My cousin who is fifteen years older than me used to go on vacations with my family each summer. At the time, I was a teenager and he was in his early thirties with a very successful career in retail. Despite my seemingly inferior station in life, I was able to change his life for the positive with little more than a few words. I’m hoping that the process can give some hints about making big changes in your life.
It was completely unintentional but it sticks out in my memory as if it were scripted out. My cousin was and is pretty fanatical about health and fitness. He would run everyday, do push-ups and sit-ups in order to maintain his chiseled physique. Despite this relentless pursuit of fitness, he had a habit that seemed out of place to me. He used chewing tobacco daily. It wasn’t anything that particularly bothered me. I had friends who used it. The thing that felt out of place was that it seemed contrary to all that he valued. So as we were driving home from North Carolina and he got his spit bottle ready for his next lip full of tobacco, I made the simple statement. “It seems odd to me that you do that. You are so healthy in all other parts of your life but you do something that you know is horrible for you. I just don’t understand.” That was all that it took. He didn’t tell me until much later that he had quit using tobacco and that was the reason.
Many of our decisions break down to the story that we tell ourselves about ourselves. It could be true or it could be bullshit. The main thing is that the story is effective at moving life forward in a positive manner. The reason why my simple statement was able to change my cousin so quickly was that it showed an inconsistency in his story about himself. In that situation, I knew his story about himself and showed him how the tobacco didn’t fit. People want to stay consistent with the image that they have of themselves. That’s the entire reason why the term “midlife crisis” exists. Men (usually) make poor decisions in order to maintain an image that they have of themselves as young, cool, etc.
The first step to changing a behavior in yourself or someone else is to know the person’s story. What is an identity that they want to uphold at all costs? Is their family the center of their world? Do they think of themselves as an athlete? Do they think of themselves as successful? Once you know the story, take that thing that needs changing and flip it against their story about themselves. I keep saying they but I really want you to do this to yourself. So if your family is extremely important but you are obese, then you actually don’t care about them very much. If you truly cared, you’d do your best to guarantee that you’ll be around for them. The combinations of stories and behaviors is infinite.
The key is to find the one that works. Results are what we are after, not an excuse to feel bad about one’s self. Your mind can play tricks on you. It is time for you to play tricks on it to help you get where you want to go. The possibilities of your tomorrow need to be forged in the thoughts that you have today.
Tell yourself a better story about you!
Pete
In 1998, Mark McGwire hit more home-runs than any other player in MLB history. I vividly remember watching the games to see if he would break Hank Aaron’s record and I’m not even a baseball fan. At the time, I remember becoming personally moved by the chase for the home-run record. It changed the way that I thought about several things in my life and it had nothing to do with home-runs but rather strikeouts. McGwire lead the league in home-runs that year but he was also near the top of the leader board for strikeouts. He struck out 2.2 times more than he hit home-runs. In theory, the strikeouts are failure but in reality they are three more pieces of data.
In 2002 my girlfriend (now wife) and I went to a Fleetwood Mac concert. We had a difficult time getting to the concert because she had a broken foot and was using crutches. The general admission parking was at least a half mile walk to the entrance, so I ended up carrying her on my back for much of the distance. As the diligent boyfriend, I wasn’t going to complain. However at the end of the show, she insisted that we try to get a ride back to the car from security. We were told to wait at the security station for the van to come pick us up. Alongside us was an irate woman and her boyfriend, that were also waiting to be picked up. Phrases like, “He can’t go out there!” and “This is ridiculous that we’re being treated this way!” were thrown about several times. It became evident to me that I was sitting next to Billy Corgan. Although the Smashing Pumpkins had broken up, I was still sitting next to a relatively important celebrity of the time. Despite my realization, I kept quiet until after we’d all been picked up by the van and he and his girlfriend had departed. At that point, I spilled the beans to everyone else in the van.
Huryk Unlimited 