The best ideas are not particularly the most complex. They also don’t particularly need to come from philosophers or physicists. Simple and usable is far better than complex and unattainable. So when considering the best people to ruminate on relationships, the fictitious boxer, Rocky Balboa, is not a name that springs to mind for most. However, in an offhanded comment in a meat freezer, he explains some of why we are drawn to particular people and keep them in our lives.
Paulie: I don’t see it. What’s the attraction? Rocky: I don’t know. Fills gaps, I guess. Paulie: What’s ‘gaps’? Rocky: I dunno, gaps. She’s got gaps, I got gaps. Together, we fill gaps. I dunno.
It’s easy to get distracted by Rocky punching a side of beef after this conversation. However, in this short exchange with his future brother in law, he is profound in his reading of the human condition.
None of us is a perfect person. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Despite the fact that we can’t achieve perfection, most of us look to improve or diversify our experience. Discovering new territory and finding new/unique ways of looking at the world is something that we’re built for. Often it is the people that we surround ourselves with that help pull us forward into the void or push us beyond our comfort zone or makes us feel secure due to their strengths being different. Fill the gaps.
Most relationships don’t last for a lifetime. People come in and out of our lives like seasons. Some last for decades and others for much shorter. It’s important to recognize those people who fill the gaps because no matter how long they are in your life, they’re not here forever. Do your best to be present in the time that you have and be thankful that you had it. Some people are too busy covering up the fact that they have gaps to let anyone in.
It turns out that two of my heroes actually crossed paths. Teddy Roosevelt was presenting at an awards assembly where a young Dr. Seuss was supposed to receive an medal for selling war bonds. Unfortunately for the future author, he was last in line. For some reason there was one award missing. The very brusque former President asked “What’s this boy doing here?” A very embarrassed Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss’ real name) scurried off the stage and developed a fear of making public appearances. It was neither man’s best moment.
The thing about heroes is that we often want to see them a perfect, indestructible or superhuman. They are none of the above and are just as human as the rest of us. Foibles, failures and fractures happen to all human beings regardless of the esteem that they accumulate throughout their lives. Although they feel their own imperfection, the rest of the world tends to heap a status of extraordinary upon them. The part of that word to focus on is the “ordinary”. That’s all that they are with a bit of extra focus, extra care, extra work, extra creativity or extra effort. Otherwise they are just like the rest of us.
It’s so much easier isn’t it? Seeing our heroes as superhuman! That perspective lets us off the hook. If we see that we overlap with them in so many simple ways, perhaps the spectacular is right at our fingertips. Could it be that all we are missing is that little bit extra? Possibly! Maybe the fear isn’t that we’re not as good but that we’re capable of the same and we don’t want the expectation that comes with extraordinary. Whether you want to believe it or not, you overlap with heroes. Can you become your own?
In Spanish the idea of “dropping” an item is far less accusatory than it is in English. “Se me cayó” is the way that it can be phrased. The literal translation in English would be “It fell from me.” The blame goes to the item rather than the person. Normally “dropping” an item is an accident and therefore the Spanish version makes more sense. However in this instance, I am going to actually ask that you be deliberate. The drops that I’m going to suggest should be with purpose rather than accidental.
Drop your habits that you know are harming you – This is of course easier said than done. We become attached to our habits whether they serve us or not. Our brains like the idea of a predictable future and habits tend to deliver that. However if you don’t like something in your present, there is probably a habit that you could drop to change things for the better. Just be aware that as people drop something, they tend to pick it back up. Pick up something else!
Drop the people who are holding you back – If you thought that the first one was difficult, this one is even more so. Severing relationships is never easy. Even when we realize that people are counterproductive or even destructive in our lives, letting go is hard. So if you cannot do a full drop, put them at a distance or do your best to reduce their influence over your thoughts and feelings.
