Tag: self awareness

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Dating: Playing With House Money

Pete Huryk

I’m not a gambler because I have a real resistance to losing my money.  The systems are set up in the house’s favor.  However I (I’d guess everyone else) would be happy to gamble if only playing with the house money.  The reason being is that it is extremely easy to bet when you have absolutely nothing to lose.

This same phenomena applies to the dating world as well.  From my own experience, when I was single, I found it almost impossible to get someone interested in dating me.  However whenever I had a girlfriend, I seemed to have no shortage of interested people.  Now part of this may be attributed to competition/supply in demand but I think one of the key factors is “playing with house money”.  It was always easier to make conversation and flirt when I already had a girlfriend because I had nothing to lose.  Rejection was impossible.

This creates a bit of a paradox because in order to “play with house money”, you need to have a significant other.  Not actually, the key component to “playing with house money” is a true belief that you have nothing to lose.  The fear of rejection that you feel is a feeling that you created.  How can you make the possibility of the date valuable and make the rejection worthless?

The way to make rejection worthless is to break it down into what it truly means.  The person that you have approached is not rejecting you.  They are rejecting their perception of you which may be way off from reality.  A rejection is not a finality, it is a learning opportunity.  As with anything else, improvement requires a degree of failure.  Since we don’t have virtual reality simulated dating programs (yet), you need to take these experiences head on without fearing rejection but fear of the loss of opportunity.  I cannot think of a time in my life where I regret telling someone how I felt about them.  However I’ve definitely got a few examples of regretting the fact that I didn’t tell them.

You’re playing with house money.  Someone saying yes or no to you does not change your value as a person.  Your worth is decided by one person and that is you.  The only way to lose that money is if you decide to give it away.

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Unless

Pete Huryk

Some people may find it odd that as a thirty-nine year old one of my favorite authors is still Dr. Seuss.  The main reason that his works continue to influence me is that he entertains, educates and inspires.  Many authors can only pull off one of those effectively.  However with made up words and rhyming schemes, he does all three consistently.

My favorite book by Dr. Seuss is “The Lorax”.  I have read it to my children so many times that I basically have it memorized.  The message of environmental responsibility is delivered in a simple yet powerful way.  “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not.”  This simple message applies to so many things.  Since my blog is aimed toward self-improvement that is where I’ll focus.

It does not matter what challenges you face, you must own it first.  People can help you and they will but there help is meaningless until you act.  A better you is not born out of indifference.  A better you is born out of passion, love and desire!  The fitter you is not the product of idleness and excuses.  Only through your focused effort can a fitter you arise.  Unless you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not!

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Set Yourself Up!

Pete Huryk

For many years now, I’ve not been a fan of the NBA.  Ever since Larry Bird retired, most of the teams seem to be completely reliant on the individual talent rather than the collective.  The one evidence I see of team recognition is the alley-oop.  Two players that recognize an opportunity at the same time and one sets the other up.  The play requires three things: favorable circumstances, recognition of opportunity and decisive action.

In our own lives, success requires similar ingredients.  However there usually aren’t seven foot tall defenders in our way.  Most of the time, we are the only ones playing defense against ourselves.  The world doesn’t stand in our way for many of the things that we want.  The key is that we need to set ourselves up or enlist teammates to help set us up.

Take stock of the goals that you have and set up systems to make yourself successful.  If your goal is to get in shape, put alarms on your phone and lay out your workout clothes the night before.   Be sure not to overwhelm yourself by doing too much at once.  Add a new aspect to your life no more than every two weeks.  Drastic changes tend to create a recipe for failure because as soon as we drop one ball, we tend to let the others fall.  Habits become automatic if we practice them enough.  The habit of going to the gym can be built with the very simple action of showing up and doing simple things for 30 minutes.  Once the habit of going to the gym is ingrained, adding more to the workouts is much easier.

Set yourself up for success, not failure.  You’re only human.  So keep it simple to start and then get more complex.  Find or create favorable circumstances, recognize your opportunity and take decisive action.  Even you won’t be able to stop yourself!

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The Statue Equation

Pete Huryk

Most people remember the date, July 4th 1776.  It marked the day that the United States declared its independence from Great Britain.  A lesser known date is June 15th 1775 when George Washington was appointed Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.  It was at this time that George Washington signed his contract containing the “Statue Equation”.  If the quest for independence was successful, Washington was promised at least one statue in each major city, the eventual capital to be named for him and a monument within that future capital.  Since the colonial leadership had their eyes on expansion, he also negotiated an option for a future state to be named for him.  Hopefully at this point, you’ve recognized the ridiculousness of the prior three sentences.  They are completely untrue.

