Category: self-reliance

Blogpost, self-reliance

A Bundle of Twigs

Pete Huryk

Winter has mostly descended on Virginia. So our fireplace has gotten a fair amount of use recently. Although the TV will try to sell us all on the idea that a single log can burn for hours on end with the perfect flame, it’s just not true. This type of false fire advertising leads to people buying fake logs from the store because the shame of not being able to build the perfect fire is too much too bear. Obviously I’m being ridiculous now but there is a disconnect between an effective fire and starting a fire. Big logs are not the start of a quality fire. They come later. The beginnings of any great (non cheating) fire is a bunch of twigs. Once they catch, it is relatively easy to add slightly larger pieces until the log is ablaze. The fact that we rarely have to build a fire anymore creates a disconnect with natural order of the world.

Twigs, sticks and logs were all harmed in the taking of this photo!

In our own lives with American Idol and get rich quick schemes, it is easy to forget that most things that we want to build only require twigs at first. The idea of making a million dollars should be preceded by making a dollar then another. Twigs are everywhere and we overlook them in our lives because we want the blazing fire now. Each of us needs to realize that the big logs or dreams are never going to self-combust. They each need those little twigs or actions to get things started. There is a certain amount of pride that needs to be taken in finding the twigs and small branches to add to the fire. Being smart about not adding the big log too early because the pressure will only snuff out the small flame.

Although it’s possible for a person to become obsessed with their small fire based on twigs, I’ve found that more people are sitting in the dark with their big log and magnifying glass hoping. These pieces could all work at some point but their combination just doesn’t. Knowing where you are in the process and what you need to get the next stage of the fire going is crucial. Your blaze is coming if you build it up right!

Find those twigs!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance, SoccerLifeBalance

Formation Isn’t Everything

Pete Huryk

Having grown up in the relative infancy of soccer in the US, the information that I had about the game came directly from my coaches. Soccer was not readily available on TV like it is today. Therefore the switch from a 2-3-5 to a 4-4-2 seemed less like a change in tactics and more like a change in coaches or seasons. As the game has progressed over the past few decades, there are more formations available than ever. Players and coaches have their preferences on how to organize their teams. The function of a formation is not to directly solve problems. It is to provide a structure of standard operating procedures for a team. Therefore players can recognize patterns and hopefully create openings within their opponents defense. While this is a completely necessary portion of a team’s strategy, it does not solve all problems nor does it always represent the best use of talent.

While none of us is running a “4-4-2 life,” it is important to have some form of organization to the way that you attack your day. Leaving things up to chance is a great way to end up getting nothing meaningful done. Coaches will generally have two or possibly three formations that they will use in order to attack a particular opponent’s weaknesses. This is probably a helpful guiding principle for organizing your days. In general you want to have in mind whether you are attacking the day or defending in order to counter. If you look at each activity that you do as a player, then how have you aligned yourself. Are you completely defensive? Only doing the things that protect the status quo that you’ve set up for yourself. Or are you mainly offensive? Using all of your time to move yourself forward in some way: financially, socially, mentally, spiritually or in your career. The way that you allot your time is going to tell you something about intentions. Are you actually playing the game that you want to be? Are you trying to win it or hoping not to lose? Is your formation completely dependent upon your “opponent”?

Just like in the game, formations are necessary for organization and strategy but what happens in transition is usually the difference between winning and losing. The way that a team deals with things when their plans fall apart is crucial to their overall success. Those moments in between all of the planned activities. How are they spent? If you’ve invested time and effort into working out but then undercut that forward motion by snacking in transition, your formation becomes almost meaningless. While some people might use this as an excuse for more organization and formation, my preference is toward principles and defining goals.

In a game of soccer, the goal is always the same. However in life, our goals can cover a wide range of possibilities. At any given moment, I would try to limit yourself to three unless you have more that can truly coexist without interfering with one another. Build your principles around the goals that you have for yourself. If your major goal revolves around health and fitness, then set up principles that align with your desired outcome. Decide what you are going to do in chaotic situations before they come up. By developing principles ahead of time, it is less likely that a chaotic moment will devolve into negative consequences. Life is a game that you can win with the right formation and principles about how to deal with transition. Set yourself up and then ATTACK! Or defend, it’s really up to you!

