Tag: relationships

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Drops That Matter

Pete Huryk

In Spanish the idea of “dropping” an item is far less accusatory than it is in English. “Se me cayó” is the way that it can be phrased. The literal translation in English would be “It fell from me.” The blame goes to the item rather than the person. Normally “dropping” an item is an accident and therefore the Spanish version makes more sense. However in this instance, I am going to actually ask that you be deliberate. The drops that I’m going to suggest should be with purpose rather than accidental.

Drop your habits that you know are harming you – This is of course easier said than done. We become attached to our habits whether they serve us or not. Our brains like the idea of a predictable future and habits tend to deliver that. However if you don’t like something in your present, there is probably a habit that you could drop to change things for the better. Just be aware that as people drop something, they tend to pick it back up. Pick up something else!

Drop the people who are holding you back – If you thought that the first one was difficult, this one is even more so. Severing relationships is never easy. Even when we realize that people are counterproductive or even destructive in our lives, letting go is hard. So if you cannot do a full drop, put them at a distance or do your best to reduce their influence over your thoughts and feelings.

Drop some tears – Tears are a double drop because they fall down and they are little bits of water. Although there are times to put on a brave face, tears can be cathartic. They are a release, not just of liquid but of the emotions that often keep us rooted to the past. Drop the tears and possibly the memories that cause them. After the tears, learn to forgive. That doesn’t mean that what happened in now ok. It means that it has happened and you have no ability to change it. However you can moving forward give (forgive) yourself the gift of a life without the burden of the pain. Perhaps you need to forgive an enemy, a friend or even yourself. Regardless of who or what it is, the past was never meant to be an anchor. So drop it!

Drop some sweat! – Again this is a double drop and one that really matters. There’s so many reasons why the sweat might be coming from your brow but hopefully it’s due to some form of work. Lounging your forward is an unlikely remedy to anything. Most things are going to require work and probably a sweat inducing level of it. Your comfort and your conquest probably don’t live in the same zip code and THAT’S OK! It’s possible to enjoy things that create sweat. Labors of love exist and attaching your sweat to them is more than appropriate.

You don’t need to drop everything! But dropping these things intelligently can definitely help. Don’t let your life be an accident that you need to clean up later. Make it a journey that you pick up and drop off things along the way. Most people and things are not going to be with you for the long haul and that’s ok. Just give some thought to the load that you’re carrying.

Dropping anchor!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Not Sure How We Got Here

Pete Huryk

The beauty of movies, history books and our memories is that they are an incomplete record of occurrences that portray themselves as complete. A narrative can be created that is streamlined and economical. It can overlook unimportant routines like brushing one’s teeth or less public friendly activities. Also it allows for missteps, mistakes and blunders to be overlooked in favor of the favorable outcomes. This does not just make for better stories. It makes for better futures because we tend to forget how nervous we were on that date that ended up going well. We also tend to give our own actions a bit more credit than they possibly deserve. A bit fortunate timing or circumstance may have played into the success that we claim for ourselves.

The problem is that the reverse is also true. Our failures tend to belong to us. We erase or edit the factors that we had little to no control over in favor of our faults. There is also a tendency to make stories have an end that comes in a reasonable timeline. Failing at diet or relationship can seem like a finished story but even movies have sequels. There is no reason why trying again is off the table. Usually it is not due to a lack of opportunity but rather a lack of desire to fail again.

Regardless of who you are, there is a backstory that has brought you here. Most of it doesn’t matter. You’ve already edited most of it out. So as you move forward be ready, willing and able to recognize those moments that will end up cut from the final story. You don’t need to be perfect. None of us is! You are doing the exact same thing as everyone else. Trying to progress through your story. At this very second, you are existing due to mixture of intent, luck, fortune, misfortune, laziness, etc. Do your utmost to step forward into this day and make it memorable in the best possible way. While also keeping in mind that if does not live up to that billing, it will probably be forgotten. Often we do not have any clue what days are going to be memorable or not, so do the best that you can with the ones that you’re given.

Action!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Man of Golden Words

Pete Huryk

Music has always been a big part of my life. Different songs have become the soundtrack to years or even decades. Some hang on even longer than that and speak almost directly to something inside. One of those songs was written by Andrew Wood. An artist that died before I even heard any of his music but his impact on me and the musical landscape lingers on. He was the lead singer of a band called Mother Love Bone which almost directly preceded Pearl Jam. In addition to that, he was the roommate of Chris Cornell who reportedly the song “Man of Golden Words” is about.

