Long before the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there were comic books. I’m not sure what exactly made me start collecting Iron Man comics but I never wavered. For some reason, I thought that he was the best superhero. I can only retroactively express ideas that may or may not have contributed to my interest:
He was a “self-made” super hero. It wasn’t luck, radioactive spiders or divine intervention. Tony Stark built himself into Iron Man.
He was still very flawed. Self-serving, alcoholic, bitter, etc. He didn’t always do the right thing but was consistent enough as a “hero”.
He was extremely wealthy and did not need to do any of it.
The great thing about heroes is that they give us an example to follow. The convenient thing about superheroes is that their abilities are so far from reality that they let us off the hook! We can watch in awe as they do their thing but then go home and do nothing to strive for that level of heroism.
This is not a call for people to develop super suits in order to fight crime or some impending alien invasion. It is a recognition of the opportunity that we all have. Everyday, we walk out into the world with persona that we’ve developed. That is our “Iron Man suit.” There is an opportunity to improve its capabilities. Inside, there is still a flawed human that doesn’t always get it right but there is the possibility of progress. And finally, you don’t need to do any of this. Most people don’t. They lament that the suit that they wear or how they didn’t get the luck, divine intervention or other break. It’s easier to lament.
So! You’re Iron Man! You have a suit to work with. What are you going to do with it? Is this the part of the story where your adventure truly begins? Or do you let the “call to adventure” go to voicemail? The choice is yours and it’s our choices that make us who we are.
Mirrors aren’t the only things that reflect. Throughout the day, you can see yourself in all kinds of places: shop windows, sunglass lenses, a lake and yes! even a doorknobs! The flat surfaces give you a pretty accurate reflection but something like a doorknob creates a “funhouse mirror” effect. The picture is distorted! With our actual reflection, the distortion is obvious. However, as we reach for the door of opportunity, that distortion can cause us to pull our hand back and walk away.
No one sees us 100% objectively, even ourselves. Looks, personality, talent, etc. are seen through deletions, distortions, incomplete information and bias. Yet, we like to believe that when dealing with ourselves we have a clear picture of who we are. Going back to the “funhouse mirror” analogy, we exaggerate many of our qualities for better or worse. During times of higher stress, like an opportunity that we value, there is a tendency to distort with a negative mirror. Humans are built to protect ourselves from dangers. Therefore we tend to see the threat rather than the reward. The doorknobs to opportunities are bound to reflect many of our faults related to the endeavor. If it’s a romantic situation, we’ll see how unattractive, boring and undesirable we are. In a business context, our lack of experience, talent or resources will shine through. Our brains are trying to protect us! That’s it’s job! Now you need to decide if the distortion is protecting or undercutting you.
Since I don’t know you, I can’t say whether or not you should ignore the doorknob or not. However, I will say that if you’re close enough to the opportunity to see yourself falling short, could you also see yourself succeeding? If so, then maybe it’s time to burst through that door! The regret from leaving things untried and undone is far worse that the regret of coming up short.
“Don’t grow up!” I remember it pretty plainly. At the Stewart’s Restaurant in Newark, NJ, the man behind the counter gave this advice to me when I was possibly 10 years old. He was adamant enough that it stuck. Although I’m not sure, he couldn’t have been much more than 20 years old himself. But somehow the life of an adult had already gotten him down and he needed to dispense some “knowledge.” He’d made up his mind about adult life and resisting the pull of age was his answer. For years, I’ve wavered back and forth on this thought and might go back again. However for today, with the tune by Paramore in my head, I’m thinking that he was wrong! Being an adult is “fun!”
Or at least it can be if you’re willing to take on the right mindset. The juxtaposition of childhood and adulthood is one that I deal with regularly as a teacher. I’ve often told young people that being an adult requires two main things that have nothing to do with age. The first is responsibility for your actions. It’s on you! The second is realizing that you don’t know everything. I know plenty of people over 30 who aren’t quite adults yet. They are on the Stewart’s guy program!
