Tag: focus

Blogpost, self-reliance

I Was a Bad Homecoming Date

Pete Huryk

In my junior year of high school, I got asked to the homecoming dance by a senior in my trigonometry class. She was a really nice person that I got along with but I didn’t navigate the concept of going as her date well. Everything from showing up separately to only spending the very beginning of the dance with her, I was a pretty crappy date. As a foolish high schooler, it was easy enough to justify in my head and also distract myself with other people. At this point, it is barely even a memory other than the fact that I was not a good date. The Crosby, Stills and Nash song “Love the One You’re With” tends to remind me of this situation. Not because a teenage version of me should have “loved” the one I was with. At bare minimum, I should have either had the courage to say no or live up to my side of the bargain. This discussion of high school regret is not all about self-flagellation.

Not actually from the dance in question. This was a Christmas dance freshman year. I think I was an ok date for this one.

Our lives are filled with options. We have an almost infinite number of choices that we make through our lifetimes. In the time that we live, it is easier than ever to look at other people’s situations with envy. Social media is filled with lives that seem to be photoshopped to look perfect and they mainly are. The downtimes and troubles are rarely on display. So it can be easy to wish that you had a different “date” at the dance of life. Fortunately (in my opinion) you don’t get to trade and you need to “love the one you’re with.”

The beauty of this date that you have is that they are not stagnant. They can get better with time. However it is up to you to make your “date” better. The only way to improve your “date” is to be a better version of yourself. If you’re not happy with how it’s going, you’re the one who has to change. You don’t get to “trade up”! This is the one that you’ve got. So love the one that you’ve got while always trying to get better at dancing, conversing, relating and loving. No one else is going to steal you away! You’re all you’ve got and that’s a great thing!

Be a good date!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Define Yourself

Pete Huryk

If you look up any word in the dictionary, you will read a variety of other words that are used to represent that item, idea or whatever. So understanding that definition is dependent upon knowing the other words. It’s an odd kind of shell game. There are also other words that we feel like we know what they mean. But without a dictionary in hand, if we were asked for a definition, it would be a struggle to come up with one. We just know. Much like a dumbbell, there is a balance to be struck with the things that are dependent upon others in order to have meaning and things that just are.

High School Soccer from Senior Year
It may look foolish now but at the time, we LOVED these jerseys!

As human beings, we are often trying to make sense of things. We are looking for meaning in a largely random set of circumstances and characters. Sometimes we use the dictionary approach. Our meaning is dependent upon others. Things that could be easily represented to people. At times, the more intuitive route “feels” right. We do not know how to explain it but our decisions seem to have a cosmic GPS that we couldn’t really explain to someone else.

I’ve had both experiences and cannot say wholeheartedly that either is 100% correct. They each have their advantages and disadvantages. At a certain point though, you need to be you. Defining that completely externally is dangerous because it can end with losing yourself. The completely intuitive route can ignore vital information in favor of feelings that may be misguided. It would be a lot easier if we had a map but then we would lose the joy of “figuring it out.” Our lives are largely lived in duality. Too much certainty is boring and too much uncertainty is chaos, not fun.

At the moment, we’re going through a tough time. A lot of the paths that we believed were important are becoming less so. A deluge of readily available “information” has made us doubt ourselves on a variety of fronts from how we look to our health and well-being. Within all of this turmoil, each of us must try to define who we are. This is a constant process that requires a bit of thought and some trust that you’re going to get it right eventually. The definition of who you are is not showing up in a dictionary and thank god! You get to figure out who you want to be over and over again. Take the time to get to know you, so maybe you can define you.

None of this will be on the quiz!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Un-Pete

Pete Huryk

As the third in a line of Petes, there are several clever lines that have been used with my name. One of my dad’s favorites was “My name is Pete and this is my son, Repete.” Obviously a dad joke of major proportions. I used to think there was more to my name. There seemed to be a certain amount of pressure put on me to follow in my father’s footsteps. It was largely internal but I still felt it. That’s why I decided not to name my son after me.

