trying hard enough. A lot has changed since my grandfather was a young man and I’m not a fan of fighting but this story has always stuck with me.

The kids that I encounter today have the term “try hard” for someone who puts out excessive effort in a situation. While I understand the desire for someone not to go too far in a situation that doesn’t call for it, I feel that the term weakens the “intensity muscle.” The social stigma of caring too much may have gone too far in the wrong direction. Balance is needed of course but much like the chastising of “nerds” was stupid, this might be worse. Putting someone down for being a “nerd” was an idiotic way for less intelligent people to shame the smart. As foolish as this was, the insult of “try hard” is probably more dangerous because it can be used much more pervasively. It is not just one group who fall victim to it but anyone can.

So I beg of you! Try hard! Try the absolute best that you can! You only get one shot at each day of your life. The thought that you might come up short because you were shamed into giving half effort is a scary proposition. That shame is only coming your way because the critics are afraid to try and fail. So leave it all out there on the field or my grandfather is going to kick your ass!

Go get ’em!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Most Likely, You’re the Only One Keeping Score

Pete Huryk

Today we have more data than we ever have before. The number of hours on your cellphone is measurable. Your number of followers on Instagram. The amount of birthday wishes that you got on Facebook. And the number of reads that I get for this blogpost. All of these things can be quantified. The question becomes whether or not it matters. Whether we want more or less of something, does the number itself matter?

The numbers only matter when they align with who you want to be as a person. So make sure that you’re measuring the right thing. If you value the impact that you have on people’s lives, don’t judge yourself by your bank statements. Set up the game in a way that you can win. No one is keeping score except for you. Your parents probably love you no matter how many followers you have. That adversary will never respect you no matter how much money you have. So set up a game that aligns with your vision for yourself. Just because likes, follows, money and stocks are common measurements, doesn’t mean that you have to use them.

There is so much more to this world! You can use laughs, thank you’s, hugs (after Covid), smiles, replies, questions or any other metric you choose. The common currency is just that, common! People who are doing exceptional things are most likely not using the common metrics.

If no one else is keeping score for you, how are you keeping score for yourself? It’s your game whether you realize it or not. So play it based on your rules, not the ones that are popular right now. Twenty years ago followers didn’t exist the way they do now and in another twenty, they’ll probably be gone. However you will persist. How will you keep score then? Maybe the time to decide that is now, so you’ll be way ahead.

Run up the score in your game!

Pete