There is another option though! Embrace it! The bills, the boss, the responsibility and the uncertainty of so many things. Ain’t it fun? Children look at the life of adults with awe because of the freedom, while adults look back on their childhood with a desire to be that carefree again. Perhaps there is a way to meet in the middle and enjoy it! Both positions see the other as more “free.” If you’re reading this, it’s unlikely that you’re under 15. So who is the warden and where are the walls/bars/guards? In the world that we live in, there is so much freedom that we have created a large portion of what holds us captive. The shackles of travel speed, communication reach, access to information, etc. have been undone but we find the walls of anxiety, pressure and lack anyway. Our ancestors would look at us like we were fucking nuts! But that’s partially my point. The human experience is difficult to embrace in the moment. We’re better at missing what’s past or longing for what’s coming. So again, the question “ain’t it fun?“
Hell yes it is! Even the shit of the worst day has either the ability to fertilize the next moment of greatness or a story to tell a friend later. “Neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so!” -Uncle Billy Shakes. Let’s do our best then to make it better than we did before! You can’t stop time and we can’t go back yet! So make it fun now! Even when it’s not because it all belongs to you. Life hands you a lot of the ingredients but if you want to top your experience off with shit flavored mayo and “whoa is me” relish, that’s on you! So no matter how old you are, have some fun with it because now isn’t coming back!
It can be so frustrating for people! Falling short. I was raised Catholic and it was always the thing that bothered me about the prayer for the forgiveness of your sins. I had to repent for the things that I had done and the things that I had left undone. The situation was daunting because there were so many things that I had left undone. It seemed as though I would never be able to do all of the things. The truth is that I never will. There will always be more that I could have done, should have done, would have done. However time is finite and therefore I am bound to “come up short!”
Since it is unavoidable, it is not something to stress over but rather manage. Much like gravity, you can’t avoid it but anticipation of it creates opportunity. The question isn’t whether you’re going to come up short or not. YOU WILL! It’s an inevitability that on some level, a thing or an entire gaggle of things are going to be left undone. So do not concern yourself with coming up short! It’s going to happen. The concern needs to be how far you aim.
There are an infinite number of aims. Some of them will never be your target. I will never play in the NBA. It’s not my aim! Therefore, I will fall completely short on that. That should not matter. If I’m not aiming there, no matter how short I fall, it doesn’t count. However, when I’ve decided that something matters, it’s important to aim far. Break it up into pieces if you like. Make it a ten year aim. Pick something with an extremely slim chance of success. But don’t be afraid to come up short! More dreams are stillborn than die from catastrophe. So breath some life into that thing that you want because without you, it’s definitely going to come up short!
That’s not a shot against you. In the way that I’m going to characterize it, no one can win! Winning just isn’t a thing that people can do. It’s a byproduct! A result from other actions that lead to it being produced. Just like so many other things that people desire, it is not the thing to be done. Fitness, wealth, health, etc. are not actions that can be done. They are byproducts that come from a variety of other actions. Often the things that lead to these byproducts are difficult and require consistent focused effort over time. And usually the actions taken along the way aren’t inherently fun.
That’s the conundrum and the battle that we’re truly fighting. Can we put in enough effort to the difficult, mundane, hard work in order to get the result that is outside of our control? It’s so easy to just want the destination to arrive at our doorstep without putting in the hard miles. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way! We rarely get to choose the terms on anything of meaning. Sure, there are small prizes available for low prices. But those things of real value cannot be bought cheaply! Yet we want to believe that six pack abs are 7 minutes away and that lottery ticket is going to be the big difference. More than likely, those shortcuts lead nowhere but they’re enticing because all we want is the win. What if there was another way?
What if you could learn to love the work? The struggle. The time spent on the road to wherever it is that you’re going. Unlike winning, love is an action we can do and I believe it is central to a life of fulfillment. What if you could learn to love the process? And when the win showed up you kept going because that was no longer the point. The people, the time, the scenery, the smells, the characteristics of the person you’ve become. What if those were the point?
I hope you find what you’re looking for. But more importantly, I hope you also learn to enjoy the search!
It’s a scary thought if you consider it for a moment. Any of the forces of nature breaking loose from their predictable norms. Sure there is a bit of chaos in our lives at the moment. However if gravity wasn’t a constant or the sun didn’t rise, life would be exponentially more difficult. The consistencies that we experience in life, often hold us together. Their predictability is a comfort that brings understanding to our lives. However, sometimes comfort is a trap that keeps us from higher heights that could be reached.
Obviously I’m not a fan of getting rid of gravity literally. It is an extremely useful force. There are other forces in our lives that hold us down without reason or for poor reasons. Many of these are based on the choices that we make: relationships, habits, mindsets, prejudices, etc. While we do not get a choice about gravity until we’ve left the atmosphere, we can release many of these downward pulling forces. Sometimes all it takes is simple recognition. However that chaos mentioned earlier can cloud our vision from seeing the forces that need removal.
