So many things in our lives come down to balance. Although we need water to live, too much can be problematic with either straight up drowning or other issues. Everything has its correct dose. More isn’t always better. And the positive ingredient can become poisonous when it is allowed to dominate the mixture.
With humans, it’s often a difficult equation to balance. The number of varied components in the human animal make us an almost impossible equation to balance. Despite that fact we must try, tweak and attempt to find a balance, it’s not coming easily. Often it’s degrees of imbalance that we feel rather than anything resembling balance. Since the right answer isn’t coming easily, maybe we just need to recognize when we’ve got it majorly wrong!
I’m speaking metaphorically, so hopefully I won’t upset anyone but I think we need to be punched in the face more! The PF and PB ratio is the comparison of how many times someone is “punched in the face” rather than “patted on the back” by life! The ratio isn’t particularly intended to be in balance. In fact most of the time; it won’t be. However, the equation seems to have gotten way out of balance. People have take so many sharp edges off of life and it seems as though no one expects to be “punched in the face” metaphorically by life anymore. People are looking to be celebrated for their minuscule contributions. It’s not that they never should be, it’s a balance!
So! What if we started to embrace the fact again that PFs are coming our way and that’s alright. They’re not the only thing that is on the horizon! However they are a necessary part of the equation so that we can eventually get more PBs. The problem is that PBs don’t come for free. Yet somehow people think they should. PFs aren’t the only way to “earn” PBs but they often correlate.
So if you’re getting “punched in the face” by life, do your best to make it through the onslaught with your head held high. The pats on the back are coming at some point. They just don’t come exactly when we want them!
It doesn’t compute at first for most people! In fact it is sometimes denied forcefully. People have gotten very comfortable with the idea that fear is a negative. Something to be avoided at all cost. While I’ll grant anyone the fact that fear doesn’t feel good, it’s not a 100% negative emotion. It’s actually one of our most important compasses. We’d truly be nothing without it and if used intelligently, its benefits are limitless.
So just think where we’d be today if it wasn’t for fear? Extinct! Our ancestors would have been petting sabertooth tigers left and right until the human race was gone. I’m sure most people would grant me that one. It’s a device to avoid pain or death. Slightly positive, sure! But it definitely doesn’t feel good in the moment. No doubt! A pit in your stomach, sweaty palms, increased heart rate… if you take away the negative connotation, it sound almost exactly like or at least the next door neighbor of EXCITEMENT! The difference is that fear carries disposition toward a negative outcome. What if you were able to change that slightly to a recognition? See the possible negative outcome but put it off to the side a bit and make room for the positive as well. After all, fear is just a signal that you care and there are stakes. We’ve taken too many of the edges off of life. “Our deepest fears are like dragons, guarding our deepest treasures.” -Rilke. Fear is a barrier that we must get through in order to realize our desires. If the thing that you’re chasing doesn’t carry some fear with it, aren’t you playing it safe then?
Perhaps I’ve convinced you! Perhaps not! But fear isn’t going anywhere! It is here to stay. The question becomes: what will be your relationship with it? Will you run from it? Hide from it? Or dance with it? Hear the signal that it’s giving you! This thing on the other side of fear, means something to you. If it’s a sabertooth tiger, by all means, RUN LIKE HELL! If it’s a job opportunity, a beautiful woman, handsome man, a goal, or whatever else; consider leaning into the fear because it’s a positive emotion!
The only thing we have to fear is not fear itself but inaction due to fear. That’s where real tragedy comes!
The periodic table is organized in such a way that similar acting elements are grouped together. The Noble gases are put together because of their structure and common reluctance to react. More reactive elements are also grouped together to bring order to the basic components that make up this world. Scientists can put elements together, be confident about what will happen and the final result. Humans are far less predictable!
While we can be characterized in a variety of ways, it is almost impossible to predict how we will react in any given combination with others. Personality tests, ancestral background, love languages, communication styles and so many more components can be studied and quantified. Yet there is no certainty about anything that will result from human interaction. From my own life, I’ve had horrible relations with people who “on paper” should be my best friend. Then at the other end of the spectrum, I’ve felt closest to people who were vastly different, almost my antithesis. So, how do we exist in a world that is filled with such unpredictable creatures?