Drop some tears – Tears are a double drop because they fall down and they are little bits of water. Although there are times to put on a brave face, tears can be cathartic. They are a release, not just of liquid but of the emotions that often keep us rooted to the past. Drop the tears and possibly the memories that cause them. After the tears, learn to forgive. That doesn’t mean that what happened in now ok. It means that it has happened and you have no ability to change it. However you can moving forward give (forgive) yourself the gift of a life without the burden of the pain. Perhaps you need to forgive an enemy, a friend or even yourself. Regardless of who or what it is, the past was never meant to be an anchor. So drop it!
Drop some sweat! – Again this is a double drop and one that really matters. There’s so many reasons why the sweat might be coming from your brow but hopefully it’s due to some form of work. Lounging your forward is an unlikely remedy to anything. Most things are going to require work and probably a sweat inducing level of it. Your comfort and your conquest probably don’t live in the same zip code and THAT’S OK! It’s possible to enjoy things that create sweat. Labors of love exist and attaching your sweat to them is more than appropriate.
You don’t need to drop everything! But dropping these things intelligently can definitely help. Don’t let your life be an accident that you need to clean up later. Make it a journey that you pick up and drop off things along the way. Most people and things are not going to be with you for the long haul and that’s ok. Just give some thought to the load that you’re carrying.
The beauty of movies, history books and our memories is that they are an incomplete record of occurrences that portray themselves as complete. A narrative can be created that is streamlined and economical. It can overlook unimportant routines like brushing one’s teeth or less public friendly activities. Also it allows for missteps, mistakes and blunders to be overlooked in favor of the favorable outcomes. This does not just make for better stories. It makes for better futures because we tend to forget how nervous we were on that date that ended up going well. We also tend to give our own actions a bit more credit than they possibly deserve. A bit fortunate timing or circumstance may have played into the success that we claim for ourselves.
The problem is that the reverse is also true. Our failures tend to belong to us. We erase or edit the factors that we had little to no control over in favor of our faults. There is also a tendency to make stories have an end that comes in a reasonable timeline. Failing at diet or relationship can seem like a finished story but even movies have sequels. There is no reason why trying again is off the table. Usually it is not due to a lack of opportunity but rather a lack of desire to fail again.
Regardless of who you are, there is a backstory that has brought you here. Most of it doesn’t matter. You’ve already edited most of it out. So as you move forward be ready, willing and able to recognize those moments that will end up cut from the final story. You don’t need to be perfect. None of us is! You are doing the exact same thing as everyone else. Trying to progress through your story. At this very second, you are existing due to mixture of intent, luck, fortune, misfortune, laziness, etc. Do your utmost to step forward into this day and make it memorable in the best possible way. While also keeping in mind that if does not live up to that billing, it will probably be forgotten. Often we do not have any clue what days are going to be memorable or not, so do the best that you can with the ones that you’re given.
Music has always been a big part of my life. Different songs have become the soundtrack to years or even decades. Some hang on even longer than that and speak almost directly to something inside. One of those songs was written by Andrew Wood. An artist that died before I even heard any of his music but his impact on me and the musical landscape lingers on. He was the lead singer of a band called Mother Love Bone which almost directly preceded Pearl Jam. In addition to that, he was the roommate of Chris Cornell who reportedly the song “Man of Golden Words” is about.
It’s a relatively simple song with mainly piano and guitar played behind lyrics that are repetitive but poignant. Admittedly, Wood and I could not be more different. The reason that you’ve most likely never heard of him or Mother Love Bone is that he died of an overdose before his band could ride the wave of the Seattle music scene in the 1990s. Probably his greatest link to fame is his former bandmates who formed Pearl Jam and a tribute “band” called Temple of the Dog which is a lyric from this song. Despite his untimely demise, his impact was undeniable on the scene of the time and on individuals like myself thirty plus years later.
