I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from writing on the blog over the past week. There are plenty of reasons why but most of them are only half true. The most pertinent reasons are that I haven’t made a priority and I haven’t felt like I had something “big” to say. So tonight I’m taking care of both by committing to saying something little.
I am afraid. It is a posture that I have to deny in many ways as a father. I am supposed to act fearless at times for the sake of my children. That usually is not a problem because we are afraid of different things. My kids are afraid of the dark and an internet concoction called “Slender Man” which freaked my son out last night. Those aren’t the things that scare me.
I am afraid of what I am not. The things I’ll give up on or fall short on. I am afraid that for all of the words that I pound into this little keyboard that I will help no one. My fear is that I will give in to the worst versions of myself. I fear that the people that I love most will not see that I have tried to give them what they need instead of what they think they want. My fear is the same as everyone’s, that I’m not enough.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I’ll begin to dance with these fears again. Perhaps one day, like my fear of the dark, some of these fears will be gone. Until then, I will learn to dance with them so that they don’t step on my toes so often. They are of course the partners that I have chosen.