At this point in time, I feel almost none of that pressure to be like my dad. However I do put the pressure on myself to remain consistent with who I have been. It’s a mental tug of war at times. The forces of habit and consistency pitted against change and new horizons. There is not a crowned champion in this battle. It waivers.

There are things that will never win out. Those actions are un-Pete. They are things that no one will ever see from me. Lines that cannot be crossed. It’s comforting to know that there are things that we just won’t do. It’s often said that “character is what you do when no one is watching.” It is also the things that never cross your mind to do.

I might have said something like this before. Sorry! I tend to “repete” myself! Hahaha

Blogpost, self-reliance

If You’re Going Through Hell…

Pete Huryk

I cannot take credit for this quote. The origin may not be from Sylvester Stallone but that’s where I heard it. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Like so many of the quotes that stick with me, it reframes an idea in such a way that makes me want to take action. The idea of going through hell is overwhelming. It is the place of true suffering and the landlord leaves a lot to be desired. So the quote brings the full picture into focus. If you are in the worst place, keep moving until you get out. Even hell must have some form of boundary and just like New Jersey, you probably have to pay a toll to leave. Regardless, the idea of staying is unthinkable (in hell, not NJ, love the Garden State). So it’s in your best interest to put feet to pavement (or hot coals) and get the hell out of there!

Portion of the album cover to “Number of the Beast” by Iron Maiden. Original painting by Derek Riggs.

“That’s easy for you to say! You don’t know what I’m going through!” You’re absolutely right! Words are cheap but let’s forget that for a moment because that will always be true. Is that what you need? Someone who understands what you’re going through? There are support groups for just about everything under the sun at this point. Chances are that someone out there could understand your situation but would it really help? Or is it just easier to feel badly about the situation? These are legitimate questions that might be worth answering. If you need the understanding, search it out.

Just like so many other situations, an unwanted vacation in hell can be remedied by three words: vision, chunking and reasons. You need to have a vision for where you want to be, not a focus on where you are. The road is most likely going to be long and painful but if you can chunk it down or break it into pieces, progress can be seen more easily. Finally, you need reasons. In Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he talks about his experiences in the Nazi concentration camps. People needed to develop reasons to carry on in those inhuman circumstances.

Perhaps the situation that you are in is not exactly hell, the three words still work. Regardless of who you are or what your circumstances, we all run up on hard times. Often, our reaction to them is how we end up defining ourselves.

Safe travels!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

There Was a Time…

Pete Huryk

There was a time when I didn’t understand my parent’s (and other older people’s) fixation on where they were upon hearing that Kennedy was shot. It was definitely a historical moment, worthy of remembrance but I just didn’t understand. Now that we are twenty years removed from September 11th, I kind of understand. My life basically split into two on that day. Some of that would have happened without the attack but in so many ways, my present life tracks directly back to that day.

It was one of the oddest days of my teaching career. I got called down to the office at one point in early part of the day. In a conference room, they had the TV on where the students wouldn’t see. I was being given a glimpse of events that I needed pretend were not happening for the next several hours. As the day unfolded, parents started picking up their kids and yet I needed to pretend like nothing was wrong. By the last period, few students were left and they all knew something was up. Something was different.

Perhaps everyone who lived through the Kennedy assassination feels the same way. As if that one horrific event had changed their entire existence. Or maybe it was just the period of my life that caused the splitting. Regardless, it’s there. A scar from a cut that I wish never happened but it did. So what do we with an unwanted past? Do we run from it? Forget it? Or leverage it?

One of the beautiful things that seems to happen around many tragedies is that people come together. Differences that seemed important yesterday are cast aside. Humans have an amazing ability to be the best versions of themselves when things are at their worst. Not because we are special or supernatural but rather it is who we are deep inside. We are born literally through adversity. Any mother will tell you that it is called “labor” for a reason. Unfortunately we tend to shield ourselves from adversity because comfort feels better.

My life before September 11th was largely filled with comfort. This second life has had a lot more struggle and difficulty but it’s made me who I am now. This is not a call for tragedy. It is a call for embracing those hard things that instruct. Not pain for pain’s sake but pain for progress! There was a time when I was afraid of difficult periods, I’m not afraid anymore. Hopefully we’ll meet on that other side!

