Tag: humanity

Blogpost, self-reliance

The “Do Over”

Pete Huryk

Considering the reduced amount of free play with kids today, I’m not sure if it exist but in our playground games there was sometimes reasons for a “do over”. Some of them were legitimate but more often it was a way for someone to cover up their own error. It’s exactly the type of thing that you would expect kids to invent. Kicking, hitting, throwing a ball or doing some other activity is often difficult for young kids. Having to worry about other added variables creates less chance for success. So they give the kids (especially younger and less experienced ones) another chance. Other than policing abuse, having the do over built into a game can make for a better experience.

The do over rarely exists in adult life because we know that even a repeated attempt is a new experience. Our world is also not built upon “being fair” or people’s feelings. Life’s not fair, GET USED TO IT! It may not feel good but it’s usually true. We need to take opportunities when they are given to us and live with the results. That’s the place where an adult do over might be helpful.

Generally when results don’t go our way in the adult world, we tend to beat ourselves up about all of the places that we went wrong. This tends to be a downward spiral that is neither productive nor good for the self-esteem/self-confidence. What if we took the time to give ourselves a “do over”? A mental repeat but changing actions until a more favorable outcome came our way. “Where did it go wrong?” and “How could I have gotten it right?” are much more valuable questions than repeating “I’m such a f%$#ing idiot” 43,265 times. Perhaps in the ashes of that colossal dumpster fire, you’ll find some diamonds that are worth picking up and carrying forward!

No one’s going to give you a do over. You need to create it!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

You Never Know What’s Going to Stick

Pete Huryk

In college I visited Ecuador where I heard the leader of the Cañari tribe speak about a variety of topics. One of the areas that she touched upon was their belief system around death. They tended not to mourn death but rather celebrate it as a part of the life cycle. So it was celebrated rather than viewed as a loss. That idea resonated with my 21 year old self and I tended not to cry during funerals or upon hearing about someone’s passing. The one major exception to this was when my dog, Kelme, died. I balled uncontrollably and the memory of it will always stick with me. He was very sick and need to be put down but even at his worst, he was still attentive to me. Trying to lick my face as he had always done. In the moment that he passed, he put his head down on the table and he tongue stuck out in one last show of affection. There are plenty of other details that I’m sure are gone but that memory has the ability to bring me to tears in an instant.

Kelme in his last few days.

Memories are far from perfect. They are at best half truth. We erase far more than we remember, emphasize things that we value heavily and only have one perspective to take in. Despite all of the self-serving mechanism, it’s still possible to get surprised by what sticks. I never imagined that my dog’s tongue sticking out in his last moment would be one of my most poignant memories. Yet here I am, typing through watery eyes based on a decade old memory. We don’t always get to choose what will be important to us. I had a very well designed belief system around mourning that lasted through two grandparents and other relations. Yet it was undone easily by a 30 pound animal. Because we just don’t always know.

The scripts that we create for ourselves inside of our heads can seem perfect. We know what we want from the world and how it should play out. Then the world gets its vote on how things are going to go. Despite our best intentions, sometimes we have to relent and accept that something got in that we didn’t expect. I truly believe that those things get in for a reason. Our plan for ourselves is not always as complete as we’d like to believe. Sometimes other forces intervene. I don’t exactly know why Kelme’s death affected me how it did, but I’m glad that it did.

“Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

My Lazy Eye

Pete Huryk

We all have our imperfections. One of mine is my “lazy eye” that’s actually not the medical term for what it is but it’s a functional description. Generally it happens when I’m tired, my one eye will just lose focus and move to the side. It’s something that I’ve had for so long that I don’t give it too much thought. From time to time, I’ll point it out in my classes. Not because I want encourage ridicule but in the hope that other people won’t be so concerned about their own imperfections.

Owning up to all that you are is difficult. We are weird, inconsistent, preoccupied and insecure beings. Some people have the strategy of covering up all of their imperfections or at least trying to do so. Others overcompensate with strengths or outlandishness. I’m not really in a position to judge. None of this easy! Sitting inside of our own skin and feeling comfortable there is a full time job. Meditate, compensate, communicate, love your mate…. (Go INXS!) They are all viable options but finding one that works in all situations is tough.

The world is not always going to celebrate you for exactly who you are. However there are times and places where your imperfections are exactly what’s needed. Recognize and lean into those because your chances of generalized acceptance of your oddities is probably not on the horizon. Don’t be the fish who keeps trying to climb a tree! The world is probably never going to love you, it doesn’t do that for anyone. However there’s a possibility that you could love yourself and a lot of other people would too! Lazy eye and all!

