In several martial arts practices, the white belt is given to the novice. The person who is just beginning their journey gets the symbol with no color to it. Mostly this is not an issue because the beginner is often a child who does not get overly concerned with status. A lack of knowledge or prestige is not a problem. It is a matter of fact. However adults tend to not want to be white belts. Not just in martial arts but in anything. They avoid the new and difficult in favor of the known and simple. It is an exercise in ego protection rather than a strategy for growth and fulfillment.
So many of the forces in our lives are counterproductive to our progress as people. Although things like friends, family, education, culture, etc. should be forces on the side of our self-actualization; they tend to come with the baggage of expectation and comparison. This tends to thwart our efforts in invisible ways. Our desire to “stay the same”, “not look foolish”, or “get good grades” tend to override our natural inclination toward discovery. Ask any kindergartener about their ability to be president, make a movie, be an astronaut, and their confidence will astound. Adults tend to only be confident when criticizing the performance of others. When faced with their own shortcomings, the subject is quickly swept under the rug.
It’s never been a better time to be a white belt! Why? Because today is all that you get. If you’re not willing to try something new today, tomorrow you’ll be even less likely to go for it. We are creatures of habit and just like anything else avoiding the new and difficult is a routine. It must be broken in order to claim the prizes on the other side of being a beginner. It is hard. It is humbling but it is necessary! So put on your white belt and try something new. At bare minimum, you’ll learn that you’re not perfect and that’s something we all need to remember from time to time.
It’s one of those moments that I can go back to in an instant. Sitting in an airplane with my best friend next to me. We had just spent a month at the World Cup. Five games and a variety of different adventures gave us memories for a lifetime but we were exhausted. We were close but maybe too close for a bit too long. The return to the States was a dissent from an exciting dream world to an uncertain reality. I was literally and figuratively up in the air. Living arrangements, relationship, school, work, etc. None were on solid ground. With my portable CD player resting on my leg, I kept playing the songs from the Third Eye Blind album. Feeling completely out of control and the question, “How’s it going to be?” blasting into my ears. The events that followed are much less interesting than the moment in time.
We’ve all been there on one level or another. Life tends to throw just enough at us in key moments to check if we are paying attention or possibly in need of a shake up. Most of the time, we spend our lives in a quasi equilibrium of our own creation. Our days tend to look similar. We tend to be similar. But everything is changing, even if it is at an imperceptible rate. It is only during these big upheavals that we become concerned with “How’s it going to be?”
The simple answer to the question is that it will be fine. No matter the circumstance, people have an amazing ability to regain their balance. A more important question is “How can you make it be?” In a period of unrest, when all of the pieces of your life are scattered in some way, is it best to put it back together how it was? Or is that disarray the perfect time to reconfigure, reconstruct and strengthen? No one wishes for hard times but they are exactly what makes us who we are. Whether you’re in one of those uncertain times or not, it’s time to make things better! You’re not going to know “How it’s going to be?” until you get there. So for now, you need to focus on making it all that it can be.
It’s 9:09pm! That’s similar to something that my teenage self wrote in every yearbook that I signed. The first page of our annual had the title to the popular Van Halen song at the top. As a wise-cracking teenager, I took the opportunity to point out only the time that I signed, not realizing that the moment for me to make a true mark was possibly passing me by. It’s part of being a teenager in so many ways. The desire for the next step while discounting the one that you are on in the moment. Most likely it is inherent to that time in life because a lack of experience and loss lends itself toward being frivolous without regret.
Right now! is a different time. The years have built up so much in the rearview mirror that I’ve been forced to know that 5 years in the future is tomorrow. So grasping onto the moment is a skill that needs to be developed. A white knuckle grip on the things that really matter becomes the order of the day. Like catching river water with your bare hands, it’s futile to expect that you’re going to be able to hang onto anything but enjoying the feeling as it flows past is probably the point. I’m definitely not very skilled at it. Often I lose myself in the trivial but also try to make the mundane magical. None of this is a superpower or cause for special attention. It is merely the state of being an older human who has made the realization.
The realization is that RIGHT NOW is all that you get. There is nothing else. Your past is an accumulation of old right nows that you’ve distorted. While the future is an infinite field of possible right nows that won’t turn into anything until the moment that you get there. So do what you can with it because you’re not going to get another one just like this. Even if your days seem like they are repeat, that’s your opportunity to pull yourself back into the moment. It’s all you get.