Never forget! You’re stronger than you realize!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Doorman > The CEO in This Place

Pete Huryk

The CEO has been held in high esteem for decades now as the pinnacle of business career success. Corner offices, private jets, and big bonuses are just a few of the pictures that people put in their heads when they think of this position. On the other hand, doormen are pretty rare by comparison and usually thought of very little. Unless it is for a ritzy residential building in a big city, the doorman often is invisible. A quasi-security guard who is on a lower rung of a different ladder to the CEO. There is one place where the doorman may be more important than the CEO even though the CEO calls all of the shots.

At the moment, we are all being bombarded constantly by information. The things that we let in are influencing us tremendously. Regardless of whether we are truly processing it all or if it is just in the background, the tendency toward informational fatigue and overload is pervasive. It is important to put some constraints on what is coming in. Even the most skilled CEO in the world would be rendered completely ineffective if the doorman let anyone and everyone in to see her/him. The pure volume would lead to a grinding halt of productivity. The CEO may be directing the who the doorman lets in but if that job is done poorly, the higher executive functions don’t matter.

At this point, it’s obvious that I’m no longer talking about people but rather your mind and the mechanisms that you have in place for processing information and protecting your attention. People are amazing “deletion creatures”. Meaning that we cannot pay attention to everything at every moment, so we delete a large portion of what comes into our senses. The things that don’t get deleted are let in or deflected by the “doorman” through focused attention or passing notice. The things that we focus on create our reality. Your focus (doorman) can make or break your day, week, month, year or life by letting all of the wrong stimuli, ideas, words, etc. into your mind (CEO). The key is being specific with your doorman about who gets access. If not directed, the doorman will let the loudest and pushiest people in. That’s a recipe for disaster! So train your doorman to only let in the people that are worthy of your time and attention.

Entrez-vous!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

You Are Here

Pete Huryk

They are really quite useful! Maps with that drawing or sticker that tell you exactly where you are on the map. It gives you a frame of reference for your future movement. Whether in a shopping mall, amusement park or any other area with twists and turns, this added feature to a helpful guide to the territory can be invaluable.

In the real world though, there is rarely an indicator of this sort. Sure we generally know where we are geographically but in a larger context, we’re often lost! There are traditions and conventions that we may follow. Paths that others have trodden which gives us some assurance of success. However it’s not the precision of a map with our exact location of the moment spelled out for us.

At the moment, I have no idea if this is the blogpost that will skyrocket me to stardom. I don’t even know if that is on the map nor if that would get me closer to my goal of helping people. Since there is no map, it’s even more important to have a compass. Something that helps you know if you’re heading in the right direction. Do you have yours? If not, it’s worth developing or considering. Getting lost is part of most journeys but losing yourself shouldn’t be. Define for yourself the direction that you’re heading so that when you reach obstacles, you understand why you must get past them.

There will probably not be a convenient map for you to follow through your life. Life is rarely set up for your convenience. However if you set yourself up with the right tools for keeping you on track, you won’t even need the sticker because you’ll know “You are here!”

Find yourself today!

Pete

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The Size of Your Cell

Pete Huryk

Today the family and I visited Alcatraz Island. Despite the very moving exhibit about the Native American occupation of the island, our main purpose for the visit was the prison. This was my second visit to “The Rock” but it was my children’s first. It’s easy to forget how small the cells are and the solitary life that must have been led by the prisoners. Surely their past actions put them into that position. However can’t that be said about all of us? The size of the cells in Alcatraz was 5 feet by 9 feet. How big is the cell that confines each of us? Are we only confined by the limits of our imaginations? Or is the size of our cell around 3 inches by 6 inches?

It easy and enticing to believe that we’re not confined by anything. The optimist inside of me would love to believe that we are all limitless, no bars, no guards, no walls to keep us in. Largely that could be true if it weren’t for us. We confine ourselves, punish ourselves and obstruct ourselves. The prison around us is man made but the man or (wo)man who made it, is also the prisoner. This knowledge is important but not liberating. It can help us to see past the bars and wall but escape is not particularly any simpler. Depending on how old you are, those impediments seem as real as the stone and steel of Alcatraz.