While I’m sure that Washington and others had some selfish reasons for fighting the Revolutionary War, I doubt that statues and monuments were among them.  The ideals of freedom and self determination were most likely more relevant than the fame that would come from victory.  It is a relatively simple equation that in the past we revered those who acted with a higher purpose than themselves.  Today people are revered simply because they are willing to make a spectacle of themselves in the media.

I do not believe that people are inherently foolish but there is a “shell game” that has been played on us or we’ve played on ourselves.  Fame used to be a byproduct of being exceptional at something.  The desired result was being exceptional in a particular area, now the desired result is being famous.  Getting on TV or one million likes on Facebook or Youtube.  When do we stop fooling ourselves that this is what life is truly about?

The key component to being a human being is acting in the interest of a cause bigger than yourself.  Acting in the interest of making yourself bigger than other seems to only make people smaller.

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Put On Your Iron Man Pants and Run!

Pete Huryk

This past weekend, the family and I took a trip down to Philadelphia to meet up with my best friend and his family.  It was a great opportunity to catch up and for our kids to spend some time together.  I’m also training for a ten mile race in a few weeks and needed to do a six mile run.  Luckily our hotel was almost exactly three miles from the “Rocky Steps”, one of my favorite running destinations.  It was a perfect scenario for me to enjoy myself and get in work that needed to be done.

The problem arose at 6:30 am on Saturday morning.  I woke up ready to run and realized that I had forgotten my running pants and shorts at home.  I had two choices: go back to bed or wear my Iron Man pajama pants on the six mile run.  I chose the latter.  They were warm enough and have pockets to carry my iPhone.  The only negative was my appearance.

Far too often our appearance to others dictates our behaviors.  I am not saying that appearances do not matter at all.  However there is a calculation that needs to be done to decide when it should matter.  In this situation, my long term goal of the ten mile run was far more important than the short term appearance.  Did I feel foolish?  Not for one second!  I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it.  The opinions of strangers that passed by did not matter because they are judging me on only one metric.  I must judge myself on many others.

Defining ourselves completely by the opinions of others is a losing game.  The odds of pleasing others 100% of the time are so minuscule that is bound to lead to disappointment.  Define yourself in your own terms and decide when the opinions of others matter or not.

IronManPants

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Life Is All About T&A

Pete Huryk

At this point, depending on your gender, the title caught your attention for very different reasons.  However if you are reading, then that only serves to back up my point.  Your life and anyone else’s life is dominated by T&A.  Probably not the T&A that you have in mind at the moment but rather Thoughts and Actions.

Our thoughts are the pictures and words inside of our heads that cause emotion.  They are the citizens of our first world.  The world that we create for ourselves.  Some of us are effective architects who take great care in the thoughts that are created in our minds.  Others allow any garbage that is brought in through the senses to penetrate and take root.  Our thoughts are the first half of the equation that creates our life.

The other is our actions.  Those things that we do in the physical world.  Our actions are the reality that we share with others.  Hopefully our actions are based in some part on thought.  Often they are a representation of what we did yesterday and the day before.  Regardless the actions that we take are the life that we lead.

The combination of your T&A are the sum total of who you are as a person.  Are you proud of your T&A?  Do they need some changes?  The only way to change yourself is to change your thoughts, your actions or both.  Spend some time paying attention to your T&A.

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My Black Belt

Pete Huryk

I am a black belt in a particular martial art.  This is not conceit or delusion.  I am the best in the world at this particular discipline.  Within fractions of a second, I am able to leave my opponent as incapacitated as I want.  I strike fear into my opponent enough to paralyze him.  If I wanted, I could leave my opponent lying in a twisted heap on the floor sobbing.  However I use restraint and do not practice this art with the regularity that I used to.

The martial art that I possess a black belt in is “self-deprecation”.  I was better than anyone that I know at tearing me apart.  It was almost second nature.  I knew all of the pressure points, the soft spots and how to land a knockout punch.  Sometimes other people would get involved but for the most part, I gave their punches much more power.  I remember starting out as a white belt.  It seemed like a smart move at the time.  I would say something bad about myself in the presence of a female.  She would refute it and I got a bit of a boost.  A small dip in ego for a bit of a raise in ego.  It was a simple con that I played on myself but eventually, I got too good at the dip and dismissed anyone that tried to pick me up.  As I realized the ridiculousness of my martial art, I started to practice less and less.