We pay attention, learn, try to understand and repeat. None of us is perfect! We’re bound to mess up from time to time. Even the most consistent people are going to have an off day. They are going to fuck up! We’re all flawed! Yet those flaws are often what make us beautiful. It proves that we are human. I’m sure that robots and angels exist with a consistency that we all think that we aspire to have. Yet I truly believe that the human element is crucial to a meaningful life. It’s where love and loss coalesce into equally important life experiences because they are not programmed. They’re human! Maybe it would be easier if there was an algorithm that put us together with the people that were best suited for us (eHarmony claims to have it). Yet there is something about this imperfect chemistry experiment that makes it feel worthwhile.
I’m kind of fed up at this point! Recently, the C word seems to be everywhere. Mainly I’m worried about kids using it. Language patterns can be tough to break and they impact the way that we think. Repeatedly using a word that’s detrimental to our psyche can easily slip past the radar if “everyone is doing it!” I get it! Kids have foul mouths at times. They drop an F-bomb here or there. No problem! But why in the f#$&ing H double hockey sticks does anyone need to even say the most damaging four letter word of them all? CAN’T
It hurts me even to put that deplorable word onto the screen! Hopefully my mother doesn’t read this!
Of course, I’m being a little ridiculous about this. Can’t isn’t a traditional curse word. You won’t get sent to the principal’s office for saying it. However, it hurts me when I hear it used so easily surrounding actions that are quite simple and possible for the individual. Somehow, we’ve become enamored with our limits rather than our possibilities. And those limits aren’t based in reality! They’re some arbitrary construction that has been thrown up due to a small amount of difficulty.
Struggle, challenge, and difficulty are all reasonable train stations to get off at before reaching the last stop of CAN’T! Life is not that binary. If we treated more pursuits like toddlers do walking, we’d all be slightly better off. Cutting off future success due to a few stumbles is foolish enough that even babies know better than to do it. Or perhaps giving up is a learned trait that we need to stop teaching!
Watch your mouth today because your brain is listening!
It’s an extremely selfish concept at face value. Putting yourself before everyone else is usually derided and chastised but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. While the sentiment seems selfish, we must remember that the world is ruthless. It doesn’t tend to give out as many pats on the back as it does punches in the face. So there are times when it is absolutely appropriate to put yourself first. Especially when it comes to belief!
You need to believe in yourself first before anyone else’s belief matters. No matter how many people may be cheering you on from the sidelines. If you don’t believe, you’re sunk! Where that belief comes from is up to you. Maybe it’s based on past experience or examples from others. Or possibly it’s just a choice that needs to be made with no evidence whatsoever. Regardless, it’s a necessary component to any endeavor and it’s up to you first.
So put your hand up! Me first! I need to stand up and be counted before anyone else gets to vote.
I love language! There are so many nuances to the ways that we express things. Since language is a representation of thought, it means that we are even more nuanced mentally. Within each of us, there is a unique set of experiences, patterns and potential diverse enough to astound everyone we meet! And sometimes we just watch Netflix. Our actions define who we are in the moment and over the long haul. At one point, all of us were completely dependent on others for survival. Over time, we refined who we were until we were at least partially, if not wholly able to care for ourselves.
Going through the modern life of a human being can be tricky and as far as I know we’re the only species with the capability to “lose” ourself. Other animals singularly exist in their own experience. The existential crisis never hits them because the squirrel is too busy being a squirrel to be anything else. A human can be so many things that it can get confusing about whether we are being who we are or acting like what others want. With all of the nuance that comes in our lives, there is no true “authentic” self. If we were all being authentically human, we’d all be crapping in our pants and probably not wearing pants for that matter! But I digress. So the question isn’t one of authenticity, it is more comfortability. Are you comfortable in your skin representing to the world as who you are?
As we’ve become more “refined”, it’s easy to be swayed in one direction or the other toward actions that may not serve us. At that point, it may be necessary to “re-find” one’s self. Get back to some of the thoughts and actions that were seminal to the development of identity. Neither one is particularly the right move. Whether you feel the need to refine or re-find who you are, only you can make that choice. Other’s can thrust it upon you but the choice is in your hands. You’re never stagnant! At this moment, you’re a different person than you were when you started reading. Just be aware of that comfort that you have about sitting within your own skin.
For some reason, I’ve always had an issue deciphering between what I would call “2nd tier candy.” I don’t usually eat that much candy and other than a former colleague who used to love telling me the jokes from her Laffy Taffy, never had them thrust upon me. So Now and Later candies could be bitter, sweet, sour or all of the above and I really wouldn’t know. However, I do recognize the bitter and sweet relationship between now and later in life.