Perhaps today is the day to take stock. How many forces that are holding you in your present station are useful or by your design? Can any be released? This is a personal decision that needs consideration. For me, there is a fear that I’ve had around a certain situation and it’s probably time to let it go. It’s held onto me because I’ve held onto it. Maybe I’ll be like Charlie and his grandfather floating up to a fan that would cut them to shreds. Or maybe I’ll reap all the rewards of flight. Regardless, I’ll never know until I let go.
It’s an easily by-passed scene in the movie “Billy Madison.” After making his way through a second chance at elementary and middle school, Billy finally gets the opportunity to return to high school. In a matter of seconds, he sees that the things that used to carry weight don’t anymore. His REO Speedwagon T-shirt and Pontiac Firebird are not only worthless, they’re mock-worthy. When we think of currency, money is the first thing that jumps to mind. However there are so many other currencies and just like dollars, their value changes or ceases to exist. What are we supposed to do when the currencies that we hold so dear leave us bankrupt? It’s probably going to happen a lot soon!
So let’s consider a currency that loses it’s value almost instantaneously after it was SO important for 12-20 years: grades. Eventually, they become worthless. Especially when broken down into the smallest component pieces. No one cares about the vocabulary quiz that you took in middle school. However, they do care whether you speak intelligently or at least intelligibly. The value of the moment is put on the grade but it is truly the knowledge that has potential power but even it must be put into use. Like a seed that never finds the soil, it can also lay dormant and inert. So in this time of rapid change, disruption and uncertainty; how does one know where to invest their time and effort? If so many of our classic currencies are under scrutiny or attack, then what has value?
There is no way that I can answer that for everyone but the elemental, universal and transferable feel right. Going back to the world of money, gold tends to be valued everywhere. It may not be the best thing to own but it is elemental, universal and transferable. For each of us, we must do the introspection into our own assets. Perhaps that degree is not worth what it used to be but calligraphy skills that you possess are. Money is nothing more than a promissory note. Lots of the old promises are being broken by a wave of innovation. There is most likely no way to out compute a computer but for now, it is still possible to out human a computer. You have value saved up in the bones and brains that carry you through this world. Use them! Possibly in new ways that you never anticipated. Your money’s no good here but we’ll gladly take the seeds of greatness that you have in your back pocket.
The standard track is 400 meters. A good time for a high school runner to complete one lap is a minute or less. If a runner can keep that pace for two laps, a two minute 800 meter is pretty impressive. Four laps at that pace is worth national recognition. A marathon at that pace would smash the world record! It’s not truly about the pace. Anyone can do it for 10 meters. It’s the consistency!
We’re all capable of great things. That is for sure! The question is how long can we maintain it? In order to keep that pace for 10 laps, first you must do one. Therein lies the problem with most of us. We want the end result without the work of the preparation. Showing up when no one is watching and enduring the pain of holding out, longer and longer. It’s not for everyone especially when it comes to running. However it applies to so many things in our lives. We can intentionally show up consistently in this area or that. Do it enough times and you could be the best in the world.
At bare minimum, you can be the best in the world at being you. Consistently and intentionally show up as the best version of you. Have the recipe memorized! Have the ingredients at the ready! And turn up the heat/energy on you! The people who love that recipe will keep coming back for it if it’s consistent. Every day you have the opportunity to amaze.
The easiest things are often the wrong things. OH! How I wish this was not the truth! I’d love it if chocolate ice cream made you thinner and sitting on the couch was the key to physical fitness. Unfortunately, neither is true and so many other easy answers come up empty. While the list of easy answers is long, I only want to focus on two: giving up and hatred. Although they have a ton of company as easy answers, they may be the most problematic.
Giving up is easy because it truly is a lack of action. Doing nothing is far easier than doing something. Therefore, giving up is the ultimate in easy answers to any situation. As soon as a task becomes too difficult (or even before that point), giving up is bound to be easier than continuing. That is exactly why it is such a problem. Giving up takes no effort but it is also bound to lead to no results either. The reason that I point it out now is the pervasiveness with which I see it show up in the world. People don’t just give up, they come up with the stories and statistics to make themselves feel better possibly even justified in giving up. I get it! No one wants to feel badly, especially about themselves. However, discerning when to give up and when to “stick it out” is a muscle that needs to be developed. If the default answer is just to give up, then the “stick it out” muscle never gets developed and every endeavor of value becomes a loss.