F%&$ing Alexa was playing this song this morning and it was catchy enough to force me to write this post.

Pete

Blogpost, posh

Locked Out

Pete Huryk

In a world where we can communicate with anyone globally in an instant, it’s odd to think that we have trouble reaching ourselves. It is almost as if our freedom of communication with others has locked us out of reaching inside as freely. For years now, I’ve suggested to people that they not sleep near their device nor use it for the first 30 minutes of the day. The reason for this is to allow time to decide your own priorities before the feed from your Insta, Snap, Twitter, Facebook or even your email gets its claws into you. It’s easy to think that you’re just checking on what’s going on but usually you’re giving up the reigns of your focus to people who may not care much about you.

It’s easy to blame social media or greedy companies that want to usurp your attention and dollars. Unfortunately, that situation isn’t bound to change any time soon. Even before the technological upheaval of the past few decades, people were giving away their attention to the unimportant long before the internet or cellphones came along. To be honest, distraction isn’t even fully what I’m worried about. It’s being locked away from the things that you truly want.

Each of us has potential beyond our reckoning but the things that we allow ourselves to believe as possible are often disappointing. The extreme of this is the “I can’t” that is attached to normal things. “I can’t get in shape!” “I can’t find the time!” “I can’t find get a break!” Language and thought processes lock the person out of something that’s more than likely within their reach. It’s not REALITY. It is just their reality formed from a variety of things. Possibly past experience but more than likely, it is just easier to believe that something is impossible than to try.

So don’t lock yourself out! You have what it takes to do whatever you set your mind to. For now, you need to decide what you want. Then break it down into smaller pieces and give yourself enough reasons to go after it. VCR Most of the prisons that people are living in are self-made and invisible. The bars are nothing more than a lack of vision.

“Grab your things I’m going to take you home!”

Pete

Blogpost

Fill In the Gaps

Pete Huryk

The best ideas are not particularly the most complex. They also don’t particularly need to come from philosophers or physicists. Simple and usable is far better than complex and unattainable. So when considering the best people to ruminate on relationships, the fictitious boxer, Rocky Balboa, is not a name that springs to mind for most. However, in an offhanded comment in a meat freezer, he explains some of why we are drawn to particular people and keep them in our lives.

Paulie: I don’t see it. What’s the attraction?
Rocky: I don’t know. Fills gaps, I guess.
Paulie: What’s ‘gaps’?
Rocky: I dunno, gaps. She’s got gaps, I got gaps. Together, we fill gaps. I dunno.

It’s easy to get distracted by Rocky punching a side of beef after this conversation. However, in this short exchange with his future brother in law, he is profound in his reading of the human condition.

None of us is a perfect person. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Despite the fact that we can’t achieve perfection, most of us look to improve or diversify our experience. Discovering new territory and finding new/unique ways of looking at the world is something that we’re built for. Often it is the people that we surround ourselves with that help pull us forward into the void or push us beyond our comfort zone or makes us feel secure due to their strengths being different. Fill the gaps.

Most relationships don’t last for a lifetime. People come in and out of our lives like seasons. Some last for decades and others for much shorter. It’s important to recognize those people who fill the gaps because no matter how long they are in your life, they’re not here forever. Do your best to be present in the time that you have and be thankful that you had it. Some people are too busy covering up the fact that they have gaps to let anyone in.

Not a perfect person!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Overlap of Heroes

Pete Huryk

It turns out that two of my heroes actually crossed paths. Teddy Roosevelt was presenting at an awards assembly where a young Dr. Seuss was supposed to receive an medal for selling war bonds. Unfortunately for the future author, he was last in line. For some reason there was one award missing. The very brusque former President asked “What’s this boy doing here?” A very embarrassed Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss’ real name) scurried off the stage and developed a fear of making public appearances. It was neither man’s best moment.

The thing about heroes is that we often want to see them a perfect, indestructible or superhuman. They are none of the above and are just as human as the rest of us. Foibles, failures and fractures happen to all human beings regardless of the esteem that they accumulate throughout their lives. Although they feel their own imperfection, the rest of the world tends to heap a status of extraordinary upon them. The part of that word to focus on is the “ordinary”. That’s all that they are with a bit of extra focus, extra care, extra work, extra creativity or extra effort. Otherwise they are just like the rest of us.