As humans, we respond so much better to now. It’s extremely concrete, urgent and gives us immediate feedback. Whether it’s a piece of candy or an Amazon Prime purchase, we get that rush of the moment and often it whisks us away.
Later is a much tougher concept. Yes! We can rationalize long term benefits because our brains have developed to do so. However, it takes slightly more effort because we have to get past a lot of nows to get to later. That can be difficult, especially today because so many people and corporations want to hijack your now.
So it’s really up to you and what you want. The original title to this blogpost was going to be “there’s no six pack in your future without crunches in your present.” That might have been a more specific post meant just for me but you get the point. So many of the things that we want for ourselves require a long term view. It’s not easy. It’s not convenient and often we must forego a lot of sweet moments in favor of bitter ones. Swallowing down all of those difficult moments is necessary and we know it. Unfortunately, many of us tend to lose heart and focus because of all the now that we’re sacrificing. So make sure that this thing is something that you really want, then pony up all of the now that’s necessary.
Later is on its way and no one can stop it. The version of you that shows up is dependent upon how you spend the nows in between. How will you feel when later shows up? Proud that you held onto that vision of later and stayed the course? Or regretful for all of the nows that were squandered? As usual, it’s up to you!
One of my favorite thoughts to come back to regularly is David Foster Wallace’s talk “This Is Water!” If you’ve never heard it, the video on YouTube is worth the ten minutes! It basically outlines a need to be conscious of your default thoughts because they can become invisible like water. They surround and permeate our lives in ways that we tend to not even notice. We run on a form of autopilot through situations. Seeing the world much like we did yesterday and the day before that. Problems arise when the water or picture no longer serves. In an effort to not throw out the proverbial baby (or fish) with the bath water, the picture metaphor works much better in this case. We can have a picture for different portions of our lives that can independently be reworked.
As a kid, one of the most pervasive toys that all kids seemed to have was the Etch A Sketch. It was a drawing toy that you used knobs to draw on a “screen” and shaking it would give a new surface to draw on. Perhaps it is time to shake the Etch A Sketch on different picture models that you have for your life. Seeing yourself, a situation or your life differently can be complicated and difficult. Some of the pictures we have of who we are can be decades old. Yet, it may be necessary to shake those longstanding ones up. Our beliefs about who we are and what we are capable of shape our thoughts and actions. The things that we will or will not consider are based largely upon these models. So take a look and decide if you need a shake up!
It’s far easier for me to say than for anyone to do! BELIEVE ME I KNOW! Some of the pictures that I have in my head seem like they are etched in stone, not a child’s toy. Even if they are, it is incumbent on me to fix it, redraw it and yes shake it up! (Not off, that’s Taylor Swift). So despite the discomfort and difficulty, take a look at your pictures of the world and decide if they work or not. Maybe you’ve actually had some of them since your Etch A Sketch days.
It’s official! The paperwork just came in from the state and my son’s name is officially Lionel Messi! I fully anticipate that his goal total will skyrocket in the coming seasons. If you’ve not screamed “You’re an idiot!” yet, you’ve at least thought it. I felt stupid just typing it! A name is not particularly an indicator of quality, it’s a way to differentiate one person from millions of other similar people. This truth is so easy to realize when talking about a person’s talent. Then why do so many people trap themselves into the soccer club name game? Like soccer, the answer is simple but at the same time complex. Perception helps us form our reality.
In college, I worked at a beer and wine store. On the beer side of the store, I got very few questions. Occasionally someone would ask about a new micro-brew but generally people knew what they were looking for. The Coors guy would rarely change things up and would walk in grab a case, pay and walk out. On the wine side of the store, there were much more questions and a posturing of perception. If a wine was highlighted in the “Wine Spectator” magazine, we were likely to sell out of it especially if it was priced under $30. Most of the people were looking for the popular wine, even if they had never tasted it and often it wasn’t even their favorite varietal. They had been sold on a perception not their own reality. Being seen as a person who knew about wine was much more important than getting what they wanted in a wine.