Each of us has within us both the propensity to give gifts that are more meaningful than they should be and also receive the same. The man of golden words doesn’t truly live because his words are not golden to everyone. Someone will read this and take the impetus to listen to the song and not hear what I hear. AND THAT’S OK! It’s not the catalyst for them but for me it has been and continues to be a form of rocket fuel for my soul. I put things out into the world regularly with my students, through this blog and other places simply in the hope that one person might have that golden words moment. We all need them! The world is often unforgiving and at the moment, it seems to take more energy than it gives. These gifts that we can put out into the world for others to find are so extremely important. It doesn’t need to be a song or a piece of art or anything more than sharing a moment with someone that lifts them up. The idea of being stingy with what you have is common place because you might not get back what you put out. I can never give back to Andrew Wood what he has given to me but I can pay it forward.
There are other souls in this world who are in need of golden words because they are hurting or just disillusioned. Our species is not defined simply by our flesh and blood. If it were, we’d have gone extinct long ago because we are mediocre animals. The thing that separates us is the ability to put meaning to things far beyond what is true. We elevate our thoughts and ourselves to heights that we should not be able to reach. However we do it regularly when we are inspired. Each of us has the ability to give and receive these types of gifts. Look for them and don’t be afraid to give them, even when you’ll never know the recipient.
In several martial arts practices, the white belt is given to the novice. The person who is just beginning their journey gets the symbol with no color to it. Mostly this is not an issue because the beginner is often a child who does not get overly concerned with status. A lack of knowledge or prestige is not a problem. It is a matter of fact. However adults tend to not want to be white belts. Not just in martial arts but in anything. They avoid the new and difficult in favor of the known and simple. It is an exercise in ego protection rather than a strategy for growth and fulfillment.
So many of the forces in our lives are counterproductive to our progress as people. Although things like friends, family, education, culture, etc. should be forces on the side of our self-actualization; they tend to come with the baggage of expectation and comparison. This tends to thwart our efforts in invisible ways. Our desire to “stay the same”, “not look foolish”, or “get good grades” tend to override our natural inclination toward discovery. Ask any kindergartener about their ability to be president, make a movie, be an astronaut, and their confidence will astound. Adults tend to only be confident when criticizing the performance of others. When faced with their own shortcomings, the subject is quickly swept under the rug.
It’s never been a better time to be a white belt! Why? Because today is all that you get. If you’re not willing to try something new today, tomorrow you’ll be even less likely to go for it. We are creatures of habit and just like anything else avoiding the new and difficult is a routine. It must be broken in order to claim the prizes on the other side of being a beginner. It is hard. It is humbling but it is necessary! So put on your white belt and try something new. At bare minimum, you’ll learn that you’re not perfect and that’s something we all need to remember from time to time.
It’s one of those moments that I can go back to in an instant. Sitting in an airplane with my best friend next to me. We had just spent a month at the World Cup. Five games and a variety of different adventures gave us memories for a lifetime but we were exhausted. We were close but maybe too close for a bit too long. The return to the States was a dissent from an exciting dream world to an uncertain reality. I was literally and figuratively up in the air. Living arrangements, relationship, school, work, etc. None were on solid ground. With my portable CD player resting on my leg, I kept playing the songs from the Third Eye Blind album. Feeling completely out of control and the question, “How’s it going to be?” blasting into my ears. The events that followed are much less interesting than the moment in time.
We’ve all been there on one level or another. Life tends to throw just enough at us in key moments to check if we are paying attention or possibly in need of a shake up. Most of the time, we spend our lives in a quasi equilibrium of our own creation. Our days tend to look similar. We tend to be similar. But everything is changing, even if it is at an imperceptible rate. It is only during these big upheavals that we become concerned with “How’s it going to be?”
The simple answer to the question is that it will be fine. No matter the circumstance, people have an amazing ability to regain their balance. A more important question is “How can you make it be?” In a period of unrest, when all of the pieces of your life are scattered in some way, is it best to put it back together how it was? Or is that disarray the perfect time to reconfigure, reconstruct and strengthen? No one wishes for hard times but they are exactly what makes us who we are. Whether you’re in one of those uncertain times or not, it’s time to make things better! You’re not going to know “How it’s going to be?” until you get there. So for now, you need to focus on making it all that it can be.