It’s so much easier isn’t it? Seeing our heroes as superhuman! That perspective lets us off the hook. If we see that we overlap with them in so many simple ways, perhaps the spectacular is right at our fingertips. Could it be that all we are missing is that little bit extra? Possibly! Maybe the fear isn’t that we’re not as good but that we’re capable of the same and we don’t want the expectation that comes with extraordinary. Whether you want to believe it or not, you overlap with heroes. Can you become your own?

See where extra takes you today!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Visits to Southport (A Reflection on Reflecting)

Pete Huryk

On my drive to the beach from Atlanta, my route took me closer to Southport, NC than I’ve been in years. It was once a place that I visited annually. Despite being the backdrop for several famous movies, I went to this very picturesque spot for the conversation. Each year I would go to Southport and meet my former professor for lunch and talk about our lives. Although he was no longer grading me and never would have said a negative thing about my life choices, I always used it as a measuring stick to decide whether or not I’d used my year well. If I was proud of the things that I had to tell him, then it was a good year. If I felt that I needed to avoid some less than proud moments, then I might have work to do before our next meeting.

The great thing about these little check-ins was that I recognized it and looked forward to it. There is no doubt that I loved and respected my mentor. That was what made our meetings so very special. Rather than bringing home a report card to show a letter grade, I got to tell my story to someone who truly wanted me to succeed while always knowing whether or not I was editing. It was a gift worth its weight in gold because between my story, his reactions and our discourse, I saw myself. It wasn’t a 100% accurate picture. More like one of those carnival mirrors that distorts your shape. This was a reflection of a realistically idealized version of myself that can be found most abundantly in parents and teachers. The people who see you as you are but also better than you are. They forgive your shortcomings while seeing your potential and possibly give you some credit for it before you reach it.

Unfortunately, those meetings are no longer available to me with that particular mentor. The world and I truly lost something when he passed on. Now I need to look at myself without him and wonder. What would he think of how I am handling this moment in time? If we were at the Provision Company having lunch, would I be squirming in my seat or relaxed in my skin? It’s not an overly difficult exercise to do on my own. He would be supportive and offer his bits of wisdom but avoid being too “preachy” and it would all circle back to Don Quixote somehow. At the moment, I just miss my friend.

Mirrors are a spectacular tool for seeing yourself as you are. Friends and mentors are sometimes a better tool for seeing the best version of yourself. When you find one that truly shows you the best things about yourself, I hope that you recognize it as I did. It is such a gift while you have it and it won’t last forever. So cherish it. You’ll never look so good as you do in the eyes of someone who truly loves you!

We are human storytellers.

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

The Drops That Matter

Pete Huryk

In Spanish the idea of “dropping” an item is far less accusatory than it is in English. “Se me cayó” is the way that it can be phrased. The literal translation in English would be “It fell from me.” The blame goes to the item rather than the person. Normally “dropping” an item is an accident and therefore the Spanish version makes more sense. However in this instance, I am going to actually ask that you be deliberate. The drops that I’m going to suggest should be with purpose rather than accidental.

Drop your habits that you know are harming you – This is of course easier said than done. We become attached to our habits whether they serve us or not. Our brains like the idea of a predictable future and habits tend to deliver that. However if you don’t like something in your present, there is probably a habit that you could drop to change things for the better. Just be aware that as people drop something, they tend to pick it back up. Pick up something else!

Drop the people who are holding you back – If you thought that the first one was difficult, this one is even more so. Severing relationships is never easy. Even when we realize that people are counterproductive or even destructive in our lives, letting go is hard. So if you cannot do a full drop, put them at a distance or do your best to reduce their influence over your thoughts and feelings.

Drop some tears – Tears are a double drop because they fall down and they are little bits of water. Although there are times to put on a brave face, tears can be cathartic. They are a release, not just of liquid but of the emotions that often keep us rooted to the past. Drop the tears and possibly the memories that cause them. After the tears, learn to forgive. That doesn’t mean that what happened in now ok. It means that it has happened and you have no ability to change it. However you can moving forward give (forgive) yourself the gift of a life without the burden of the pain. Perhaps you need to forgive an enemy, a friend or even yourself. Regardless of who or what it is, the past was never meant to be an anchor. So drop it!

Drop some sweat! – Again this is a double drop and one that really matters. There’s so many reasons why the sweat might be coming from your brow but hopefully it’s due to some form of work. Lounging your forward is an unlikely remedy to anything. Most things are going to require work and probably a sweat inducing level of it. Your comfort and your conquest probably don’t live in the same zip code and THAT’S OK! It’s possible to enjoy things that create sweat. Labors of love exist and attaching your sweat to them is more than appropriate.

