At no point in my twenties did I think that I would be dating again in my forties. Despite the optimism of my former self, I found myself single and living in the world of online dating. My best intentions of finding someone with whom to spend the rest of my life were met with a variety of obstacles: some internal and others external. While I often put my personal past experiences into the blog, that’s not my focus at the moment. The main reason for the post is my perspective on a confused landscape of man/woman courting (yep! old school term but I’m going with it for now).
Searching for Éowyn – I’ve had this concept in mind for a while. If you’re not a “Lord of the Rings” fan, she is a strong female character who plays a crucial role in the defeat of the evil forces in the book/movies. Obviously, she is just a character but she personifies a good amount of what I (and possibly many men) look for. A partner that will have my back as much as I have hers. She is not a damsel in distress who is waiting to be saved but rather an equal partner who is capable in her own right, with her own strengths. My hope is that together, we do what the 20th Century philosopher, Rocky Balboa, said of relationships “fill gaps.” “I’ve got gaps, she’s got gaps. Together we fill gaps.” – Rocky. Basically it is two people who bring things to the table and feel that the combination makes life better for both.
The Confusion – I’m not sure how the process of finding people got so convoluted. Perhaps, it’s the dating apps, or social media, or old rules, or new rules, or players, or haters, or cheaters, or all of the above and a lot more. Regardless, there are lots of people out there getting upset, disappointed, angry and down right frustrated with the situation. I’m always looking to help. At the moment, I’m in the most healthy relationship I’ve ever had and loving it! So maybe this public mental exercise will be useful to someone. If not, it might bring a laugh or two for people who are already squared away in the relationship department. Remember that I only have the man’s perspective. So there may be pieces missing from the equation.
Dating Apps – (Pros) They are a necessarily evil marketing tool that most people are using these days. They’re great and they suck! On the one hand they give you a view into many of the people looking in your area. It’s a wider net to choose from than the old school trope of the local bar scene. Putting some of your preferences out there up front should act as a screening mechanism. It also can be a good filter for initial attraction. Both the physical and mental interest levels can start online before a first meeting. A lack of interest on line does not feel as bad as real life rejection. The pure numbers makes everything less personal.
(Cons) The flip side of the coin is that numbers bring publicity and competition. Putting yourself out there can be scary, and what you get back can be scarier. The very tools that widen the pool of options also invite a host of complications. Profiles can be misleading, conversations can lack the nuance of real-life interaction, and the paradox of choice can leave you feeling more lost than ever. Sometimes it feels like shopping for a connection rather than building one. Add to this the ghosting, superficiality, and occasional toxicity, and it’s clear why so many feel disillusioned.
So, how do you navigate this maze without losing hope? For me, the key lies in staying grounded in your values and knowing what you’re looking for. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. Éowyn may be a fictional ideal, but the qualities she embodies—strength, partnership, and mutual respect—are very real aspirations. Recognize that the path to finding your person might be unpredictable and even messy. It requires patience, resilience, and an openness to the unexpected.
The journey isn’t just about finding the right partner; it’s also about becoming the kind of partner someone else is searching for. That’s the heart of the matter—filling gaps isn’t a one-sided process. It’s a dance of two people who bring their authentic selves to the table, flaws and all, and choose to build something meaningful together.
If you’re still searching, take heart. You’re not alone in the confusion. And if you’ve found your Éowyn, treasure her. After all, strong partnerships don’t just happen—they’re built, one gap-filling moment at a time.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Use your time well!
Pete
Huryk Unlimited 