Make a great day!

Pete

Many people refer to soccer as a “religion” and while I see where they are coming from, I use it as a metaphor for life. It can be used in a variety of ways to bring clarity to a world that can be difficult to traverse. My co-author and I are working on a book that uses soccer to explain person finance. If you’re interested in getting details as the project develops, sign up below.

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Blogpost, self-reliance

You’re a Mistake and That’s OK

Pete Huryk

My original major in college was mathematics. The intention was that I would be a high school Algebra teacher. This plan was going along fine until I hit a class called Discreet Math. If you didn’t study math intensively, the idea behind Discreet Math is to take any mathematical belief that we have and check to make sure that it works in all cases. Sexy right? I was doing horribly in Discreet Math by the time of the final. On the day of the final, our professor gave us a print out of our grades thus far. Despite my poor performance in this class, my basic math skills were still pretty good. I figured out that I needed to get a 101% on the final exam in order to pass the class. So I walked out of the final. In the end, the professor curved the final grades and I was only person who failed the class. Not my proudest moment but also a necessary part of the evolution of the version of me that exists today.

We all make them at one point or another: mistakes, mess ups, goofs, f%$# ups, etc. No matter what you call them, they are a mismatch between intention and result. While school and game shows may have taught us that mistakes should be avoided at all costs, we are all a product of more mistakes than can be counted. Even you, no matter who you are, represent a plethora of mistakes but still you persist. In fact, you probably even like the outcome of many of the errors that have formed who you are. Whether your parents intended to make you feel loved, so they showered you with praise. That in turn made you feel like a loser when the world didn’t see how great you are. No matter if the mistakes were yours or the repercussions just landed upon you, mistakes are the strings that weave us together into people. Almost nothing ever goes exactly to plan.

Since perfection is most likely off the table, maybe it’s time to go for that thing that you’ve been putting off. That project or adventure that you’ve had inside of your head for a long time. It’s never been the perfect time to start. Well maybe that’s exactly when you need to start because no matter what, it will never be perfect. Mistakes are going to line your path the entire way, so let it go. Or better yet, let yourself go and recognize that the pillow of perfection is not where you’re going to land. Even if you do end up in heap, you can pick yourself back up and go again. It. was just a mistake!

Go make some!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Only Story That Matters

Pete Huryk

My elementary school gym teacher used to refer to me as “Pistol Pete.” “Pistol” Pete Maravich was a professional basketball player in the 1970’s. Since I only attended that school from 1980-1986, there is no way for my teacher to know the negative connotation to the moniker. Despite being one of the best ball handlers in the NBA during his career, Pistol Pete’s career only lasted ten years. In addition to having a short career, he also lived a short life. He passed away at the age of 40 from a sudden heart attack. While those two facts are disheartening enough, the most shocking thing is that he wrote that script in 1974. During an interview, he told the reporter “I don’t want to play 10 years in the NBA and die of a heart attack at age 40.” Unfortunately that’s exactly what happened.

Am I suggesting that his fears ended his career and eventually killed him? Not particularly. The comment could have been made without much thought and he didn’t ever think of it again. I don’t know the inner workings of that Pistol Pete’s mind. However I do know without a doubt the power of our brains and the importance of the stories that we tell ourselves.

Every day is another page in the script of your life. You’re writing the script and acting out the story at the same time. Often the action and the writing happen almost simultaneously. However the big decisions are truly up to you. Who is your character? How does she/he react to times of trouble, drama or adventure? What are the big story arcs? Are you the star of your own story or have you relegated yourself to a background character in someone else’s story?

No matter the answers to these questions. You are now aware that you are telling the only story that matters. The one that you have about yourself inside of your own head. That is the starting place for everything that you do in your life. Tell yourself the story of the life that you want to live and do it every day inside of your head. Then slowly but surely blur the lines between the story in your head and the story in your life. If you want a better life, give your character better lines and better actions. Eventually you’ll be the star of your own story. Don’t write the ending right now though. That will eventually take care of itself. Put some major action into the script today!