There is still debate about whether or not anyone ever escaped from Alcatraz. There is no debate that people escape their self-made prisons every day. The question is how far they get and whether or not they lock themselves back up in the same cell with the same number. It’s possible for you to make it! You don’t need to use a spoon from the commissary to tunnel through concrete. The escape plan needs to center around you and the amount of freedom that you’ll allow yourself to believe in. No one is stopping you! Unlock the cell and walk out! Freedom awaits but you need to believe.

Let’s go!

Pete

Blogpost, posh

POSH Take Home Form on the Road

Pete Huryk

London Road has largely been a “fortress” since the return of Darren Ferguson. This is not particularly surprising considering his successful teams tend to lean heavily on their home form. This season is different than any other that these players or this manager have ever encountered. So, it may be the perfect time to buck the trend of away fixture results being in question. It’s time to take the home form “on the road.”

The home team advantage in normal seasons is far more pronounced. Crowd noise and atmosphere tend to be the major contributors to “unnerving” players on away days. Long bus (coach) trips and unfamiliar surroundings are a few of the other factors that add to the worries of the visiting team. The comfort of home is usually a combination of variables despite the fact that the crowd tends to get the focus. Parking, changing room, food, etc. can all influence the comfort level of players at home and cause worry in those away. Most of these subtle changes in the lead up to the game should be relatively inconsequential. However, they tend to stack up and cause anxiety that doesn’t exist when in familiar surroundings.

So far this season, Ferguson has done well with switching the mentality of the players in necessary ways. The first half lull has been replaced with energy and intent. The balance of certainty vs. uncertainty about places in the team also seems to have been sorted. The next hurdle is the away fixture mentality. London Road is a “fortress” and that is spectacular. The advantage is obviously not the crowd or the pitch. It is the mentality that the players bring to that empty stadium with a dodgy pitch (for the moment). Their comfort levels are higher at home that difference doesn’t need to be so pronounced. I’d love to follow the team around for a few matches in order to do a study on the differences in approach to away days. However without that ability, here’s a few simple ideas. Remember there are two things you should never worry about: things that you can control and things you can’t. Things that you can control shouldn’t get your worry/anxiety because you can control them, do something about it. While the things that you can’t control shouldn’t be worried about because you can’t control them. It’s wasted energy.

The players need to “compress the penalty area” which is my personal way of saying reduce anxiety. There are plenty of ways to do this but regarding an away fixture here are a few suggestions.

  • Cold shower! – Now I am a huge proponent of cold showers in general. It’s a part of my daily routine and many people think that’s crazy. However it has a grounding effect that I can’t fully explain. I’ve been taking 45 second – 2 minute cold shower (after hot for cleaning) for about 2 years now. It works almost like a physical and mental reset button. For someone who doesn’t do this regularly, it could be a priming mechanism to add to a pregame ritual. It will engage the “fight, flight or freeze (haha)” instinct. Being able to stay calm through that experience trains the body to go to that state less readily. Anxiety is a state of being. Some people train themselves to get to that state easily. Others train their way out. (physiology)
  • The Island – The game is played between the lines, not in the stands. Think of the field as an island. At the moment, there are no fans to contend with. So the building that surrounds the pitch should not matter much at all. The pitch itself is a factor but even our own is in shambles at the moment. Our players have the ability to move past that issue. Now is the time to develop an absolute focus on only the things that happen on “The Island.” By developing that island based focus, it removes the crowd and the opposing manager as obstacles. They do not need to matter if you don’t let them. It is said that one day the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him, saying all kind of rude words. The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man, “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?” The young man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, “It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.” The Buddha smiled and said, “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.” While I am not a Buddhist, there is wisdom to be taken here. The opposing crowd is going to dislike you based on your jersey. Don’t allow their expected vitriol to become a burden that you carry. If it feeds you, great! Use it! If not, leave it. You’ve tuned out your teacher, father, mother, girlfriend, etc. before. It just takes practice and an indifference toward the message. (focus)
I had this hanging on my wall as a teen with the caption “The definition of hell” under it. However it’s a good representation of a game on an island.
  • Phone a Friend! – The voice of the manager may not always be a supportive one and sometimes the worst voice to hear is your own inside of your head. It’s probably not possible nor practical to phone someone during the pregame or the game itself. However it is possible to have that message prerecorded on your phone or available inside your head. Choose the voice of someone who supports and believes in you almost unconditionally. Have their words of encouragement playing in your ear before the game or during. There is a reason why knights would “dedicate” their battles to ladies. Fighting for something more than ourselves adds another level of importance to the moment. (Internal Dialogue)