It’s 9:09pm! That’s similar to something that my teenage self wrote in every yearbook that I signed. The first page of our annual had the title to the popular Van Halen song at the top. As a wise-cracking teenager, I took the opportunity to point out only the time that I signed, not realizing that the moment for me to make a true mark was possibly passing me by. It’s part of being a teenager in so many ways. The desire for the next step while discounting the one that you are on in the moment. Most likely it is inherent to that time in life because a lack of experience and loss lends itself toward being frivolous without regret.
Right now! is a different time. The years have built up so much in the rearview mirror that I’ve been forced to know that 5 years in the future is tomorrow. So grasping onto the moment is a skill that needs to be developed. A white knuckle grip on the things that really matter becomes the order of the day. Like catching river water with your bare hands, it’s futile to expect that you’re going to be able to hang onto anything but enjoying the feeling as it flows past is probably the point. I’m definitely not very skilled at it. Often I lose myself in the trivial but also try to make the mundane magical. None of this is a superpower or cause for special attention. It is merely the state of being an older human who has made the realization.
The realization is that RIGHT NOW is all that you get. There is nothing else. Your past is an accumulation of old right nows that you’ve distorted. While the future is an infinite field of possible right nows that won’t turn into anything until the moment that you get there. So do what you can with it because you’re not going to get another one just like this. Even if your days seem like they are repeat, that’s your opportunity to pull yourself back into the moment. It’s all you get.
Don’t want to wait ’til tomorrow Why put it off another day? One more walk through problems Built-up and stands in our way, ahOne step ahead, one step behind me Now you gotta run to get even Make future plans or dream about yesterday, hey C’mon turn, turn this thing around, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now), C’mon, it’s everything (Right now), Catch a magic moment, do it Right here and now It means everythingMiss the beat, you lose the rhythm And nothing falls into place, no Only missed by a fraction Slipped a little off your pace, ohThe more things you get, the more you want Just trade in one for the other Workin’ so hard, to make it easier, whoa Got to turn, c’mon turn this thing around, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now) C’mon, it’s everything (Right now) Catch that magic moment, do it Right here and now It means everything It’s enlightened me, right now What are you waitin’ for? Oh, yeah, right now, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now) C’mon, it’s everything (Right now) Catch that magic moment, and do it right, right now Oh, right now It’s what’s happening Right here and now Right now It’s right now Oh Tell me, what are you waiting for? Turn this thing around
There was a time when language did not exist as it does today. Communication was a series of grunts, groans and gestures (I work with teenagers, so this still exists). Over time, those simplistic sounds became consistent enough that meaning could be attributed to a particular sound or set of sounds. That developed into words, then phrases and you get the idea. We were once dealing on a very simple level and now we are much more complex. A caveman would not understand our language but might eventually get there after much frustration. As a language teacher, I see this frustration regularly. People tend to want to jump from knowing nothing to being fluent in an instant. That’s not the way it works. We need to go through the grunts and groans.
As each of us looks to begin a new endeavor, the grunts and the groans are almost a right of passage. That time where you know absolutely nothing, everything is hard and you have the added frustration of not knowing if you’ll ever get there. This is part of the deal but that doesn’t make it any easier. The question that you need to ask yourself is whether or not the fluency will be worth it. If you project out to the future and you achieve your goal, how would you feel about the grunts and the groans period? Would you still feel ashamed or would there be a sense of pride about what you accomplished? My guess is that there would be all kinds of positives gathered from the experience. Self-esteem from persevering, learning about the process, pride in accomplishment and so many more. Those grunts and groans were not meaningless! They were necessary and valuable. We can wish that they weren’t necessary at the beginning and sometimes forget them after the fact. However, much of our lives are grunts and groans. Trying to make something out of nothing when we don’t fully understand.
So if you’re in a time of grunts and groans, try not to get frustrated by them. You need them! Everyone who has ever done what you’re doing had to go through them. It may take longer or shorter for you but that’s not for you to decide. Keep on going! You’ll find your way eventually if you want it badly enough.