ACTION!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Right Kind of Fight

Pete Huryk

When my grandfather was a young man, he got into a fight at a softball game. It wasn’t a league or anything, just a friendly game where the two teams agreed that the losers would pay for the keg of beer. The odd thing about the situation was that he didn’t get into a fight with someone from the other team. He got into a fight with someone on his own team, for not trying hard enough. A lot has changed since my grandfather was a young man and I’m not a fan of fighting but this story has always stuck with me.

The kids that I encounter today have the term “try hard” for someone who puts out excessive effort in a situation. While I understand the desire for someone not to go too far in a situation that doesn’t call for it, I feel that the term weakens the “intensity muscle.” The social stigma of caring too much may have gone too far in the wrong direction. Balance is needed of course but much like the chastising of “nerds” was stupid, this might be worse. Putting someone down for being a “nerd” was an idiotic way for less intelligent people to shame the smart. As foolish as this was, the insult of “try hard” is probably more dangerous because it can be used much more pervasively. It is not just one group who fall victim to it but anyone can.

So I beg of you! Try hard! Try the absolute best that you can! You only get one shot at each day of your life. The thought that you might come up short because you were shamed into giving half effort is a scary proposition. That shame is only coming your way because the critics are afraid to try and fail. So leave it all out there on the field or my grandfather is going to kick your ass!

Go get ’em!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Most Likely, You’re the Only One Keeping Score

Pete Huryk

Today we have more data than we ever have before. The number of hours on your cellphone is measurable. Your number of followers on Instagram. The amount of birthday wishes that you got on Facebook. And the number of reads that I get for this blogpost. All of these things can be quantified. The question becomes whether or not it matters. Whether we want more or less of something, does the number itself matter?

The numbers only matter when they align with who you want to be as a person. So make sure that you’re measuring the right thing. If you value the impact that you have on people’s lives, don’t judge yourself by your bank statements. Set up the game in a way that you can win. No one is keeping score except for you. Your parents probably love you no matter how many followers you have. That adversary will never respect you no matter how much money you have. So set up a game that aligns with your vision for yourself. Just because likes, follows, money and stocks are common measurements, doesn’t mean that you have to use them.

There is so much more to this world! You can use laughs, thank you’s, hugs (after Covid), smiles, replies, questions or any other metric you choose. The common currency is just that, common! People who are doing exceptional things are most likely not using the common metrics.

If no one else is keeping score for you, how are you keeping score for yourself? It’s your game whether you realize it or not. So play it based on your rules, not the ones that are popular right now. Twenty years ago followers didn’t exist the way they do now and in another twenty, they’ll probably be gone. However you will persist. How will you keep score then? Maybe the time to decide that is now, so you’ll be way ahead.

Run up the score in your game!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance, SoccerLifeBalance

Climbing the Pyramid with a Parachute

Pete Huryk

It was a true pleasure to watch the US Men’s National Team dismantle El Salvador last night in their match. Although the game was a friendly and El Salvador was not at full strength, this is the type of result that one would expect from a sport obsessed nation when competing against a country one fiftieth its size. As Iceland has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt, population is not truly relevant when judging a footballing nation. However the numbers simply provide a context for the available talent pool. Even with the competition from the other major US sports, more people play soccer in the US than the entire population of El Salvador. Seeing a tangible result to all of the shifts in US soccer over the past decade was refreshing. Despite my joy in seeing the young squad of US player, it has made me think about the collateral damage of a system that needs to cast aside over 99% of individuals to find those special few.

The US soccer pyramid is not truly a pyramid as it has several dysfunctions and offshoots. However due to the lack of a better term, we’ll refer to it as a pyramid. The structure itself is not completely relevant to the discussion.

The collateral damage that I am referring to is not unique to the US, nor is it new. A youth player from the Manchester City academy committed suicide earlier this year. This is the most extreme example of the ways in which young players can be affected by their fall from the soccer pyramid. Every year young players and old are given their release from a club. Sometimes it is simply a move to a different club or different level. Unfortunately when the ultimate decision is made that a player is no longer “good enough” at their particular level of the soccer pyramid, the fall can be devastating if they are not prepared.

