Tag: relationships

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Invisible People

Pete Huryk

InvisibleAs a teacher, I take pride in the fact that I learn all of my students’ first and/or last name within the first three days of class.  Learning the names of over 100 people in that amount of time is not always easy but it is good for building a rapport with people.  There are plenty of tricks to acquiring information that quickly.  Unfortunately the honest truth is that I don’t remember all of the names after the year is over.  The other day a former student came to visit and it took about five minutes for me to remember her first name.  While I’m not proud of this event, I don’t feel all that badly about it either.  The information was in there but just not near the top of the filing system.  I feel much worse when I first meet someone and less than a minute later, I don’t remember their name.

There are many reasons why this happens but a major one is that new people aren’t usually important to us yet.  In English class you may remember your teacher talking about the “first person”, “second person” and “third person”.  That basically represents the way that we used to define people’s importance.  In a pre-technology world, the most important person in our lives was ‘self’.  This was followed by the people we had contact with directly.  Finally there was the rest of the world that held up that third position.  Now there is a third class of people, invisible.

Invisible people are all around us.  Of course they’re not truly invisible.  We can see them if we look hard enough.  The reason we usually don’t see them is because we’re looking at our phone, TV or tablet.  In theory these should be “third person”, people that are there but you are not directly interacting with.  The problem is that position has now been replaced by the “second person”.  These are the people that we are in direct contact with but today they are almost universally ignored in favor of the digital.  The digital second person is basically the default contact that we reach to before anyone else.  For some, it seems as though all people have become invisible people.

So this weekend, give life back to the invisible people.  Take the time to see who is there.  Engage with people you know and don’t know on human level.  Remember that a hug is better than text.  A smile is better than a like.  Time with an old friend is better than a new Facebook friend.  Technology is a tool just like a hammer.  Used correctly, both are intended to build.  Used incorrectly, both have the possibility to destroy.  Be human this weekend and visit with the invisible people.

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Love and Peanut Allergies

Pete Huryk

Peanut heartRecently I’ve given this advice to some younger people in my life, my hope is that it helps someone avoid relationship potholes.  During my college years, I dated the same girl on and off for almost three years.  We ran on a six month cycle.  Almost every six months we would have some big issue and it would end with us breaking up.  Inevitably we would get back together a few weeks or a month later.  That would start a new six month cycle.

With each breakup came a few friends or family members that would say “she was a b____!” or something like that.  I never felt comfortable with that kind of 180 degree turn.  After spending months of being “in love” with this person, how could I forget all of the positive that quickly and focus on the negative.  It just didn’t sit well with me because although obviously not a perfect fit, she did have many of the characteristics I wanted.  The problem was that I had not diagnosed my “allergies” before we started.

People with acute peanut allergies have to be extremely cautious.  Their life depends on avoiding certain substances.  People with seasonal allergies are often inconvenienced by the amount of pollen in the air.  In both cases, it is intelligent to take necessary steps to diagnose and use preventative measures.  This mode of thinking can be used very effectively for relationships as well.

I did not have a “peanut allergy” to my college girlfriend.  It was seasonal and only became pronounced in certain circumstances.  The problem was not her but the combination of us and environmental factors.  I selected someone that was going to continually provoke my “allergic” symptoms.  We very rarely get into relationships with people who cause major “allergic” reactions because like a peanut allergy, the reaction is immediate and pronounced.  So the key is to go in with a plan.

Write down a description of your perfect partner.  Take as much time and paper as you need.  Go into detail on all levels: physically, mentally and emotionally.  List all of your MUST HAVES but list your MUST NOT HAVES as well.  These are your violent allergic reactions.  SHOULD NOTS will be your seasonal allergies that may crop up from time to time.  With this list, you are more likely to diagnose problems early and make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Too often we start a relationship and “love, lust, attraction” all take hold and we no longer diagnose anything.  We go on autopilot taking in all of the good and ignoring the bad that could eventually cause major problems.  If you’re still in high school, you don’t need to do this yet.  You need some failed experiments to figure out what it is that you want in the first place.  Once you understand your “allergies” (both severe and seasonal), you’ll be able to have a better chance of finding someone for the long term.

Click HERE to tell me about your experiments and findings.

Good luck in your search.

Pete

 

 

 

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It’s Not You, It’s Me

Pete Huryk

Relationships are complex things with hundreds or possibly thousands of moving parts.  When things break down and relationships end, all parties should take stock of themselves and their part in the demise.  For some this self inspection can be difficult and painful.  Often when the end comes, the phrase is uttered “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Sometimes this may be true but if we want our next relationship to be better than the last, we cannot assume that it is.

From my own experience and watching others at the end of relationships, the tendency for many is to totally discredit the other.  “She was a b____!”  “He was such an a________.”  The problem that I’ve always had with that is, what does that say about me?  I just spent 6 months, a year or two years with this person.  Now all of the sudden, they are a horrible person.  It doesn’t make any sense.  At bare minimum, that would mean that I need to fix my selection process but rarely is that it.  The only thing that you can control is yourself.  So all of the power is in discerning our faults from the faults of the other.

If we assume that we are faultless, then we learn nothing.  It is always easiest to point the finger at the other person but it does nothing for us.  By looking at our faults, it forces us to do something about them.  This is uncomfortable but growth often is.  The reason for this failed relationship is to prepare you for the next one and eventually one that you will maintain for life.  Like so many other parts of life, it is necessary to “fail forward” in relationships.  It may not feel good at the moment but it will get us where we need to go.

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What Language Are You Speaking?

Pete Huryk

Languages are essentially agreements.  At the moment, you and I are working under the English agreement.  We both agree that you are using “eyes” to read this post and the thing that processes your thoughts about it is called a “brain”.  As my day job, I try to get young people to accept the Spanish agreement.  Over the years that I have explained this concept, I was aware that there are many variations underneath each agreement.  There is American English and Australian English but in essence they are close enough to allow communication to flow.  Today I had a thought that I may have sold the idea of variations a little bit short.

The problem with the language agreement is the same as with most contracts: the fine print.  As I was driving home, I began thinking.  If language is an agreement, why do we disagree so often?  One of the issues is that I am not exactly writing English here.   I’m writing American 39 year old moderately educated Northwest New Jersey English.  I could probably lump a few more descriptors on there but you get the point.  Does this mean that we can’t understand each other?  No, that’s not necessarily true.   The key is to recognize what language you’re really speaking and the language of the other person.

This simple shift can make your communications better with the most important people in your life.  For example, silence can mean something very different in the female language than the male.  It can also change person to person.  The key is to work to understand the other person’s language rather than assuming that your languages are compatible.