The other easy thing is hatred. Yet again, it takes almost no effort. Hatred is a strong emotion that can drain energy but it takes no real thought or discernment. In recent years, people seem to have gotten more adept at it. Any person or group that does not align with my personal leanings and beliefs, it’s just easier to hate than understand. Curiosity and understanding take mental effort. They are not easy and require a “letting go” of your own point of view for a moment. It’s so much easier to hang onto that viewpoint and add disdain for anyone who disagrees.
The problem with both of these easy things is that neither make the world a better place when they become the status quo. Are there times to give up? Absolutely! Hatred is not an emotion that I allow myself to get to easily (if ever) but I can understand times where it feels appropriate. So the name of the game is deciding on a personal level when to use each. Hopefully we’re not too far gone with either of these. Both seem to have cultural momentum behind them and only through individual decisions can the tide be changed. We are all pieces of a larger whole. No one person can make a societal shift. However, many individual people doing the harder thing can influence change because a good example is something we can follow.
Although they can be seductive, the easiest things are not always the best things. Progress requires effort, doubt can only be removed by action and love is a far better feeling to wrap yourself in than hate. So use your best judgment! You’ve got it within you to do some harder things. Anyone that you respect or hold in high esteem has and wouldn’t you like to feel that way about you too! Self-respect and self-esteem don’t come for free! They’re not easy!
When I was a kid, I collected baseball cards. It was not a long lasting endeavor but while I was doing it, it took up a lot of my time. Since it was the pre-internet days, the value of a card wasn’t determined on Ebay. There was a magazine that came out regularly to tell you the value of the cards that you owned. Despite the “agreed upon” value of a card, there were also personal reasons to want a card: your favorite player, a set of your favorite team, etc. My most prized card was a George Foster card from when he played with the Cincinnati Reds. It wasn’t the most expensive card in the world or the most expensive that I owned. It was the most important one to me though. I bought it as an individual card because I knew that I wanted it. Most of the cards that I had were acquired in packs. It was the luck of the draw. Eventually the collection became less of a priority and collected dust in my parent’s house. I’m not sure when it was sold off but I still own all of my George Foster cards.
The description above may be recognizable to many people. The search for value in a particular area of interest. Some people enjoy the search. Others enjoy the find. The value of the items being searched through is completely subjective regardless of price tag. In the past year, I’ve felt the need to foray into a world that I didn’t expect to be in.
The world of online dating reminds me of my baseball card days but in an unsettling way. The searching part is semi-similar with the pictures, “statistics” and bios. There is a perceived value from the searcher that is based on personal preferences. The area that is most disconcerting to me is the people on the other end of this search and selection process. If I chose to put my Phil Niekro cards in the bottom of my hamster’s cage, Phil didn’t know about it nor was he upset. It’s not him, just his card. My lack of interest in his card doesn’t take anything away from him personally. However, the people on the opposite end of this search and selection process are impacted. Sometimes directly and others indirectly. Regardless, they are still people.
Most recently I’ve stared to feel like a baseball card. It’s not all of the time, just in certain instances. The baseball card feeling comes when I’ve matched with someone and then……. nothing! No communication. Just sitting there. It’s happened more than I’d like to admit. I’d like to call it ghosting but I believe that’s when communication from one side just stops. This is a strange message to send. “I like your profile enough to match but not to talk.” It seems like a bit of a waste and also discounts the person on the other end. Now I’m far from perfect. I have ghosted a few people in the past year but overall, I try to end the conversation with something. A recognition that there is a person on the other end of this equation and I know it.
As so many of our first interactions with people tend to be online, it’s easy forget people exist. Fully formed human beings who have all of the same needs for oxygen, water, food, shelter, love, etc. They are on the other end of that screen. Maybe they are not the person for you. That’s ok! Swipe left or hit the X button. There’s no shame in that. Mistakes happen too! “Whoops, I hit the ‘Super Swipe’ button with my really big thumbs!” It’s not a problem either. My standard message to end a conversation talks about it not “gaining traction” and that’s fine as well. Perhaps I’m too much of an empath and worry about those people who get effect by these things. With all of the stresses of our world, the ambiguity of not knowing where you stand seems unnecessary.
I don’t want to be a baseball card, an item to be collected but not engaged with. A lack of interest is easy to take but the uncertainty wreaks of a forgetfulness. Forgetting that we’re all humans and deserve a little better. Sure the dating world is not for the faint of heart but it also doesn’t need to be for the reckless and uncaring. We’re all in the same boat and could stand to do a little better for each other.
Huryk Unlimited 