In the United States, the academy system is in its relative infancy compared to the rest of the world. The college system used to be the route to the professional game and with it came an education which served as a “back up plan.” Even with that “back up plan” in place, I’m not sure that it deals with the most pressing issue. A player who has devoted over a decade to the dream of “making it” in soccer (however they would define it) needs to have the psychological tools to deal with that disappointment. A parachute can be a literal lifesaver when falling from high heights but it needs to be strapped on tight before the fall.

The following items are some suggestions that can be packed into the psychological parachute for players in case they fall off the pyramid.

  • A diversified identity – Although we are all only one person, we tend to have different roles that we play within our lives. A person with a singular focus like professional athletics can tend to have tunnel vision on that identity. Developing other aspects of one’s life can not only help in the case of a fall but also allow for the release of pressure during their career. Although this identity includes how the individual interacts with the outside world, it is also extremely important that he/she recognize these other identities inside of his/her own mind. The trauma of losing a part of one’s life is much worse if it is the only part that mattered. That void will need to be filled with something and the easiest things to fill a void with are usually destructive.
  • Quality self-talk – There are many ways that this could be characterized but the heart of the issue is that there is only one person that we spend our entire life with: ourselves. Therefore it is extremely important that we make that person who is living inside of our own heads a friend. Learning how to communicate effectively with yourself is crucial to the building and maintenance of self-esteem. For some reason it seems to me that “esteem” gets overshadowed in that compound word. Esteem is a pretty lofty opinion of someone. It should be something that we can bestow onto ourselves with our words and actions.
  • Quality relationships – Again this is something that needs to be packed in the parachute before the fall. People are less likely to help when they feel that they are being used. Friends and family are key components to our psychological well being. The bonds that we have with the people that we value in our lives releases oxytocin which lowers stress (cortisol) and inhibits addiction. If these types of relationships are not well in place before falling from the pyramid, the stress of “not knowing who to trust” can exacerbate an already difficult situation.
  • Physiological hooks – The body is an amazing antidote to most things that ail the mind. While my hope would be that a player of high caliber would understand how to change her/his state for games or practices, it may be less evident to use these tools when “the walls have tumbled down.” Disappointment, embarrassment, depression and a host of other emotional states may be easier to fall into after the end of a career. Recognizing the control that each of us has over our emotional state through our posture, habitual movements, facial expressions and others is a skill that every individual should develop. This is not a sports skill. It’s a life skill! Creating our emotional state is our job because when it is left up to the world, we are bound to be disappointed by the outcome.

This list is far from exhaustive. However it does begin the conversation about the psychological tools that we all should develop. In this hyper-intense world of high level soccer, it is easy to be so focused on a singular outcome that these tools do not get developed. Unlike the college education which was viewed as a “back up plan,” psychological well being should be THE PLAN for all of us in order to make our journey through life an enjoyable one.

Go pack your chute!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Money Pit

Pete Huryk

Before Tom Hanks was an award winning actor, he played leading roles in several quirky comedies. Movies like Bachelor Party, Dragnet and The Money Pit were not the cinematic triumphs that a modern audience expect from him. However they (and TV shows like Bosom Buddies) were a proving ground for him to hone his craft. The reason that I bring up The Money Pit is that it’s not a great movie but it illustrates the point.

The Money Pit stars Tom Hanks and Shelley Long. They play a couple who decide to buy a house together. After buying the house, it quickly falls apart.The house falling apart is only one of the problems. A construction company is brought in to fix the problems. Tom’s character is told that it will take “two weeks” to make all of the repairs. Months later as he and Shelley’s character move closer toward a breakup, the house is a dumpster fire. Tom is asked by a variety of people if they are “testing missiles” at the house. In the end, it all comes together. The house and his relationship are both fixed by the end of the movie.