At the moment in the soccer world, we’re going through a similar perception economy. Names are just a part of the equation that includes trainers, sponsors, equipment, etc. The name is just the asset with no inherent value other than perception. It’s a longstanding joke with a coach friend of mine that we are going to start a club with all of the standard soccer club cliches of quality. My most recent version is “Select Elite Academy Soccer International Club Kickers” or S.E.A.S.I.C.K. for short. I’m sure that the players of SEASICK would be bursting with pride in the fact that they were playing for an “elite academy”, though they might be neither. Since they tried out, that would make it “select”. Although they might be confused by the “international” tag but I’m sure we’d find an English or Dutch trainer to squelch that thought. Finally I’m sure that they would have preferred to be an FC but let’s face it, you can’t fight the draw of a good acronym! Again I’m being ridiculous but not inaccurate.
The youth soccer world is based heavily on perception but with more real consequences than my wine example. This is not a mistake of serving chardonnay with steak (which is actually fine if that’s what you like). It’s a mistake of hanging children’s self-worth on a false status. It may not be prudent to invest a child’s one non-renewable resource (time) into a pursuit of athletic “excellence” rather than personal development. Does an “elite” soccer player translate this time and financial commitment into love from his/her parents? Do they have the tight bonds of friendship with their elite teammates that they have with kids from their school? Are the elite coaches also elite role models of how to be a good person? If these questions were all asked and well considered before the tryout, then stay the course. However my fear is that many people have blinders on with a very narrow view of the course that they are putting their children on. By age 25, most people’s playing careers are over but their lives are not yet close to half done. Will memories of warm-up jackets embroidered with half true adjectives be enough to sustain them through their adult life? Or are the actions, relationships and mentors of the individual the true creators of great memories?
Eventually the packaging fades away and the true substance of what’s been sold shines through. Go in with an idea of what you really want and see past the packaging. The world is filled with people who will sell you something for their own benefit rather than yours. Not everyone is elite but anyone can receive the gifts that the game has to offer without a price tag.
At the end of the first season of Ted Lasso, Rebecca reveals that she has been sabotaging Ted from the beginning. After that revelation, Ted says that he forgives her because “divorce is hard!” And it’s the truth. Rebecca’s reaction to her divorce was to destroy the one thing that her ex loved the most in the world. Ted’s reaction was to give space and let his ex go (with panic attacks spotted in there). The reactions to divorce can be very different but unless the people just did not care, then it’s hard. It’s such an odd thing because we all know the statistics, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Yet people continually bet all that they are on the equivalent of a flip of the coin. If it is just cultural conditioning or the tax break, we should really reconsider.
As someone who recently got divorced, I completely agree with Ted. Divorce is hard! It has hurt me in ways that I never could have anticipated and made me doubt things that I believed in on a gravity level. The unraveling of the ball of twine that I am as a person has been most unsettling. Deciphering the difference between which twine is really me and which got placed there because of my marriage has made me wonder when I’ll just get to be me again because I refuse to throw something away simply due to association. If something has inherent value, I’d rather keep it. So reevaluation is a constant. The loss of some different relationships due to the breakup has also been difficult and unforeseen. And probably the most difficult thing to deal with recently has been the question of whether I even knew the person that I walked through life with for so long. All of these things and more have made divorce “hard”. Yet at this very moment, I sit here completely convinced that I will make another lifelong commitment to a woman in the future. What is that?
It’s not a need for division of labor. All of the chores, responsibilities and projects get done. They just get done at my pace and in my style. Nor is it a need for a new focal point in my life. There is more than enough to focus on without bringing that level of disruption. It’s not a security blanket to help me sleep at night, I’ve always slept pretty soundly regardless of location or company. I’m a decent cook and social life is not a problem. So why go back to that gamble?
Like so many things that are linked with the show Ted Lasso, it comes down to belief. I believe that the right relationship can be a force multiplier where 1+1 doesn’t equal 2. It is an equation that brings out the best version of each individual that leads to a product greater than the sum of the parts. Perhaps I’m a fool for believing in such things. I can accept that. Maybe a good dose of pessimism would save me some heartache or a possible broken heart. That may be true. But it feels more like a coward’s mindset toward living. Running away doesn’t guarantee that you won’t get hurt. It just guarantees that you’ll never know what was possible.
Divorce is hard! Unless you didn’t care, prepare to be broken. BUT that one experience is not the end of you. You could be the exact ingredients that someone else is looking for in order to “fill the gaps”. There’s not a perfect person out there but maybe there’s a person who is perfect for you. Believing in that seems like such a better idea than giving up because you don’t like the odds!
“Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure.” -Rilke
Huryk Unlimited 