It’s a relatively simple song with mainly piano and guitar played behind lyrics that are repetitive but poignant. Admittedly, Wood and I could not be more different. The reason that you’ve most likely never heard of him or Mother Love Bone is that he died of an overdose before his band could ride the wave of the Seattle music scene in the 1990s. Probably his greatest link to fame is his former bandmates who formed Pearl Jam and a tribute “band” called Temple of the Dog which is a lyric from this song. Despite his untimely demise, his impact was undeniable on the scene of the time and on individuals like myself thirty plus years later.

Each of us has within us both the propensity to give gifts that are more meaningful than they should be and also receive the same. The man of golden words doesn’t truly live because his words are not golden to everyone. Someone will read this and take the impetus to listen to the song and not hear what I hear. AND THAT’S OK! It’s not the catalyst for them but for me it has been and continues to be a form of rocket fuel for my soul. I put things out into the world regularly with my students, through this blog and other places simply in the hope that one person might have that golden words moment. We all need them! The world is often unforgiving and at the moment, it seems to take more energy than it gives. These gifts that we can put out into the world for others to find are so extremely important. It doesn’t need to be a song or a piece of art or anything more than sharing a moment with someone that lifts them up. The idea of being stingy with what you have is common place because you might not get back what you put out. I can never give back to Andrew Wood what he has given to me but I can pay it forward.

There are other souls in this world who are in need of golden words because they are hurting or just disillusioned. Our species is not defined simply by our flesh and blood. If it were, we’d have gone extinct long ago because we are mediocre animals. The thing that separates us is the ability to put meaning to things far beyond what is true. We elevate our thoughts and ourselves to heights that we should not be able to reach. However we do it regularly when we are inspired. Each of us has the ability to give and receive these types of gifts. Look for them and don’t be afraid to give them, even when you’ll never know the recipient.

Words and music, my only tools!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

How’s It Going To Be?

Pete Huryk

It’s one of those moments that I can go back to in an instant. Sitting in an airplane with my best friend next to me. We had just spent a month at the World Cup. Five games and a variety of different adventures gave us memories for a lifetime but we were exhausted. We were close but maybe too close for a bit too long. The return to the States was a dissent from an exciting dream world to an uncertain reality. I was literally and figuratively up in the air. Living arrangements, relationship, school, work, etc. None were on solid ground. With my portable CD player resting on my leg, I kept playing the songs from the Third Eye Blind album. Feeling completely out of control and the question, “How’s it going to be?” blasting into my ears. The events that followed are much less interesting than the moment in time.

We’ve all been there on one level or another. Life tends to throw just enough at us in key moments to check if we are paying attention or possibly in need of a shake up. Most of the time, we spend our lives in a quasi equilibrium of our own creation. Our days tend to look similar. We tend to be similar. But everything is changing, even if it is at an imperceptible rate. It is only during these big upheavals that we become concerned with “How’s it going to be?”

The simple answer to the question is that it will be fine. No matter the circumstance, people have an amazing ability to regain their balance. A more important question is “How can you make it be?” In a period of unrest, when all of the pieces of your life are scattered in some way, is it best to put it back together how it was? Or is that disarray the perfect time to reconfigure, reconstruct and strengthen? No one wishes for hard times but they are exactly what makes us who we are. Whether you’re in one of those uncertain times or not, it’s time to make things better! You’re not going to know “How it’s going to be?” until you get there. So for now, you need to focus on making it all that it can be.

Keep your eyes forward, even the third one!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Right Now!

Pete Huryk

It’s 9:09pm! That’s similar to something that my teenage self wrote in every yearbook that I signed. The first page of our annual had the title to the popular Van Halen song at the top. As a wise-cracking teenager, I took the opportunity to point out only the time that I signed, not realizing that the moment for me to make a true mark was possibly passing me by. It’s part of being a teenager in so many ways. The desire for the next step while discounting the one that you are on in the moment. Most likely it is inherent to that time in life because a lack of experience and loss lends itself toward being frivolous without regret.

Right now! is a different time. The years have built up so much in the rearview mirror that I’ve been forced to know that 5 years in the future is tomorrow. So grasping onto the moment is a skill that needs to be developed. A white knuckle grip on the things that really matter becomes the order of the day. Like catching river water with your bare hands, it’s futile to expect that you’re going to be able to hang onto anything but enjoying the feeling as it flows past is probably the point. I’m definitely not very skilled at it. Often I lose myself in the trivial but also try to make the mundane magical. None of this is a superpower or cause for special attention. It is merely the state of being an older human who has made the realization.