You don’t need to drop everything! But dropping these things intelligently can definitely help. Don’t let your life be an accident that you need to clean up later. Make it a journey that you pick up and drop off things along the way. Most people and things are not going to be with you for the long haul and that’s ok. Just give some thought to the load that you’re carrying.

Dropping anchor!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Man of Golden Words

Pete Huryk

Music has always been a big part of my life. Different songs have become the soundtrack to years or even decades. Some hang on even longer than that and speak almost directly to something inside. One of those songs was written by Andrew Wood. An artist that died before I even heard any of his music but his impact on me and the musical landscape lingers on. He was the lead singer of a band called Mother Love Bone which almost directly preceded Pearl Jam. In addition to that, he was the roommate of Chris Cornell who reportedly the song “Man of Golden Words” is about.

It’s a relatively simple song with mainly piano and guitar played behind lyrics that are repetitive but poignant. Admittedly, Wood and I could not be more different. The reason that you’ve most likely never heard of him or Mother Love Bone is that he died of an overdose before his band could ride the wave of the Seattle music scene in the 1990s. Probably his greatest link to fame is his former bandmates who formed Pearl Jam and a tribute “band” called Temple of the Dog which is a lyric from this song. Despite his untimely demise, his impact was undeniable on the scene of the time and on individuals like myself thirty plus years later.

Each of us has within us both the propensity to give gifts that are more meaningful than they should be and also receive the same. The man of golden words doesn’t truly live because his words are not golden to everyone. Someone will read this and take the impetus to listen to the song and not hear what I hear. AND THAT’S OK! It’s not the catalyst for them but for me it has been and continues to be a form of rocket fuel for my soul. I put things out into the world regularly with my students, through this blog and other places simply in the hope that one person might have that golden words moment. We all need them! The world is often unforgiving and at the moment, it seems to take more energy than it gives. These gifts that we can put out into the world for others to find are so extremely important. It doesn’t need to be a song or a piece of art or anything more than sharing a moment with someone that lifts them up. The idea of being stingy with what you have is common place because you might not get back what you put out. I can never give back to Andrew Wood what he has given to me but I can pay it forward.

There are other souls in this world who are in need of golden words because they are hurting or just disillusioned. Our species is not defined simply by our flesh and blood. If it were, we’d have gone extinct long ago because we are mediocre animals. The thing that separates us is the ability to put meaning to things far beyond what is true. We elevate our thoughts and ourselves to heights that we should not be able to reach. However we do it regularly when we are inspired. Each of us has the ability to give and receive these types of gifts. Look for them and don’t be afraid to give them, even when you’ll never know the recipient.

Words and music, my only tools!

Pete

Blogpost, self-reliance

Adults Don’t Want White Belts

Pete Huryk

In several martial arts practices, the white belt is given to the novice. The person who is just beginning their journey gets the symbol with no color to it. Mostly this is not an issue because the beginner is often a child who does not get overly concerned with status. A lack of knowledge or prestige is not a problem. It is a matter of fact. However adults tend to not want to be white belts. Not just in martial arts but in anything. They avoid the new and difficult in favor of the known and simple. It is an exercise in ego protection rather than a strategy for growth and fulfillment.

So many of the forces in our lives are counterproductive to our progress as people. Although things like friends, family, education, culture, etc. should be forces on the side of our self-actualization; they tend to come with the baggage of expectation and comparison. This tends to thwart our efforts in invisible ways. Our desire to “stay the same”, “not look foolish”, or “get good grades” tend to override our natural inclination toward discovery. Ask any kindergartener about their ability to be president, make a movie, be an astronaut, and their confidence will astound. Adults tend to only be confident when criticizing the performance of others. When faced with their own shortcomings, the subject is quickly swept under the rug.

It’s never been a better time to be a white belt! Why? Because today is all that you get. If you’re not willing to try something new today, tomorrow you’ll be even less likely to go for it. We are creatures of habit and just like anything else avoiding the new and difficult is a routine. It must be broken in order to claim the prizes on the other side of being a beginner. It is hard. It is humbling but it is necessary! So put on your white belt and try something new. At bare minimum, you’ll learn that you’re not perfect and that’s something we all need to remember from time to time.

Beginner and failure are not the same things!

Pete