My guess is that most people have some degree of mastery at this skill.  We know the buttons to push and weaknesses.  Although it may be an easy art to learn and master, it is not one that should be practiced often.  A tempered conscience is a healthy thing to possess but a self-deprecating mindset only hurts.

 

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Your Game and Keeping Score

Pete Huryk

As a soccer coach, I will often use games in practice to work on different skills.  A game of keep-away with the number of passes being the objective is a way to work on possession.  The key to success is that everyone understands what the game is and how to keep score.  In your life it is important to understand what games your are playing and are you keeping score in a way that allows for you to win some times.

As you go through your daily life, it is important to first pay attention to the “games” that you are playing.  There are literally millions of “games” that the human race are playing.  You have chosen to engage in some and ignore others.  For example, you might be really invested in the “make my parents proud” game or the “be attractive to the opposite sex” game.  Depending on which game you’ve decided to make important, you’ll act very differently.  I am not going to moralize on which games are more important.  The only thing that I would suggest is that you are aware of the games that you’ve made important and if they’ll help get you  where you want to go.

Now that you are sure of the games you want to play, how do you keep score?  Be sure to line your game up with a score that is appropriate and attainable.  If your game is “helping other people” but you keep score by how much money you make, you might need to reevaluate.  The game and the score are not directly related, so you might be really good at the game but feel like failure.

The other thing to be wary of is making the goal unattainable for you.  If your game is “being fit” but you keep score by a ridiculous set of criteria including: 10% body fat, huge lifting numbers or extremely low running times, you may want to revamp.  Humans thrive on progress.  If your goal and the way to score are the same thing, it decreases your chances for success.  So small benchmarks can make your possibility for success much better.

What game are you playing and how do you keep score?  Answer these two questions. Perhaps you can give yourself a better chance of winning the games that you actually want to play.  Also you might be able to quit some games that you didn’t realize you were playing.

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This Is What You Wanted

Pete Huryk

MarathonAs we are moving past the time when most people have given up on their New Year’s Resolutions, I offer this subtle reminder.  THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.  It is sometimes a difficult thing to swallow.  Goals and resolutions are pretty and shiny when we create them.  Everything will go great!  You’ll be able to maintain this level of excitement until you get to the end!  The problem is that we usually forget or don’t know the following.

When you set up a goal or make a resolution it is much like ordering your favorite dessert.  For me that would be the classic chocolate milkshake.  Unfortunately you forgot to read the fine print.  Before you will be served your delicious dessert, you have an appetizer of pain coming.  That will be followed by a main course of discipline with self-sacrifice sauce and side order of humility.  Once you are able to choke down those mammoth size helpings of something that YOU DIDN’T ORDER, you’ll finally get that thing that you wanted.

Just remember that THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, all of it is part of the deal.  Embrace it.  You’ll actually find at some point  halfway through the main course that you like the taste of it.  Those things that you overlooked on the menu are actually something that you want for yourself.  The problem is that most people retreat too early because THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!  At the end of the meal you’ll have to settle up the check.  If you stuffed yourself full with meal and goal, the bill is paid with PRIDE.  If you left your meal unfinished, then you have a debt of REGRET that is difficult to wipe away.

Decide on what you want from the menu!

Pete

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I’m Sting, Not Mozart

Pete Huryk

We each have multiple groups of friends and colleagues with whom we have a certain amount of influence.  Within one of my colleague groups, I am referred to as Sting.  Much like the famous singer of the Police, I am a few years older than the other group members and my input carries a little more weight.  The role of “Sting” is one that I embrace and take seriously because I want to help my colleagues along their journey.

Influence is a currency that varies in value based upon the group.  Much like monetary currency, the dollar may be valued more than the Mexican Peso but less than the Kuwaiti Dinar.  The key is recognizing your influence and when you should be giving versus collecting.

I embrace my role as Sting but also recognize that I’m not Mozart.  Sting’s influence is in a very specific genre over a specific time period.  I’m sure that he has influenced millions of people with his music.  However Mozart influenced music itself and that influence has lasted for centuries.  If it were possible for Sting to be in a room with Mozart, I am sure that Sting would know to listen first rather than tell Wolfie about his Grammy for “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”.   Perhaps Sting has something to offer Mozart but assuming that is true is foolish.

There are so many people in this world to learn from.  If you are too busy shouting the autobiography of your greatness to everyone, you may not recognize the possible treasures in front of you.  Be comfortable with who you are.  Whether you’re Sting, Adele, Greg Graffin or Steve Zarodnansky, you have something to offer.  Just don’t assume you’re Mozart because even he has more to learn.