The realization is that RIGHT NOW is all that you get. There is nothing else. Your past is an accumulation of old right nows that you’ve distorted. While the future is an infinite field of possible right nows that won’t turn into anything until the moment that you get there. So do what you can with it because you’re not going to get another one just like this. Even if your days seem like they are repeat, that’s your opportunity to pull yourself back into the moment. It’s all you get.

What are you waiting for?

Pete

RIGHT NOW!

Don’t want to wait ’til tomorrow
Why put it off another day?
One more walk through problems
Built-up and stands in our way, ahOne step ahead, one step behind me
Now you gotta run to get even
Make future plans or dream about yesterday, hey
C’mon turn, turn this thing around, hey
It’s your tomorrow
(Right now),
C’mon, it’s everything
(Right now),
Catch a magic moment, do it
Right here and now
It means everythingMiss the beat, you lose the rhythm
And nothing falls into place, no
Only missed by a fraction
Slipped a little off your pace, ohThe more things you get, the more you want
Just trade in one for the other
Workin’ so hard, to make it easier, whoa
Got to turn, c’mon turn this thing around, hey
It’s your tomorrow
(Right now)
C’mon, it’s everything
(Right now)
Catch that magic moment, do it
Right here and now
It means everything
It’s enlightened me, right now
What are you waitin’ for?
Oh, yeah, right now, hey
It’s your tomorrow
(Right now)
C’mon, it’s everything
(Right now)
Catch that magic moment, and do it right, right now
Oh, right now
It’s what’s happening
Right here and now
Right now
It’s right now
Oh
Tell me, what are you waiting for?
Turn this thing around

Blogpost, self-reliance

I D-TECT a problem!

Pete Huryk

It is so funny to me at times that life exists in such duality. Humans are odd creatures who desire two things at once and finding a balance within them is difficult. We want things like certainty about our lives but as soon as we know what is going to happen regularly, we get bored! Uncertainty is another desire that we value. In our relationships, we want connection and togetherness but if you’ve ever spent too much time with someone, you know that space is also necessary. So it is unfortunate that I must state very plainly that GRATITUDE for what you have is an absolute superpower. However desire is also necessary to move someone forward which creates a bit of friction with the idea of being grateful. This friction is most likely not a problem because friction makes the world more functional rather than slippery.

Keeping this duality in mind, I’m going to use the same acronym to help people who are stuck in the hamster wheel looking for “success” while also speaking to those are content but know there’s more out there. The silly acronym is D-TECT.

D – is for DECIDE. Decide to be thankful for all that you have. This is not particularly easy but it is a necessary step. Even the “problems” in your life are probably worth being thankful for at some point. Either your problems are a better version of challenge than other people’s. OR this obstacle that you deride is actually making you a better version of yourself.

D – is also for DIRECTION. If you don’t have all that you seek in this world, its is very possible that you have not defined a direction with laser-like accuracy. You have preferences but haven’t really settled on that thing that you really want. Hitting a target is impossible if you don’t know what it is. Being surprised by your desire is possible but its impact will be less because you didn’t actually do anything to pursue it.

T – TAKE STOCK! It can be extremely easy to lose sight of all that you have. Our minds instinctively tend to ignore the familiar or at least value it slightly less. Unless there is some consistent reminder to bring all of our blessings into focus, they can get overlooked.

T – TIME is a necessary ingredient to any endeavor. In our next day shipping culture, it can be easy to forget that things of value often take time. It’s so obvious yet often forgotten. People want results yesterday and it can be frustrating to wait for things that we desire. However that price of time is one of the prerequisites for achievement that will feel like it has value.

E – ENJOY the simple things. Beauty, meaning, joy, etc. can be found in the most common of places. However if we do not take the time to enjoy the moments that exist in our everyday, it makes us addicted to the grandiose. Therefore our life is a series ratchets where we become less satisfied with what we are getting.

E – EFFORT is a requirement for any goal or objective but it also works as an eventual indicator of value. People tend to esteem something greater if it was difficult to attain. That’s why actions like cheating actually erode a person’s self-esteem over time because even though they attained the desired outcome, it came without the necessary effort.

C – COMPARE? This is a bit dangerous for creating gratitude. I’ve heard it said before that “comparison is the thief of joy” and I fully understand the sentiment. Therefore it is important that comparison be used to uplift rather than drag down. No matter who you are, there is always someone who has got it better and someone who has it worse. Seeing yourself on a spectrum can help to underly the fact that you have a lot to be thankful for.

C – CONSISTENCY is a crucial part of any endeavor of meaning. Anyone can do the necessary thing once. It is the person who is able to consistently show up in the world with intention that is able to breakthrough. A rocket heading toward outer space requires the consistent propulsion of its engines until it breaks free of gravity’s pull. The same is true to people looking to have some form of success.