It is so funny to me at times that life exists in such duality. Humans are odd creatures who desire two things at once and finding a balance within them is difficult. We want things like certainty about our lives but as soon as we know what is going to happen regularly, we get bored! Uncertainty is another desire that we value. In our relationships, we want connection and togetherness but if you’ve ever spent too much time with someone, you know that space is also necessary. So it is unfortunate that I must state very plainly that GRATITUDE for what you have is an absolute superpower. However desire is also necessary to move someone forward which creates a bit of friction with the idea of being grateful. This friction is most likely not a problem because friction makes the world more functional rather than slippery.
Keeping this duality in mind, I’m going to use the same acronym to help people who are stuck in the hamster wheel looking for “success” while also speaking to those are content but know there’s more out there. The silly acronym is D-TECT.
D – is for DECIDE. Decide to be thankful for all that you have. This is not particularly easy but it is a necessary step. Even the “problems” in your life are probably worth being thankful for at some point. Either your problems are a better version of challenge than other people’s. OR this obstacle that you deride is actually making you a better version of yourself.
D – is also for DIRECTION. If you don’t have all that you seek in this world, its is very possible that you have not defined a direction with laser-like accuracy. You have preferences but haven’t really settled on that thing that you really want. Hitting a target is impossible if you don’t know what it is. Being surprised by your desire is possible but its impact will be less because you didn’t actually do anything to pursue it.
T – TAKE STOCK! It can be extremely easy to lose sight of all that you have. Our minds instinctively tend to ignore the familiar or at least value it slightly less. Unless there is some consistent reminder to bring all of our blessings into focus, they can get overlooked.
T – TIME is a necessary ingredient to any endeavor. In our next day shipping culture, it can be easy to forget that things of value often take time. It’s so obvious yet often forgotten. People want results yesterday and it can be frustrating to wait for things that we desire. However that price of time is one of the prerequisites for achievement that will feel like it has value.
E – ENJOY the simple things. Beauty, meaning, joy, etc. can be found in the most common of places. However if we do not take the time to enjoy the moments that exist in our everyday, it makes us addicted to the grandiose. Therefore our life is a series ratchets where we become less satisfied with what we are getting.
E – EFFORT is a requirement for any goal or objective but it also works as an eventual indicator of value. People tend to esteem something greater if it was difficult to attain. That’s why actions like cheating actually erode a person’s self-esteem over time because even though they attained the desired outcome, it came without the necessary effort.
C – COMPARE? This is a bit dangerous for creating gratitude. I’ve heard it said before that “comparison is the thief of joy” and I fully understand the sentiment. Therefore it is important that comparison be used to uplift rather than drag down. No matter who you are, there is always someone who has got it better and someone who has it worse. Seeing yourself on a spectrum can help to underly the fact that you have a lot to be thankful for.
C – CONSISTENCY is a crucial part of any endeavor of meaning. Anyone can do the necessary thing once. It is the person who is able to consistently show up in the world with intention that is able to breakthrough. A rocket heading toward outer space requires the consistent propulsion of its engines until it breaks free of gravity’s pull. The same is true to people looking to have some form of success.
T – TRANSFORM everything in your life into something to be grateful for. This is not an easy exercise. It is difficult to look at things that you did not want with gratitude. However, most people have had the experience of seeing tragedy turn into triumph over time. The recognition that trying past events are often the ingredients to our own greatness is transformative.
T – TRACKING is a key component to the acquisition of any goal or objective. Action is a spectacular step but it is possible that your actions are moving you away from your goals. Assessing your progress or lack of it is extremely important.
I’m sure that my setup for this blog was frustrating for someone. The reason that I put each item next to its counterpart is that is how we live. At times, the need for gratitude is going to be directly juxtaposed to our ambition. Most of us do not live at the extreme of either disposition. Every day we are trying to move forward in our lives and feel fulfilled at the same time. Both are skills worth developing and honing.
Huryk Unlimited 