This movie is the story of any big endeavor. At the beginning, everything looks like its going to be great. Progressively though, challenges keep on surfacing. The promise of quick results is obviously a lie but you want to believe it. After months or possibly years of trials and tribulation, you have gained traction. The one issue is that you’re not guaranteed the happy ending. The struggle is the only thing that you can count on.

Tom Hanks starred in the Money Pit at the start of his career. It wasn’t destined that he was going to be the actor that we know today. He had to continue to show up in movies and TV shows, getting incrementally better. All of his movies are not box office hits, there are many duds in there. However we see these types of people and because we don’t see the struggle, we assume it was easy for them. It’s almost never easy for anyone! We all fall into the pit (money or otherwise) at some point. The question is whether or not we stay there.

Jump in!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Lies You Tell… Yourself

Pete Huryk

It’s something that we all do at one time or another. Whether it is about that New Year’s resolution that you’re going to keep this year or something much deeper, our lives are lived from a particular point of view. Therefore when compared to the objective 100% truth, there are many times where we’re lying to ourselves.

When I looked up synonyms for the word lie, there is fib, fabrication, deception, falsification, invention, fiction, exaggeration, misinformation and the list goes on. This list gives many different levels of untruth to employ. So many shades of grey where the truth and the lie could easily be mistaken for one another. I’ll leave that middle ground up to you.

The lie that I want you to tell yourself is about that thing that is in the center of your being. That goal, desire or objective that you’re afraid to say out-loud because just the mention of it put tingles up your spine. The most naked truth about who it is that you want to be and I want you to tell yourself that it is going to happen. Not in some magical or mystical Disney movie type of way. Tell yourself that it is going to happen and that you need to make it happen through possibly years of slog and failure. But in the end you will get what it is that you’re looking for. Take a moment and with no regret, falsify, fabricate, deceive yourself into believing that it has to happen.

Then decide. Decide if the life that you live right now is any more satisfying than the lie. If it isn’t then it’s time to get to work. Every single person, who has done something great, had to make this type of decision. Greatness does not spring out of sensibility. It comes from being unreasonable. No matter if the entire world is telling you that you can’t do it, stand up tall with a straight face and say “I can!” Just recognize the fact that until you do, you’re a liar. And that’s ok!

Your pants are on fire!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Don’t Read the Directions

Pete Huryk

I’m pretty positive that I’ve never read the directions to a video game before I played it. The closest that I would have come would be Halo, where you have to go through the tutorial first, which was fine. As a kid growing up in the 80s, you would start to play and figure it out. From time to time, a friend would give a piece of information that would help you to beat a level. However it was basically all trial and error before you had infinite lives and cheat codes. Despite the fact that I’m going into my 45th* year on this planet, I’m going to hold to my childhood ethos of not reading the directions with one exception. Write your directions and read those!

As per usual, I’m not talking video games anymore. We should all get into the trial and error ethos for parts of our lives. However eventually, you pick up a nugget of truth that you should act on regularly but you don’t. The reason that you don’t is because you get distracted by one thing or another. In today’s world, distraction is almost a way of life. So writing down your own directions is not just a good idea, it’s probably 100% necessary.

Here are some questions that you may want to answer about your character as he or she heads out on the adventure.

  • What is valuable to you? To Mario, it’s coins, mushrooms, flowers, etc. A green mushroom is worth 100 coins and if you don’t know that, then you’re not paying attention.
  • What is your power? Pac Man could eat dot and ghost like no ones business. Little Mac was a little boxer with big dreams.
  • How do you get more life or power? Link had to collect hearts to stay alive and got containers to hold more.
  • What drains your life or power? If you are stuck in the video game mindset, now is the time to switch over. The things that drain you are important to identify. They could be hiding inside of a daily habit.

Those questions do not represent everything that you should consider but it is a start. Life may not always feel like a game but many parts of it work that way. At bare minimum, it may be helpful to identify how you can win on a daily basis. If you’ve been sold on a system that has you losing more often then you win, it is time to reprogram!

Power up!

Pete

*I officially declared myself a Martian a few years back. So according Martian years, I am 23 years old, turning 24 in 63 days.