These are far from the only options for changing away form. The match does not start at the first whistle, nor is it only played in the stadium. A variety of forces contribute to the result of each match. The key is to take control of as many of those forces as possible. Flip obstacles upside down and use them as stepping stones in order to climb to higher heights. The same humans are playing regardless of the geographical location. Don’t let something that should be incidental stand between you and that which you want most. No one can take away your ability to play at your best without your consent. Don’t stand in your own way and don’t let anyone else either!

Up the POSH!

Pete

Blogpost, posh

POSH: Numbers Alone Don’t Change Behavior

Pete Huryk

While a draw to the league leaders may be an acceptable result for the day, the continued issues with defensive set pieces are anything but acceptable. The POSH statistics on defending set pieces are anything but impressive. It is an issue that is well known to the players and coaching staff. Regardless of the statistical analysis, numbers alone don’t change behavior.

The video of Lincoln’s goal from the corner kick is difficult to watch but indicative of the grander issue at hand. The cross deflects off our flatfooted captain and goes to a player at the back post who has been left by his marker. While it would be easy to point the finger at those two players, it could have easily been anyone else. Most of the POSH players look flatfooted on the play. Although some might say that a change needs to be made in the defensive set up on set pieces, my viewpoint would be that there needs to be a change in the story the team tells itself about defending set pieces.

Image: Andrew Vaughan/CameraSport

Behavior does not change on its own, in an individual or a group. There are many ways to change behavior and one is through fear. The number of goals given up on set pieces creates a sense of fear when they happen. While fear can change behavior, it brings with it a lot of baggage. The fight, flight or freeze response can be triggered by fear and “flatfootedness” might be representative of this issue. At the moment, the players have a story running in their head about “not getting scored on.” That focus does not tap into the positive emotions that get better results. So what should be done? Flip the script.

POSH is perennially a goal scoring juggernaut. It’s part of the manager’s, team’s, club’s owners’ ethos to be forward thinking. From the type of players that we buy/produce to the school initiative, POSH is always looking to be on the front foot. So the posture of flatfooted and defensive does not suit our mindset. My suggestion is this. Whenever there is a set piece against us, the players need to get EXCITED! That’s right I said excited.

While a set piece in our end may seem like an opportunity for the other team, it creates opportunity for us as well. The field is about as wide open as it will ever be in a game. Center backs are brought forward leaving a skeleton defense at the midfield with one of our forwards. So rather than focusing on how to keep the ball out of our goal. Focus on what we’re going to do with it when we win it back. Create breakout plays from defensive set pieces to put us on the front foot. Then each player’s mindset is not, “I need to keep my mark from scoring.” It becomes “where am I putting the ball when I win it? Because we could score from this.” It’s obviously based on the pressing strategy in the final third that Ferguson has at least subconsciously sold the idea that “defense scores goals.” He’s absolutely right and the final third is not the only place that this is true. It’s true all over the field because in order to score we need the ball. Telling a different story about the situation changes the players’ internal dialogues and focus at these times of high stress.

The POSH go forward. That’s who they are as a team. This subtle tweak just puts them back on the front foot rather than being fearful and flat. Get excited because a goal at the other end is 20 seconds or less away! We have the speed and the players to do it. Now all they need to do is believe!

Up the POSH!

Pete