Don’t want to wait ’til tomorrow Why put it off another day? One more walk through problems Built-up and stands in our way, ahOne step ahead, one step behind me Now you gotta run to get even Make future plans or dream about yesterday, hey C’mon turn, turn this thing around, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now), C’mon, it’s everything (Right now), Catch a magic moment, do it Right here and now It means everythingMiss the beat, you lose the rhythm And nothing falls into place, no Only missed by a fraction Slipped a little off your pace, ohThe more things you get, the more you want Just trade in one for the other Workin’ so hard, to make it easier, whoa Got to turn, c’mon turn this thing around, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now) C’mon, it’s everything (Right now) Catch that magic moment, do it Right here and now It means everything It’s enlightened me, right now What are you waitin’ for? Oh, yeah, right now, hey It’s your tomorrow (Right now) C’mon, it’s everything (Right now) Catch that magic moment, and do it right, right now Oh, right now It’s what’s happening Right here and now Right now It’s right now Oh Tell me, what are you waiting for? Turn this thing around
There was a time when language did not exist as it does today. Communication was a series of grunts, groans and gestures (I work with teenagers, so this still exists). Over time, those simplistic sounds became consistent enough that meaning could be attributed to a particular sound or set of sounds. That developed into words, then phrases and you get the idea. We were once dealing on a very simple level and now we are much more complex. A caveman would not understand our language but might eventually get there after much frustration. As a language teacher, I see this frustration regularly. People tend to want to jump from knowing nothing to being fluent in an instant. That’s not the way it works. We need to go through the grunts and groans.
As each of us looks to begin a new endeavor, the grunts and the groans are almost a right of passage. That time where you know absolutely nothing, everything is hard and you have the added frustration of not knowing if you’ll ever get there. This is part of the deal but that doesn’t make it any easier. The question that you need to ask yourself is whether or not the fluency will be worth it. If you project out to the future and you achieve your goal, how would you feel about the grunts and the groans period? Would you still feel ashamed or would there be a sense of pride about what you accomplished? My guess is that there would be all kinds of positives gathered from the experience. Self-esteem from persevering, learning about the process, pride in accomplishment and so many more. Those grunts and groans were not meaningless! They were necessary and valuable. We can wish that they weren’t necessary at the beginning and sometimes forget them after the fact. However, much of our lives are grunts and groans. Trying to make something out of nothing when we don’t fully understand.
So if you’re in a time of grunts and groans, try not to get frustrated by them. You need them! Everyone who has ever done what you’re doing had to go through them. It may take longer or shorter for you but that’s not for you to decide. Keep on going! You’ll find your way eventually if you want it badly enough.
It is so funny to me at times that life exists in such duality. Humans are odd creatures who desire two things at once and finding a balance within them is difficult. We want things like certainty about our lives but as soon as we know what is going to happen regularly, we get bored! Uncertainty is another desire that we value. In our relationships, we want connection and togetherness but if you’ve ever spent too much time with someone, you know that space is also necessary. So it is unfortunate that I must state very plainly that GRATITUDE for what you have is an absolute superpower. However desire is also necessary to move someone forward which creates a bit of friction with the idea of being grateful. This friction is most likely not a problem because friction makes the world more functional rather than slippery.
Keeping this duality in mind, I’m going to use the same acronym to help people who are stuck in the hamster wheel looking for “success” while also speaking to those are content but know there’s more out there. The silly acronym is D-TECT.
D – is for DECIDE. Decide to be thankful for all that you have. This is not particularly easy but it is a necessary step. Even the “problems” in your life are probably worth being thankful for at some point. Either your problems are a better version of challenge than other people’s. OR this obstacle that you deride is actually making you a better version of yourself.
D – is also for DIRECTION. If you don’t have all that you seek in this world, its is very possible that you have not defined a direction with laser-like accuracy. You have preferences but haven’t really settled on that thing that you really want. Hitting a target is impossible if you don’t know what it is. Being surprised by your desire is possible but its impact will be less because you didn’t actually do anything to pursue it.
T – TAKE STOCK! It can be extremely easy to lose sight of all that you have. Our minds instinctively tend to ignore the familiar or at least value it slightly less. Unless there is some consistent reminder to bring all of our blessings into focus, they can get overlooked.
T – TIME is a necessary ingredient to any endeavor. In our next day shipping culture, it can be easy to forget that things of value often take time. It’s so obvious yet often forgotten. People want results yesterday and it can be frustrating to wait for things that we desire. However that price of time is one of the prerequisites for achievement that will feel like it has value.