T – TRANSFORM everything in your life into something to be grateful for. This is not an easy exercise. It is difficult to look at things that you did not want with gratitude. However, most people have had the experience of seeing tragedy turn into triumph over time. The recognition that trying past events are often the ingredients to our own greatness is transformative.

T – TRACKING is a key component to the acquisition of any goal or objective. Action is a spectacular step but it is possible that your actions are moving you away from your goals. Assessing your progress or lack of it is extremely important.

I’m sure that my setup for this blog was frustrating for someone. The reason that I put each item next to its counterpart is that is how we live. At times, the need for gratitude is going to be directly juxtaposed to our ambition. Most of us do not live at the extreme of either disposition. Every day we are trying to move forward in our lives and feel fulfilled at the same time. Both are skills worth developing and honing.

Go get ’em and be grateful!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance, SoccerLifeBalance

Line the Field: Soccer Life Balance

Pete Huryk

The boundaries of the field are an essential component to the game.  They dictate exactly how much space, the team or individual has to work within.  In soccer there are well defined standards regarding the dimensions and distances for fields depending on the age and type of game to be played.  Even in practice, a coach sets up areas for players to exercise their skills within.  Setting these boundaries correctly can be the difference between players finding success or failure. 

While the lines on the field are usually some color of paint put onto grass (real or otherwise), the lines on the field of your life are much more metaphorical.  They are the boundaries that you set up for yourself in a variety of ways.  They are the limits that you put on yourself regarding what you are capable of, what you will and won’t do morally, your “comfort zone” and many other versions of mental models.  The first thing to recognize is that some of these “fields” have been lined by other people in your life. You need to decide (eventually) whether or not to move or even get rid of the lines on these fields.

Even though we’re all playing the same game of life, some people have boxed themselves into a small space. Others seems to have almost no boundaries whatsoever. The thing that we must realize on some level is that they are mostly arbitrary. We can decide to change the boundaries: geography, relationships, habits, attitudes, beliefs and rules. Sure there are societal boundaries that we live by but mostly we draw the lines for our own lives. Are the lines that you’ve drawn for yourself allowing you to play the game in the way that you want? If not, then redraw them. No one else can do it. It’s your game and your field. Don’t play on a postage stamp.

Pete
 

Blogpost, self-reliance

All That You Don’t See

Pete Huryk

It’s that time of year where I have a list of Christmas movies that I and most people watch. Although there are several on the list, the most important is “It’s a Wonderful Life.” There are some young people who have probably not even seen this classic but it is by far my favorite. A few of the reasons that it may not be as popular in the modern era are as follows. It progresses slowly. There are none of the traditional characters that you hear about in songs regularly. Although it is a Christmas movie, only a small amount of the story has to do with Christmas at all. Despite all of these facts, it is still my favorite because of its enduring messages. Some are said quite plainly but it’s possible that you might have missed a few because they are subtle.

“No man is poor who has friends” – This is the most obvious to viewers of the movie because it is stated very plainly at the end. However throughout the film, George Bailey does not notice all the lives that he has impacted. So he sees himself as a failure, poor and worthless. His main measure for himself is financial and by that measure, he believes he failed. This message is extremely important today and will continue to be. People discount themselves regularly because their self-assessment discounts their true value.

“Greatness in not a solo act” – Mary (Hatch) Bailey is the unsung hero of the film. Why she fell for George when she came back from school is a bit of a mystery in my eyes. However it is evident that she is the support system upon which any success that he has is built. From salvaging their honeymoon, fixing up their rundown house and finally saving George’s financial future twice, Mary is truly the one that makes George who he is. The scene where she is shown as an “old maid” is unlikely. Mary was great and would have made Sam Wainwright or another guy equally great. In my humble opinion, Mary gets slightly overlooked and that’s not just because I have a crush on Donna Reed.

“The hardest person to forgive is yourself” – This one doesn’t slap you in the face but it is there. Whether George Bailey himself, Violet Bick or Uncle Billy; forgiveness is relatively straightforward when it comes to others. Forgiving one’s self for things that were done or left undone is a tricky business. Other people get a little more slack than we generally give to ourselves. Perhaps it is because we know our every thought and action that we are less generous. Or maybe we overestimate our ability to be perfect. Regardless, it is there and forgiving ourselves is usually the right thing to do. Especially when it is something that we would easily forgive another for doing.

Although this movie may not have Santa, claymation or great special effects, it is my perfect Christmas movie. It directly or indirectly reminds people about what is truly important at this or any time of the year. Our time in this world is short and it’s easy to lose focus on the most important things. So these subtle reminders will hopefully keep them at the top of our mind for a little while at least.