E – ENJOY the simple things. Beauty, meaning, joy, etc. can be found in the most common of places. However if we do not take the time to enjoy the moments that exist in our everyday, it makes us addicted to the grandiose. Therefore our life is a series ratchets where we become less satisfied with what we are getting.
E – EFFORT is a requirement for any goal or objective but it also works as an eventual indicator of value. People tend to esteem something greater if it was difficult to attain. That’s why actions like cheating actually erode a person’s self-esteem over time because even though they attained the desired outcome, it came without the necessary effort.
C – COMPARE? This is a bit dangerous for creating gratitude. I’ve heard it said before that “comparison is the thief of joy” and I fully understand the sentiment. Therefore it is important that comparison be used to uplift rather than drag down. No matter who you are, there is always someone who has got it better and someone who has it worse. Seeing yourself on a spectrum can help to underly the fact that you have a lot to be thankful for.
C – CONSISTENCY is a crucial part of any endeavor of meaning. Anyone can do the necessary thing once. It is the person who is able to consistently show up in the world with intention that is able to breakthrough. A rocket heading toward outer space requires the consistent propulsion of its engines until it breaks free of gravity’s pull. The same is true to people looking to have some form of success.
T – TRANSFORM everything in your life into something to be grateful for. This is not an easy exercise. It is difficult to look at things that you did not want with gratitude. However, most people have had the experience of seeing tragedy turn into triumph over time. The recognition that trying past events are often the ingredients to our own greatness is transformative.
T – TRACKING is a key component to the acquisition of any goal or objective. Action is a spectacular step but it is possible that your actions are moving you away from your goals. Assessing your progress or lack of it is extremely important.
I’m sure that my setup for this blog was frustrating for someone. The reason that I put each item next to its counterpart is that is how we live. At times, the need for gratitude is going to be directly juxtaposed to our ambition. Most of us do not live at the extreme of either disposition. Every day we are trying to move forward in our lives and feel fulfilled at the same time. Both are skills worth developing and honing.
Time passes without us. We are incidental passengers riding through time. The future is coming regardless of our disposition toward it. The future just showed up… and there it goes again! Despite the fact that the future arrives without our help, what future will show up for us is very much dependent on us. A future that looks worse than the present need minimal effort, probably even a little carelessness. If you want tomorrow to look like today, keep doing what you’ve been doing. A better future is a BATTLE!
[Colonel Roosevelt and his Rough Riders at the top of the hill which they captured, Battle of San Juan] / by William Dinwiddie.
LOC
When I use the word battle, I don’t mean literal war or something ugly and distasteful. I just mean that it will take more effort than we may want to give but it’s about survival. If you want the better future that is off in the beautiful horizon, it needs to be taken. The horizon doesn’t come to you, you must go to it! People hope that the future is going to be improved just through happenstance. That the planets will just align without any real effort or focus applied. Unfortunately that future that you desire is not a willing hostage. It is going to fight against capture then it will try to escape. Anything worth having is going to take this type of effort. Be prepared for it and enjoy it in the moment. Despite the horror that is war; intense bonds, lifelong friendships, feelings of accomplishment, etc. have all come from those times of intense fighting. In the metaphorical battle for your best future, even better outcomes are available.
So now it is your turn to “fight”! Perhaps it is not physical but more mental and emotional. Regardless, the future that you want is not going to lay down at your feet and surrender. It is going to demand that you pursue it until you eventually win the day. And if you haven’t realized it yet, sorry to tell you that the battle never ends because another future is right around the corner! It’s never over! “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” Heck no! The battle for your better future never ends but it is possible for you to move the front forward today.
Over the years, I’ve claimed that I’m not “obsessed” with Peterborough United. Like so many _____aholics, I’m in at least partial denial about my addiction. Since our form has been poor for much of the season and goals have been lacking, I find myself desiring a bit of help from the football gods. When one of our players streaks forward, I find myself shouting “get in the box” to people on a computer screen who can’t hear me from across the ocean. Perhaps someone out there can relate. It’s not that I want my team to dive in order to get the penalty. I just know that the opportunity is there for an “easy road” to a goal. Torn by the desire for a score but not wanting the dive either.
The easy road mentality is one that we all adopt in different amounts. Lottery ticket buyers, crash diet enthusiasts and overnight success seekers are just the extreme versions of a person that we’ve all been in small or large quantities. We’ve all wanted the big reward for the least amount of effort before. There is nothing particularly wrong with it. It’s a natural inclination but it just cannot become an overarching strategy. The person or team that is relying on something for almost nothing will find that cash cow dead sooner rather than later.