Enjoy this time with the people who are important to you!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Being from New Jersey is a Superpower

Pete Huryk

Anyone who is not from New Jersey, just thought, “Makes sense, lots of super heroes get their powers from toxic waste!” I can appreciate the humor about my home state which I learned in my late teens is referred to as the “Armpit of America.” If you’re not from New Jersey, poking fun at us is easy and I’ll get to the other forty-nine states in just a moment. For now, I’m going to point out some of the better aspects of being from the “Garden State.”

  1. New Jersey is small. Not Delaware small but small enough that being from NJ means something. Sure the North Jersey/South Jersey thing exists (does Central Jersey exist?) but overall being from New Jersey is an identity.
  2. New York City is right next door. Living in the almost literal shadow of probably the most important cities in the world, puts a bit of a chip on one’s shoulder. People from New York State can associate themselves with the City easily. Much to my chagrin, we have multiple sports teams that take the City name but are in NJ. The owners either want the cachet or are embarrassed by their location. Either way, it breeds a little brother mentality that serves our residents well.
  3. The Turnpike, Newark Airport, the Parkway and Jersey Shore (TV show) are usually the first things that pop to people’s minds about NJ. While they are all eyesores in their own right, they do a perfect job of embodying the Jersey persona. “You don’t know me, until you know me.” People discount an entire state based on the worst of what we have to offer and that’s generally ok with us. Most of the people that I know from NJ are extremely tight with “their people” and a bit suspicious of outsiders. It’s not that we’re unfriendly. It’s more that you need to put in the time to get to know us. We have it all but get dismissed easily because people can’t be bothered.
  4. Pork Roll or Taylor Ham? Not only do we have a meat that is pretty unique to our area. We also fight amongst ourselves about what it’s called. In all honesty it’s a tissue vs Kleenex thing but I’ll move on. Being unique comes in all kinds of packages, even a little bag of meat. But that uniqueness probably comes with a bit of heritage. A tip of the cap to the people that have come before because even though we’re not always nice, respect seems to be a big deal.

If you’ll notice, none of these is particularly positive on their own. They are generalizations that are presented with a positive slant. Is being from New Jersey truly a superpower? Not really. Each person needs to decide to look at the ingredients of who they are and choose to look at those component pieces as positive or negative. Being overlooked can destroy someone, unless it doesn’t and they use it to make them stronger.

No matter what state you’re from! Even if you’re from Pennsylvania and you’re driving in the left lane going 55 (damnit!), having superpowers or weaknesses is a choice. Who you are is an advantage, if you figure out how to make it one. There’s nothing particularly special about being from anywhere. Nothing in the water is going to make you awesome, it might give you cancer, but you need to tell yourself a story about your greatness. Then go out and tell the rest of the world. Being from New Jersey is not enough but it’s not a bad start!

Exit 19 off of Route 80!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

I Was a Bad Homecoming Date

Pete Huryk

In my junior year of high school, I got asked to the homecoming dance by a senior in my trigonometry class. She was a really nice person that I got along with but I didn’t navigate the concept of going as her date well. Everything from showing up separately to only spending the very beginning of the dance with her, I was a pretty crappy date. As a foolish high schooler, it was easy enough to justify in my head and also distract myself with other people. At this point, it is barely even a memory other than the fact that I was not a good date. The Crosby, Stills and Nash song “Love the One You’re With” tends to remind me of this situation. Not because a teenage version of me should have “loved” the one I was with. At bare minimum, I should have either had the courage to say no or live up to my side of the bargain. This discussion of high school regret is not all about self-flagellation.

Not actually from the dance in question. This was a Christmas dance freshman year. I think I was an ok date for this one.

Our lives are filled with options. We have an almost infinite number of choices that we make through our lifetimes. In the time that we live, it is easier than ever to look at other people’s situations with envy. Social media is filled with lives that seem to be photoshopped to look perfect and they mainly are. The downtimes and troubles are rarely on display. So it can be easy to wish that you had a different “date” at the dance of life. Fortunately (in my opinion) you don’t get to trade and you need to “love the one you’re with.”

The beauty of this date that you have is that they are not stagnant. They can get better with time. However it is up to you to make your “date” better. The only way to improve your “date” is to be a better version of yourself. If you’re not happy with how it’s going, you’re the one who has to change. You don’t get to “trade up”! This is the one that you’ve got. So love the one that you’ve got while always trying to get better at dancing, conversing, relating and loving. No one else is going to steal you away! You’re all you’ve got and that’s a great thing!

Be a good date!

Pete