Since I know that this type of thinking is not a long term strategy, my belief is that my team will start finding the net from open play regularly. When those lucky breaks come, I won’t lament them but I know that we cannot rely on them. The plan needs to be more than hope in this world. Hope is not a strategy! Even as a feeling, it seems a little flimsy to me. Hope feels almost desperate and passive. Belief is much more positive and proactive. Despite the positive connotations though, belief is not enough.
Once you believe, you need to act. Take the feedback that the world gives you and adjust. There is not one way to break down an opposing team or get to a personal goal. Literally thousands or even millions are possible but you need to find one. Once you find success, you can build upon it. Here in lies the problem of relying on the penalty. It requires other people’s input that is less than reliable. So believe in yourself enough to create your own results. The “easy road” is there but it doesn’t make you better. It makes you dependent.
Almost everyone is interested in winning championships. It’s a special feeling to realize that type of dream. I’ve done it several times in my playing and coaching careers. The most important thing about winning championships is that you cannot focus on getting the trophy. The trophy is merely a symbol and what it represents is far more important than the metal, wood and plastic. The symbol represents the willingness to prepare on a higher level than most and the fortitude to put a performance on the field at the key moments. In all of the championships that I’ve won, I’ve never been conflicted about winning even though I know that in most cases we were not the “best team”. We were just the best team on that particular day. That is nothing to be concerned by. Managing the moment is just as important as high level preparation but let’s begin with preparation.
To prepare for a championship run, an individual or team needs to put themselves through more than they think they will encounter. A projection must be made about what a championship performance would look like. Then preparation must be done to endure that and more. Working backward from the projected championship, the road should be broken into sections. Perhaps months or weeks, those chunks of time should have a goal or marker. Each one of those periods then needs to be broken down to the daily. Then broken down again into the hourly. Then broken down again to the moment. When you get your preparation down to the moment level, you’ll need to develop your ethos or principles. You most likely won’t want to script your actions down to the moment but as you look at all that is in front of you, what are the beliefs and mindset that will aid you and propel you toward your championship run. Before you can become a champion, you need to think like a champion. Not about the person who has won the trophy but rather the person capable of winning on every single occasion. Developing a belief system that will spur you on at the difficult times. That will keep you grounded when success comes your way. These “commandments” do not come down from a higher power but come from you and what you value most. Just recognize that these beliefs need to be in line with the level of your ambition. Leading with belief is key to any grand success. Chasing an unknown future requires a belief so strong that it will not be broken by the mundane or the difficult. Every day something will be required in your pursuit that you will not want to do. Doing those things in spite of your feelings is a key indicator to whether or not you’ll make it. Oh yeah! That’s the gamble! You need to be willing to do all of this work with the knowledge that you might fail. It’s possible that you’ll put in all of the work, prepare to your utmost and still come up short. Can you live with that? I often jokingly say to groups “When the going gets tough, give up!” For some people, actually quite possibly most people, this is the perfect advice for what they want. They don’t want things to be hard. So giving up is the perfect answer to their problem. Don’t do the hard things, only do enough to meet the most minimum requirements. Talk is cheap and doesn’t get you very far (ironic coming from someone who make a living giving speeches). The statement is true however. Words can be powerful but they will always come up short in propelling you forward without some form of action. So take those beliefs and hone them, develop them. “I quit when the reps are done, not when they hurt.” These little types of statements will calcify your belief system if they are repeated over and over then followed up with action. A statement like the one above means nothing coming from someone perched on a couch watching Netflix. It means something from the person drenched in sweat and gasping for air.
Your championship level is also something that you should consider. Perhaps your championship is not a championship at all at the moment. Perhaps it’s winning one game or scoring a goal. The idea is not the trophy or the position in a ranking but more about who you become as a person or group. The moment will fade. The memory may not even be permanent but the person that you become from the experience will move forward into the world better prepared to take future steps.
There are some jerseys that are absolute international symbols. Some jerseys are so well known that a color combination can spark the association. People do not need to search for the things that they value most, they jump right out of the crowd. Therefore it is in your best interest to put on your uniform. Not that you wear the shirt of your team everywhere but rather that you put your truest self out on display. There are two people living inside of you. The person that you are and the person that you want to be. Although I’m a huge fan “fake it ‘til you make it”, let’s start with getting comfortable in your own skin. This does not happen in a day. If you’re there already, AWESOME! Rejoice in that fact because it’s not true for everyone.
If you’re not there yet, then there is one place to start: the first person. There is only one person that will be with you for your entire life, every second that you’re alive, no matter what you can never get rid of them. That person is you. You can complain about your disadvantages or idolize someone else but no matter what you can only be you. Since you only have this one person to spend your life with, it makes sense to have them be a friend. You need to treat yourself well. This goes back to all of the things that have been covered so far. Your chances of feeling good about yourself are exponentially better if you’ve taken control of your internal dialogue and the things that you focus on. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! This section was titled, Put on the Jersey. Jerseys are an outward expression of who you are. You’re absolutely right! But the things that we project on the outside are often a representation of what we’re feeling on the inside. So we need to start there.
Some practical advice on making yourself more of a friend. Think of the things that you would do to let a friend know that you like them. • You’d spend time with them (meditation) • You’d make them a priority (journaling) • If they’re going through a tough time, you’d console and try to help them (journaling) • You’d let the little things go (post-it notes of forgiveness) • You’d try to work through the big things (letters of forgiveness)
This sounds kind of weird when you consider doing these things for yourself. So it takes a bit of deliberate practice. My suggestions on activities usually involve writing because it is tangible and requires a bit of focus. Thinking is great but lends itself toward the mind wandering. So putting things down on paper forces you to organize your thoughts a bit more. As daily as possible, write down gratitude statements. Write as many things that you can think of that you’re thankful for. This exercise gets you to focus on what you have. It’s much like brushing your teeth. Doing it once does almost nothing. When you make it a practice, then it becomes extremely powerful. This type of journaling mixed with a daily discussion of your thoughts will take you a long way down the road of befriending yourself which is the entire point.
Once you’ve gotten more comfortable with the inside world, you’ll be in a better position to project the traits that you want into the outside world. Who do you choose to be? What is the story that you tell yourself about yourself? Personally I refer to myself as the “Sword of Gryffindor”. I show up when the people who matter need help and I am improved by the things that have the potential to damage me. This is the story that I’ve created for myself and the one that I do my best to project out into the world.
It’s completely ok if you have a dead tree in your living room right now. Lots of people do! The tradition is extremely old and has to do with bringing the life force of nature into a dwelling during the winter months. Like most of the Christian traditions, it was a mixture of the old with the “new” when Christianity was trying to convert people. More than likely, that is not why you put a tree into your house. Your tradition is a direct line to your parents, your childhood and/or a recognized social norm. All are completely fine and understanding the origins of the practice does not need to change how you feel about it. As you open presents today, drink eggnog or eat chicken gizzards (a real thing for some people), please recognize that these are patterns of behavior that you have chosen to perpetuate. Our behavior around the holidays is often dependent upon our upbringing or social circle.
The same is true for most of our behaviors. Our habits, routines, beliefs and identities are largely based upon those two forces as well. They feel normal and changing them comes with an emotional price tag even if they don’t really make sense. Calling it a “dead tree” felt different than if I had called it a “Christmas tree.” There is no emotional attachment to a “dead tree.” People could live without having a dead tree in their house but not having a Christmas tree just wouldn’t feel right. We’re looking for that feeling the tree gives, not the reasons that we started getting them. If the feeling stopped, most likely the tradition would stop. OR are we such creatures of habit that we would persist like Clark W. Griswold to have a crappy Christmas because that’s just what happens?
I’d like to believe the former but happy to help with the latter. If you don’t know why you have that dead tree in your living room and you hate the lights, the ornaments and the star, then make a change. Everything is up for consideration. The things that are necessary or bring you joy, then by all means keep them. However it is foolish to have a dead tree that you don’t love in your house.
Look at your habits, routines, beliefs and identities, if they no longer serve you, then it might be time for a change. Yes! You can change even the most engrained traditions. The Christmas tree is an extremely old tradition but you could drop it next year if you chose. Nothing in your life has that much staying power. However there might be a vacuum in the space that you need to fill with something. Not particularly a direct a replacement but something that you can give meaning. It must have value to you and help progress you forward. The Christians adopted the tradition of the tree in order to help spread their cause. What is your cause? How can you move it forward? What traditions can you adopt as soon as possible to move toward the life that you want? Begin today to look for the opportunity to move into the next season of your life free of the weight of the old and useless. Keep what works by all means! Then look to replace that which does not work with the more useful.
Forty years ago Mariah Carey was not a part of Christmas. Things change and so can you!
Huryk Unlimited 